‘How many pillows you sleep with tells me everything I need to know about you.’

I've been fighting with my friends. Not about work, not about relationships, not even about what we're having for dinner (obviously it's sushi). We've been fighting over something much more serious that has completely divided us.

The question in... question. What is the correct amount of pillows to sleep with?

I'd like to think of myself as a professional sleeper. I get around eight to 10 hours of sleep most nights; I have 27 years of experience in sleeping and I've also slept in many beds — single, queen, double, king and the classic child-favourite and adult nightmare... the top bunk.

Watch: How long you should nap for. Post continues below.

As you can see, I have quite an extensive resume under my belt when it comes to sleeping which is exactly why I've bravely taken on the role of CEP (Chief Executive Pillower). I have worked out exactly how many pillows you should sleep with and I have some pretty accurate ideas on the types of people who sleep with a different amount.

Before we start, I want to make it clear that decorative pillows don't count. I don't care about how many pillows are actually on your bed... I am only concerned with the amount of pillows you physically sleep with.

Here is exactly the type of pillow person you are:

If you sleep with one pillow.

I have a question for you... what was the crime? Because I'm assuming you're reading this from a jail cell. Actually, I think even prison allows their inmates two pillows. If you're a one-pillow wonder, you were forced to sleep alone at an early age. You feel most comfortable in creaky single beds because it reminds you of your childhood when everything was simpler.

Yes, you sleep with one pillow but that pillow is your entire life. If anyone took it, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself. You were that child who brought your one pillow to sleepovers. Your family and friends should probably be jealous of your one pillow because of how attached you are to it.

And it definitely needs to be replaced, take this as your sign.

If you sleep with two pillows.

Look at you! Wow, well done. People who sleep with two pillows are usually single people who used to sleep with one pillow until more and more of their dates started suggesting "Maybe we'll just sleep at mine instead."

Finally, they're catching up to adulthood and have realised that two pillows seem to be what everyone is doing nowadays. Although the second pillow was initially used to create the illusion that you shared your bed with someone else, you have now embraced its presence and spooned it every night pretending it's the large warm body of Henry Cavill (No? Just me? Okay cool... moving on).

If you sleep with three pillows.

Odd numbers... interesting. I'm assuming you're a one under the head, one under the arm and one between the legs person? Look. I'm going to be honest, I have no notes.

The only issue is, is that you now can't sleep any other way. The minute your thighs touch at night, it jolts you awake as you scramble in bed in search of your third pillow.

You're also deeply concerned that someone might walk in on you sleeping in that... position. However, you're not concerned enough to change your ways. Keep slaying.

If you sleep with four pillows.

Hello perfect princess. You are absolutely stunning and nailing life right now. If you couldn't tell, I am one of those people who sleeps with the correct amount four pillows.

You have everything going for you. Your four pillows are there to protect you from all the evil in the world. You wake up on a fluffy cloud every morning with your pillows to greet you and push you into the day ahead.

Your partner constantly asks if you could remove some pillows from the bed because they're taking up too much space. You tell your partner, "Maybe you should remove yourself from my pillow's space instead." It sounds harsh, but it's what they deserve for asking such a ridiculous question.

If you sleep with five or more pillows.

Bestie, we need to talk. What's going on? Can you even hear me under all those pillows? I'm expecting you to remember everything I've written so far with all that memory foam that's piled around you. 

Unlike most cases, more pillows equals fewer problems. You keep living your carefree, cushiony life... it seems to be working out great for you (so far 👀). 

If you don't sleep with a pillow.

I refuse to interact with serial killers. Please see someone about this.

If you sleep with a cushion instead of a pillow.

Similar to sleeping with no pillow, you have serial killer tendencies but you're not there yet. At least your neck is somewhat supported (I hope). I have more questions than answers with this one.

1. What type of cushion is it? Surely not a... bolster 😳 (Please tell me it's not a bolster).

2. Why?

3. Am I missing out?

No honestly, the only reason I'm interested in trying to sleep with a cushion is because it HAS to feel better than sleeping with a pillow. There's no other reason why someone would choose to do this to themselves. 

How many pillows do you sleep with? Tell us in the comments.

If you want more culture opinions by Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.

Feature image: Instagram/@kyliejenner

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