"Every day I'm asked when my boyfriend and I will marry. I've finally figured out how to answer."

August 28, 2016

Over the weekend I was in a fearful social situation that many a person has found themselves in before.

Surrounded by friends, almost all of whom are recently married, soon to be married or recently engaged.

And while I’m beyond happy for all of them, there’s one thing I can’t stand (anyone who’s in a long-term relationship and of a certain age will know exactly what I’m talking about and about to say).

It’s the inevitable “so, when do you think you and (insert boyfriend’s / girlfriend’s name here) will get married? Do you want to get married? Have you talked about marriage?” line of questioning that follows around ringless women like a plague.

Katy Hall

August 28, 2016

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The Quicky

I'm good, thanks. Source: iStock.

Up until recently, my response was something like this: "um, ah, well, ha ha, of course, we have talked about it. Um, that's definitely something I want one day, but, um, oh olives! No, I think we will, but, err, who can say? Time will tell. There's so much we both want to get done first, and, ah, you know. Do you need a drink top up?"

Short of saying, "I dunno, mate. Ask my boyfriend," I honestly have no idea how to answer those questions. Because the problem many women like myself share is that aside from being highly personal information, the questions are also seriously uncomfortable for one glaringly obvious reason.

I'm an organised person. I'm a planner, a goal-setter, a proactive do-er, and most of the time I have answers to the questions people have about my life. That is, all except for if and when my boyfriend will one day decide to legally bind himself to me.

Look at me, I'm a catch. Source: Bridesmaids / Youtube.

Having been together for over four years now, my boyfriend and I have had some conversations about this topic, but not many. And we both seem to be perfectly okay with that. Sadly, in my experience, generally, that's not the answer people are looking for.

Saying "I hope so," makes you sound desperate and as if you're hanging on the telephone.

Replying, "I think so" and suggesting it's something that's set to arrive in the near future leaves you set up for a massive fall if you break up.

And admitting you've talked about but not settled on anything just opens you up for more questions.

Seriously, just ask me what I ate for dinner instead. Source: iStock.

So after much consideration I've come up with the only fail-safe answer I can think of.

It involves simply looking the questioner straight in the eye and saying, "He/she is such a great person, and I'd definitely count myself lucky if we end up together."

Smile, maybe insert a short laugh and make your exit to the nearest bar. Because god knows you've definitely earnt yourself a drink by that point.

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Top Comments

Bec 7 years ago

I was asked that question for 8 long years before we got engaged. The weddings were always the worst. My favorite response to people who asked, " So when are you two getting married?" was to look completely distracted and say, "yeaaaahhh, not today. We're busy cleaning our fish tank." Always ended in laughter on both sides while the person who asked the question politely got the message that the answer was none of their god damn business 😉

guest 8 years ago

I never ask anyone this, or any questions inquiring after their personal lives, plans or circumstances around meeting someone, marrying someone, having kids etc. You just have no idea what the story is or what the conversations are between the couple. And it is none of your business. It's their life, just be a good friends, sister, cousin or whatever you are to them. Unless someone voluntarily opens up and asks for advice, mind your own patch!

I was single 8 and a half years and got sick of all the jibes around "Why are you still single?" "You mustn't be putting yourself out there" "You're too picky" etc crap that went on and on from people I hardly even knew or had just met! It doesn't come across as well-meaning. I even had one acquaintance who met a girl after years of being single himself go on to tell me what was wrong with me (after 18 months of no catch up) without even asking if I was dating anyone (I was, someone I met at his birthday as it happened).

My wonderful boyfriend/ partner and I are now delighted to be expecting a baby after very upsetting news - early in our relationship - about expected fertility just over year ago. We grieved, especially me. We sought a lot of specialist advice. Given I'm mid-30s, although marriage was on the cards we decided we'd start trying in autumn because it could take us quite a while based on advice from doctors and family and friends who'd tried at my age. It might even be a challenge. So whether a pregnancy or a proposal happened first, we didn't mind. Both were in our plans, but we accepted may not be in traditional order.

Well despite everything, pregnancy happened right away! On our very first cycle of trying :) We're delighted and so is the family and our friends. However because we're not married we've been asked outright if it was planned, and by people we don't know well. For this reason he now tells people his "partner" is pregnant, rather than his "girlfriend" even though he's 30-something and clearly happy when he talks about the pregnancy and our baby.

Also, a few have jumped straight to so will you get married before baby comes, or... when's the wedding? It's not the 1970s. There's no sense of shame or 'oops'. Baby was very much planned, is very much wanted and we are grateful for how easy the conception was and how easily the pregnancy is going. We now we will get married but I'm not going to get married in a grand rush because I am pregnant. Neither of us were ever church-goers. And I don't want to get married with a baby bump under my gown. I just want to relax and enjoy my pregnancy. At this point, I'd much rather have him or her with us at the elegant event :) Our relationship is as solid as any other. I don't question whether he is in it for the long haul.