"Can it actually be fixed?" 9 ways to try and repair your relationship.

I always had to walk on a wobbly see-saw around my ex-husband. I could say something innocuous like, "What do you want to watch on TV?" and he’d snap at me, "I don’t care! Why do you always have to bother me?" I never knew when or what things were going to set him off, and I lived perpetually on edge.

But I’d be wrong if I didn’t mention the fact that I had toxic behaviours going on in that relationship too. In order for a relationship to continue, both people have to participate. If a relationship is toxic, it’s because both people are exhibiting toxic behaviours, and it doesn’t end until someone chooses to stop.

Couples' therapist Melody Li, LMFT says, "Toxic relationships happen when people are stuck in harmful relational patterns and cycles." Note her use of the word "people" instead of "person." We too often want to place sole blame on the other person because that leaves us innocent, but we rarely are if we continued in that relationship.

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If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, here are some steps you can do to start addressing it.

1. Identify whether your relationship is toxic.

Likely if you ended up on this article, you already know something’s not right about your relationship. If you have toxic behaviours, your relationship is toxic, so you can start by reading 5 Signs You Might Be the Toxic One in Your Relationship.

Further, a good indicator is, Li says, is "if there is a constant presence of ABCD — accusations, blame, criticisms, and demands."

When you find yourself doing one of these behaviours, notice that and talk to your partner about those and your other communication issues. Think of it as you and your partner vs. your communication problem, instead of you vs. your partner.

2. Understand whether the relationship can actually be fixed.

I stayed in my first marriage for much longer than I should have. I felt obligated because I’d made vows, I didn’t want to be branded with a D for "divorced," and I kept thinking one day it’d miraculously get better.

The biggest reason, though, is that I wasn’t willing to accept that my relationship couldn’t be fixed by my efforts alone. I was convinced that if I could change enough, it would change. I hung a lot of unrealised hopes on books, therapists, shared hobbies... always thinking this next one would finally change our broken ways of relating.

Toxic relationships can change, but if and only if both partners are committed to making that happen. In order for a drastic change to take place, both people need to practice open and honest communication and self-awareness, as well as probably seek professional help, both individually and together. If you or your partner isn’t willing to do all that, then the relationship can’t be changed and should be ended.

There’s also a chance that both you and your partner may start out committed, but lapse along the way. If both people don’t or can’t maintain the work to fix it, it should be ended as well.

Note: Any relationship involving physical violence or any abusive behavior requires immediate intervention and cannot be salvaged. Reach out to 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service – if you need help.

3. Be willing to walk away.

There’s no point in working to address something with your partner if there are going to be no consequences. Before you address this with your partner, make sure you’re prepared to walk away.

Have supportive people in place, possibly even a professional, and have a concrete plan: "If things don’t change within six months (or whatever timeline you deem appropriate), I will move out and find an apartment." I know this part is terrifying because I had to do it myself, but it can be the only way to make sure your partner makes some changes and/or you leave.

4. Seek out help.

A therapist can help you address many things, even if neither you or your partner has a mental illness. Specifically, they can help you, individually and together, practice positive communication skills and nurture a real loving relationship.

My ex-husband and I attended together and individually. While our relationship didn’t ultimately last, I had the support I needed to make the changes I eventually needed to.

5. Speak up.

I tiptoed around my ex-husband, trying to finagle and finesse things so our interactions would be primarily pleasant. I felt anxious about communicating things with him, and I knew I couldn’t ever expect a "discussion" over certain topics, so I just didn’t bring things up.

The problem is that my intense need to tiptoe around him meant I mostly pretended problems away. This will work itself out at some point, I’d tell myself. Yet, of course, they never did.

If you want to address the issues in your relationship, you have to start speaking up. Your partner may not even be aware that they are making you feel the way they do, so now is the time do that. Get help from a friend or professional if necessary to begin broaching these topics.

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6. Take up space.

My relationship with my ex was very one-sided, and that wasn’t entirely his fault. Because I was intent on making him happy, I started giving up my own likes and dislikes, and then my own opinions. What he liked, I liked, and so on. Over time, I became unrecognisable, even to myself.

A healthy relationship requires two whole people, but I had given up parts of myself until I was just a small shell of my former self. If this is you or possibly your partner, you need to start being. Express how you’re feeling, what you want and don’t want, what you like and don’t like. Learn to be whole again.

7. Learn to trust yourself.

One of the most toxic behaviours that can come up in a relationship is gaslighting, "a form of psychological manipulation in which a person... covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as low self-esteem."

Gaslighting can have the detrimental effect of making you distrust your own thoughts and feelings.

The key to counteracting gaslighting and its effects is practicing mindfulness. Covered in further detail here, here are some ways you can do that:

• Journaling
• Talking to a friend
• Exercising, which sometimes gives us the opportunity to be alone with our thoughts, rather than distracted by emails, text messages, TV, or chatty coworkers
• Attending a meditation or yoga class
• Engaging in therapy
• Consulting with a spiritual adviser

Your truth is not up for debate, but you’ll need to learn and own that first.

8. Get comfortable having uncomfortable conversations.

If you or your partner tend to outright avoid conflict, that could be what is holding your relationship back from being as healthy as it could be. You may not even know how to have an uncomfortable conversation because your family never talked about problems.

Healthy relationships are dependent on honesty. When you want to tell a white lie or pretend that something is an issue, you need to take that as an opportunity to try something new instead. You don’t want to keep continuing what hasn’t been working if you actually want to make a change.

9. Don’t move on from conflicts without having a plan for change.

My ex-husband and I rarely "resolved" fights. We were just glad when the tension had finally dissipated and we could go back to pretending that things were fine.

But your relationship will be doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes if you don’t actually resolve some of the issues that come up. It might even be that you need to fight differently and have "rules" in place ("no name-calling," for example).

While not every fight can be "fixed" in the moment, do take some time when you’re not both upset to address what was covered and what, if anything, needs to be changed. If things get heated again, schedule a time-out and a time to come back to it. Just do not let these issues keep coming up if they don’t have a solution tied to them yet.

Fixing a toxic relationship is going to take work, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible if both of you are willing and capable of changing. You deserve to be in a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Don’t settle for anything less.

This post was originally appeared on Medium and has been republished here with full permission.

Tara Blair Ball is a freelance writer and author of The Beginning of the End. Check out her website here or find her on Twitter: @taraincognito.

If this post brings up any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. It doesn’t matter where you live, they will take your call and, if need be, refer you to a service closer to home.

Feature Image: Getty. The feature image used is a stock image.