by MELISSA CHAPMAN
My husband and I have VERY different ideas when it comes to letting our kids experience pain.
This summer my daughter had a pretty tough bullying experience at her day camp. And while I let her attend three weeks of camp – the last two of which chipped away relentlessly at her self esteem and then made the decision to send her to a different camp – my husband was vehemently opposed to my decision to let her come home.
Here’s how the conversation went:
Me: “Honey (I always preface every conversation in which I know I will be attempting to get on his good graces by addressing him as ‘Honey’) our daughter has morphed into a sullen depressed middle aged woman, taking to her bed each day after camp. That spark and excitement she had about the summer – has all but dimmed. I really feel like the best possible thing would be to take her out of this situation.”
The Sugar Daddy: “Our daughter needs to learn to adjust to a bad situation. Not all situations are going to be ideal. She has to grow a thicker skin and adjust and make the best of things.”
Me: “But HONEY, this is the summer – she has eight weeks to just be, to enjoy, to be a kid, to be free and well, she seems like a prisoner of war as opposed to a happy go lucky camper. This camp situation is literally sucking the lifeblood from her. She is saying she CAN’T wait for camp to be over. THIS IS NOT the way her summer is supposed to play out – NOT under my watch.”
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Its hearwrenching that we think that this sort of situation is normal. I worry about the state of the world (take a look at what is going on globally) and it is this sort of mentality that got us here. We need a change, and it must start with how we raise our kids.
I've been reading about something called integral education lately. Here is part of an article geared at kids 6-9. Because boy do we need a different way to raise kids if we are going to see a change in the world....
"Ages 6-9: The Ability to Reflect on Oneself and the Environment....
Many psychologists now attest to the fact that people who commit terror acts and other physical abuse lacked precisely this kind of guidance as children. These individuals act out of a desire to feel acknowledged by others, to have others see them as important and special, and to find a place where they can fit into society. This is because no one helped them understand the right way to connect with their environment when they were young. No one showed them how to receive attention, recognition, and importance the right way, and this void drives them to achieve these goals any way they can.1
We can help our children avoid these negative expressions in society by teaching them the right way to connect to others through exercises they perform as part of their education. Children have to role play being in various circumstances which they will encounter in life, including situations of jealousy, control, power play, lies, and cheating. After they role play being in these situations, they should discuss what happened, how they reacted, and why. They should explore questions such as: What is the reason for this negative occurrence? Is it a result of human nature? If so, is it possible to “rise above” it?
The children should hold an actual “court” in class to deal with cases of abuse and theft, for example, with one child playing the role of the offender and another child – the role of the victim. Another two children can play the victim’s mother and father, while the rest of the children in class can be the judges, the jury, the prosecutor and the defense, and so on. The children have to take this scenario seriously, as if they really are in that role. For example, the offender should bring proof that he is innocent, meaning that he had no other options but to act the way he did.
After the first “hearing” of the court is done, it is advisable to allow the children to take a break for a while and then to change roles. If a child played the role of the victim before, now he should play the role of the offender’s mother or father.
That way the children will be able to experience and observe themselves in different roles. They will begin asking themselves questions such as, “How could I have thought that he was wrong yesterday, while today I’m completely convinced that he is right?” As a result, this will become much more than a game because the children will gradually begin asking about – and understanding – the larger meaning of life. They will begin to empathize with others, to actually “feel their neighbor.” A child will begin to understand that others can also be right even if they have a different opinion than himself. He will understand that tomorrow he might also find himself in a different situation, and thus he will develop the feeling of empathy, the ability to identify with other people and other concepts of reality.
Another possibility of expanding this exercise is to stream the discussion via the internet, with an entire virtual community of children sharing their opinion on the topic being discussed.
By means of these exercises the children will develop the ability to communicate with different people, even if these people disagree with them or hate them, because they will understand that they too could find themselves in the other situation at some point in the future.
Most importantly, this style of education will adapt the children to living in a global, interconnected world. For example, it will give them an intuitive understanding of the elusive fact of quantum physics: That each one of us includes all the possible situations, as well as the fact that every person has a place in this world and therefore we must show patience and tolerance to all.
If we can teach our children to understand that we are all undergoing constant changes (just like our own opinion could suddenly change during a game or a discussion or as a result of such things) and that we shouldn’t be afraid of change, they will be able to continue developing throughout their entire lives. This will mark the beginning of a child’s true maturation into a “human being” because a “human being” is someone who is able to overcome his animalistic desires and drives, to see, judge, and analyze himself from the broader perspective of the collective.
How does the educator fit into this role playing game? His responsibility is to make sure that the discussion is interesting and realistic, that everyone understands what is being discussed, and that it does not digress to unnecessary topics.
The duration of the role playing game may be anywhere from just a few minutes and up to two hours, and should conclude with the children sharing their impressions of what took place.
The key principles for the exercise are:
1. The situation should be realistic and relevant to the children’s lives, and
2. The topic for discussion should be suitable to the children’s age and level of understanding.
The most important concept to be learned is that other people are entitled to their own opinions. We are all human and as such, we all have weaknesses, problems, and things about us that we don’t like. Games such as this will enable us to correct the things that need correction and to expose the good things in others and emphasize them. "
Wow, thank you! It seems we are missing a whole section of education for our children.
Three weeks is a long time in a little girls life. I would have taken her out of camp too and made sure that the people running the camp knew exactly why. These people have a duty of care and that includes making sure all the kids feel safe and are having a good time.
Your daughter has many more years to 'toughen up'. Let her enjoy being 11 years old.
(I do think the word 'bully' is over used these days. My kids are 9 and 12 and have never experienced any bullying. Bad behaviour and rough play...yes, but bullying.....no).