'I was struggling with my mental health. Here are 3 ways my wife helped me to become a better dad.'

As a man, we like to think we can do everything on our own, but I believe that men with an incredible support system from a strong female are more emotionally stable and resilient. 

To give you some context to that statement, I’m 36, and my wife Jess and I currently run a video content agency together here in Australia. 

As part of our business, we have seven full-time staff, eight contractors based around Australia, an eight-year-old girl and a six-year-old boy (who are both on the spectrum) and an Aussie bulldog named Franky. 

Since the kids were born, Jess has always taken a considerable interest in their development as humans. 

Not because we want our kids to be top of the class or read before their time, we just want them to have the best possible opportunity to understand themselves.

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For those reading who have kids, on the spectrum or not, you’ll know how hard it is to keep your cool when your kids are playing up, fighting over who owns what toy or who gets to go first. 

Here’s where I want to get personal;

I grew up in a very loving home; my parents took me to church and sent me to a Christian school, but I was always disciplined really well. My dad used to and still has names for all the tools from the kitchen and elsewhere that he used to keep us in line: 

• Sammy Smack Spoon
• Billy BBQ
• Conny Conduit
• Barry Belt
• Terry Towel  

As funny as those names sound to everyone else, these names gave me underlying trauma that I did not realise until I started working with a therapist last year. 

When I was about 13 years of age, I stopped getting smacked. Because I was then somewhat 'well-behaved for years afterwards, I never really thought anything else of it. 

Until I had my own kids and realised the rage I had inside of me. 

Whenever our kids were yelling, I would yell back; when they threw something, I would throw something with more intensity.

What I soon realised through therapy and the help of Jess, I was instilling the same fear that my father put into me, into them.

Through countless interactions, and lots of patience from my wife, her guidance helped me to become the emotionally resilient dad I am today.

So I wanted to share with you, three things she did to help me become the father I am today.

1. Lead by example. 

When my kids are playing up, my first reaction is to reciprocate the same negative energy back.

Until I saw her hold her ground, watching as they get the energy and emotions out from their day, situation and or circumstance.

Nothing speaks louder than someone comfortable in the face of chaos, holding the house together, knowing that reacting to the fact won’t help anyone. 

Jess helped me by showing me first how she holds herself emotionally.

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2. Called me out with love.

Naturally, as I react, things get worse. 

When the kids are upset, yelling back at them has them more enraged, which in turn has me more enraged. 

I have lost count of the times that Jess has told me, “Just leave me to deal with them, go for a drive, go walk it off (or f**k off!)” 

Even though she’d prefer my support, she trusted and knew that I’d come around eventually and I did! 

That trust that she had in me, that ability to see the father and husband that I can be; that belief is one of the key reasons I am the man I am today. 

3. She helped me to understand what was going on for them.

When I know I’m tapped out, I’ll make the time to recharge at the beach, the gym, on a walk, or on a long drive.

Our kids don’t have that same luxury.

They’re coming home to decompress.

They rely on us being emotionally neutral. 

Through this, Jess found the right time to address the situations and circumstances that I talk about above. She came to me when I was not irate and unable to think. 

She came to me when I could process information, think about the decisions and, more importantly, tie it all together to be the best husband and father I can be. 

As a result, I am very proud of how I now handle our kids and their emotions. I’m not perfect, far from it, but I’m constantly working on being better every day. 

We treat our kids with respect, understanding and love to help them see how their decisions are helping them to develop. 

To all of the wives, partners, mums and legendary humans supporting us men - thank you! 

Not all of us can explain or even show our emotions, so please, I ask you not to give up on us men. 

Some of us are still working it all out. 

Please, where possible, try to see the best in us and help us see that in ourselves too. 

Jess' love and support and help is what allowed me to be the father and husband I am today. 

I hope this allows you to bring out the best in your partner too. 

Alan Howle, is a dad of two, husband to Jess, mental health advocate and founder of Triple Effect Media. Find him via his Instagram @alanhowle

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, please reach out to SANE Australia on 1800 187 263.

Feature Image: Supplied.