'Drinking turned me into a zombie of a mum. Then it almost killed me.'

My name is Mandy and these days I am a self-leadership coach; but I have a massive back story.

And here it is.

I am an alcoholic. A big, true blue alcoholic. At my worst, there was nothing but booze going down my throat, and after many months of multiple bottles of red wine per day — I was probably about 2-3 weeks from death… whether that be from my body shutting down, or from my own hand.

The quality of my life was non-existent. I had lost my job, owed a huge amount of money; I don't think I'd showered in about two weeks.

And my friends and family had no idea what was going on.

So, when it came time for me to come clean to the people around me, to stop drinking, ask for help and own my mistakes — in some cases I was met with love and understanding, in some cases shock and disbelief, and in some cases — disregard.

Surely, I must be making it up. Surely it couldn't be that serious?

How did I get there? How did I go from being a university educated, well-presented professional woman, a mum with two beautiful children, a wife with a lovely home, to someone who was at the bottom of six to eight bottles of wine a day, not knowing what time of the day or night it was?

Image: @simplywellme Instagram.

I married my husband because it was the right thing to do. It made life so easy as we already had out first child.

It wasn't very long into the marriage when I started to feel trapped. I had never really wanted to live and stay in my home town, I had wanted to live a big life and see the world. My husband worked all the time, and when he had one day off a week — he would hang out with his mates, rather than spending time with me or giving me a break. And he wouldn't allow me to go back to work - he 'wasn't having his daughter in daycare.' My mental health started to decline very quickly. By the time I had my second daughter, I was severely depressed. Not something that was talked about out loud in the early 2000s.

This was also around the time that the 'wine o'clock' culture started; the 'Mummy deserves a wine' memes and jokes were everywhere.

And that made it easy for me to have a BIG glass of white wine at 4:30pm while I watched the Bold and the Beautiful on Channel 10. And soon, one glass became two, and sometimes three before my husband got home from work at 6pm. I guess I was hiding from the reality I found myself in.

Drinking doesn't help depression. It makes it much worse, in fact. And when you are in such a bad place, you make stupid decisions. I had started doing some Tupperware parties (he had grudgingly allowed me to do this), and I was very good at it. Great sales, growing my team very quickly. I was invited to a conference on the Gold Coast, and we didn't have the money for it — so I secretly opened a credit card without telling my husband. I had the best time away, I felt a little bit like my old self. But he found out about the credit card while I was away, so when I flew back into Canberra at the conclusion of the conference, and he picked me up from the airport — I knew it was going to be bad. The trust in our marriage was completely gone.

Watch: Your Body After 1 Year Without Alcohol. Post continues after video.

I know now I shouldn't have done it, and today, 20 years later — mentally well, and much more mature — I would not have done what I did. But depression makes you do strange things — no excuse, but it is what it is.

As the marriage deteriorated, my drinking got worse — usually a bottle a night. For years and years and years.

The trust never came back, and eventually the marriage ended.

As I tried to re-discover myself after divorce, alcohol was a constant — because alcohol IS a constant in Australian society. All the marketing, all the ads you see on TV, all the Hollywood movies — every professional woman you see has a glass of champagne in her hand, she is having a martini or cosmopolitan with her girlfriends (Sex and the City anyone?), or she's sipping a whisky as she works late into the night at her very important job.

My now ex-husband was an integral part of my family. He was friends with one of my brothers and worked with the other. Even after divorce, he was invited to every family event, birthday, Sunday afternoon BBQ, and my parents even invited him and his new girlfriend out for dinner on a random Wednesday evening - just because.

The trapped feeling wasn't going away. So, I bought a house out in the country, to try to give myself some distance. Unfortunately, my girls hated this — and they went from being with me 12 out of 14 days, to spending a week at a time with their dad so they could see their friends.

In that week off-week, the loneliness set in. And how did I cope with that?

Booze.

And it got quickly worse.

Image: @simplywellme Instagram.

The one bottle of white wine soon didn't even touch the sides, it was just the starter before I got into the red wine. And the red wine went from one glass, to two, and then to three.

As you can imagine, there were many mornings when I was in no fit state to drive the hour into Canberra for my work; and working from home wasn't a thing (it would be another 10 years before COVID hit our shores). My work performance got worse — when I was even able to turn up at all. It got to the point where I quit before they sacked me. And then the drinking escalated even more.

'It's 12 o'clock somewhere' would roll around in my head, giving my justification for early afternoon drinking, and then — what the hell was the difference between 12:05pm and 11:50am? And once the morning drinking barrier was broken, it was on like donkey kong.

Within six weeks I was drinking to the point of black out. My oldest daughter had left my country house months before, gone to live with her dad. Her parting line: 'I'm sick of having a zombie for a mum'. I got it. I wish it had of been enough to make me stop; I don't know why it wasn't. And my other daughter she left too. Thank goodness she did - I couldn't take care of her, and the trauma she endured before she left was something that I will never fully understand or be able to make up to her.

In October 2016, I was probably around a week or two from death - either by my own hand, or from my body shutting down from alcohol poisoning.

But one day, I just stopped. I don't know what the switch was. I just remember thinking 'other people don't live like this', and 'my life hasn't always been like this.'

The next couple of weeks were a blur of having to tell people, psychologists, doctors, therapists and some pretty confronting conversations with friends and family. It was unbelievably hard.

I had to have a medical detox at the hospital - and no heavy drinker should stop 'cold turkey' before checking if this is required.

I had to take a deep breath and allow myself to be vulnerable and completely lay bare my demons, I had to learn a new way of living, recreate my whole life, and deal with ignorance and absolute zero understanding of what I was going through.

But I did it. Once I had made the decision, nothing and no one was going to veer me off my course.

Listen: How do I know if I'm drinking too much? Post continues after podcast.

When I stopped drinking, that was it for me. No negotiation. No passing go, no collecting $200. There was nothing and no one and no situation or excuse or special occasion that would ever make me have a drink ever again.

In the beginning, I would often go out and meet friends for breakfast rather than lunch or dinner. Less chance of alcohol being expected with your bacon and eggs, right? Sometimes I would be soda water with some lemon cordial into a champagne flute… the more smashed people get around you, the less they take notice of what you are actually drinking. As long as you look like you are fitting in, it avoids the awkward questions and sidewards glances.

Today, in 2024 — there are so many non-alcoholic wine options. It is much more socially acceptable to not have a drink.

When I got sober, a lot of people looked at me like I had three heads.

"One isn't going to kill you."

Actually, yes it will.

Not straight away, and certainly not in the next hour.

But as an alcoholic, I don't have an off switch — so one is not one, one is many.

The old alcoholic's adage: one is not enough, and two is too many.

The cumulative effect for me would have been disastrous. It would have been 2-3 weeks at the most before I was back at rock bottom.

So… I continued to say no, I continued to fight against the lack of understanding, I continued to ignore the comments that come from a place of ignorance, and I continued to fight against society norms.

And today, eight years later — I still say no.

In fact, today — I help others. Thousands of others. Because I've been there, and I have come out the other side (and maybe that is a story for another day).

I am a self-leadership coach (@simplywellme) who helps women find their way. Whether this be their way from a boozy rock bottom, or grey area drinking, or crippling anxiety, or just knowing that they aren't happy - and don't know how to turn their life around.

Life can be good again.

Feature Image: @simplywellme Instagram.