I’ve been in their lives for 15 years and I love them like my own, but sometimes the politics of being a stepmum are still overwhelming.
If only there were rules to govern how to be a stepmother, particularly as your stepchildren get older and start having kids and getting married. Jo Abi thought it would get easier as they got older. Sadly, it isn’t the case. She writes in defence of stepmothers.
I recently posted this status update on my Facebook page:
I met my stepchildren when they were aged 12 (Daniel) and 8 (Nathan). I can’t believe that one is now a proud father to a gorgeous boy and the other is newly engaged to a beautiful girl. All grown up…I’m about as proud as a stepmum is allowed to be. xx
Reading it back one part of it jumped out at me. “I’m about as proud as a stepmum is allowed to be”. Allowed to be?
This perfectly sums up what it’s like to be a stepmum.
My stepchildren have been a part of my life for the past 15 years. During those first few, it was fun, challenging, emotional and rewarding. I used to dream of the kind of relationship I’d have with them once they were grown. I wanted us to be close, to be in constant touch. I wanted my own children and I wanted my stepsons to be actively involved in their lives.
I have that now. I'm living the dream.
Except, I am still only the stepmum.
My status as a stepmum has never really bothered me before. We had the boys each weekend and longer during the school holidays. When they were with us, it was my time with them and it didn't ever encroach on their time with their mum, and vice versa.
However, now that they are having children and getting engaged there are functions their mother and I need to attend together. It's all overlapping; uncomfortably. I never feel more like a stepmum than when I am getting ready to attend a birthday party, an engagement party or a wedding.
Look, I know my place. I always have. I've never been one of those stepmums who has felt the need to assert herself and stamp her foot about her place in the family. Out of all the parent figures in my stepson's lives, I am the least important. If there are any issues, I step back and step aside, unless my involvement is specifically requested.
However, now with this engagement coming up and the excitement I am feeling, I'm having to force myself to bury some of the enthusiasm I am feeling. I want to shower them with gifts and help and love and support. I want to be involved in the organising of the event and their eventual wedding. But that's not my role. I'm not the mother.
Some would say that I should be able to do all of this, that I should be able to express my love and support freely, however 'should' has never been a word that works in situations like this. What I should do and what will work best for my family are two very different things.
I'm the stepmum. That's not a mum. Nothing I do should take away from my stepsons mum's role during these incredibly important moments in their lives.
I choose to be okay with that.
Do you think stepmums should know their place when it comes to important family events?