Dealing with divorce: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

By: Samantha for Divorced Moms

Let’s face it; life is not perfect. One day you could be standing at the altar with your best friend saying ‘I do’ and a few months later sitting in a lawyer’s office saying ‘I don’t.’ For thousands of people, divorce is far from a light subject, but how do we begin to learn what divorce entails and how exactly do we deal with it?

Furthermore, how do we learn to not only deal with the divorce but grow as a person and move on to our next relationship as a stronger and more mature individual? The best way to do this is by first coming to terms with the parts of divorce that are not pleasant, and learning how to transform these unpleasant moments into a learning experience that then teaches us what we have done wrong, and how to avoid these mistakes in the future.

The good, the bad and the ugly of divorce

1. The good: moving on and maturing

Divorce doesn’t have to be a complete nightmare. In fact, it can actually help you to grow and mature as a person as well as find yourself and fix the flaws within you to start new relationships on a far better footing. On top of this, removing yourself from a toxic relationship where fighting and anger is common can help you to become a happier person and learn what starts the arguments, rather than how to finish them.

Your self esteem

When you choose to leave an abusive relationship, you may realise that the relationship was lowering your self-esteem and turning you into someone that you are not. Once you leave, you can begin to feel more confident overall, and this confidence will help you both in relationships as well as your everyday life. Likewise, a lot of abusive relationships, in particular, that involve children typically make the abused feel like they have to stay around for their kids, however, that is not the case.

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Your children’s mental health

In fact, when a parent removes themselves from a toxic relationship, they are actually removing the chaos that could lead to depression and PTSD in their children. Although it may not be easy at first to leave a relationship you have been a part of for a long time, divorce can actually lead to a far better future for both parties involved, if handled properly, and even allow each party to understand where the other was finally coming from in arguments and emotional opinions.

2. The bad: managing assets and learning to compromise

It’s no surprise that the longer you have been with an individual, the more you will have shared, bought together, and even bought for one another. When this occurs, however, the divorce can become far more tricky, as both parties will tend to want the same items for their sentimental value. Furthermore, many individuals may try to receive the other person’s assets simply out of spite and, in some cases, they actually win.

So how do you prepare for this and the costs involved in ensuring your divorce runs smoothly on your end no matter what they throw your way? The best way is to become financially stable, learn to compromise, and figure out what assets are most important to you, which ones would be nice to have, and which ones you couldn’t care less about.

Learning to compromise for the greater good

Although it may be difficult to come to terms with a divorce and all it entails, sometimes simply learning to compromise accordingly can make the process far easier on both parties and actually help you to make amends rather than split ways unresolved.

You may not always leave a divorce with everything you hoped to receive, however, by doing this, you are beginning the next part of your life free from pre-existing attachments. On top of this, letting go of things that you once held onto simply to remind you of the other person can actually help in your moving on process and allow you to focus on your future rather than your past.

Figuring out what assets you want to keep

By sitting down with your lawyer, you can ask for a list of assets from the other party and begin to decide which ones you want to keep and which ones you want to give to your ex-spouse. This is not always necessary, as some divorces end with an agreement beforehand, however, for less smooth divorces, you can actually come out on top by managing these assets ahead of time and coming into it with a plan between you and your lawyer. Similarly, you can ensure that your lawyer is capable of rebutting and creating compromises without finding themselves speechless or unaware of what you would say in regards to a particular agreement they put on the table. This allows you to be able to work with your lawyer, put more trust in them, and get more out of it likewise.

3. The ugly: damage done to children by angry parents

Having a child can be the greatest part of being an adult. From their first words, all the way until they hold up their diploma on their graduation day, being a parent is an endeavor that certainly has its ups as well as its unfortunate downs. However, when your relationship is on the rocks and divorce is your only option, all too often children become more of a weapon than another person whose emotions matter equally.

By preparing them for this change in their lives, you can prevent them from lashing out in an unhealthy way and ensure that they do not make mistakes that will haunt them throughout their entire lives over issues caused by your separation.

In the end, the most important part of child custody in divorce is the child and, by putting differences aside and thinking about them first, you can help them to come to terms with a decision they had no part in. Furthermore, you can take this divorce and turn it into a new beginning for everyone involved and learn to mature, improve, and grow from it.

This post originally appeared on Divorced Moms.