Say goodbye to sexy rodent men. Welcome to the spooky doll women era.

When I was growing up, my childhood best friend had a collection of porcelain dolls. 

Every time I spent the night at her place for a sleepover, I slept on a floor mattress surrounded by shelves of seated dolls in frilled dresses, porcelain faces and beaded, judgemental eyes, staring down at me as I attempted to sleep. The horror. 

Okay, I have a thing about spooky dolls. But in 2024, I cannot avoid being triggered... everywhere I look.  

You see, the most famous women in the world right now all appear to look like porcelain-perfect dolls.

Of course, no one wants to talk about this.

Nope. Culture is fixated on how the epitome of attraction right now can be found in the sexy rodent boyfriend. 

The trend was solidified by the popularity of Challengers, a horny tennis movie featuring Josh O'Connor and Mike Faist fighting over Zendaya. Big mood. Both of the leading men are considered rat-like: they have exaggerated ears, pointed noses and small eyes. 

This isn't shade. This is a compliment. Rats are so hot right now. 

From Jeremy Allen White to Barry Keoghan and Taylor Swift's ex Matty Healy — everyone is hot for micey men. 

And of course, this includes someone I'd argue hailed in the hot rodent boyfriend phase: Timothée Chalamet, the ringleader of the rats. 

'Call me by your name... Ratatouille.' 

We get it, you're rats. Good for you.

But let's not pretend that these handsome rodents are the cultural tastemakers. Absolutely not: it's all about the spooky doll women. 

Starting with the doll to end all dolls: Sabrina Carpenter.

Standing at five feet with flowing blonde hair so flawless that I expect it comes with a tiny plastic miniature comb to keep every strand in place. And a perfectly sculpted face probably designed by Mattel. 

I like to imagine that when Sabrina isn't singing about being human caffeine or begging her famous boyfriend to behave, she is stored inside a Polly Pocket. 

Collect the whole Polly Pocket Set (Met Gala Collection sold separately). Image: Getty.

Each time she's invited on tour with Taylor Swift or to perform for Saturday Night Live, she emerges from this tiny existence inside a Polly Pocket, picks another bedazzled heart-crusted outfit and sings her #1 songs. Must be nice!

Sabrina is not alone. The other woman of the moment, Nicola Coughlan, has been giving doll vibes throughout her press tour for Bridgerton. With her enchanted eyes, classic features and short stature, Nicola is giving pure spooky doll. In her most dramatic look, she looked like a haunted doll from the 1800s brought out to scare off children. 

Perfect, no notes. 

'Fear me!!!!' Image: Getty. 

Then there's Furiosa star, Anya Taylor-Joy, who perpetually appears like a beautiful doll dug up from my grandmother's basement, ready to put a hex on anyone who dares to step in her path. I'm about it! 

Furiosa: Mad Hex, when??? Image: Getty. 

Then there's Lupita Nyong'o, who has the most beautiful face ever created. 

It's too perfect, if you ask me, which raises questions over whether it was carved by a witch deep inside a forest. The star of A Quiet Place: Day One has spent her recent media appearances leaning into her spooky roots. I'm afraid but also excited. 

'Boo! Haha just joking, I'm totally chill.' Image: Getty.

Then there's the supernova of spook: Billie Eilish.

Aside from her incredible talents as a singer and songwriter, let's be real: she has built her career off being a little bit creepy.

It works for her. Keep doing you, Billie gal. But I wouldn't be all that surprised to learn that she's actually an ancient doll from the Middle Ages built to harvest innocent souls. 

'Bad guy? I'm the spook doll!' Image: Getty. 

Continuing with the Gen Z energy, Halle Bailey is another actor who resembles a doll much more than any human I know. At the premiere of The Color Purple, she wore a poofed-out dress that made me want to prop her up on the dashboard of my car. 

But I won't! I promise! 

'Honk if you're spooky.' Image: Getty. 

Rounding out the spooky doll energy, we've got the likes of Elle Fanning, Camila Cabello, Chappell Roan, Sydney Sweeney and Jenna Ortega — they all look like tiny dolls you'd find hidden in the cupboards of a haunted mansion.

I can't quite describe what makes a spooky doll woman but they should not be trifled with. 

But what I do know is that if Sabrina and Barry ever have a spooky rodent doll baby, the world better watch out. 

Feature image: Getty.  

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