Move over, problematic Mr Peterson. Here are 12 more rules for life.

Five million. 

That's how many copies Professor Jordan B. Peterson has sold of his iconic book 12 Rules For Life since it was published, almost exactly five years ago.

That's a lot of books. For context, the average book released in Australia sells around 1000 copies. 

Maybe you know who Peterson is, maybe you don't. If you don't, here are some (very subjective) crib notes. He's a Canadian university professor who blew up on YouTube in 2016, railing against his workplace's rules about pronouns. In particular, the university's insistence that students should be able to choose their own. Peterson didn't like that, and he didn't like lots of other things about modern life, either. 

Millions of views and a few books later, he's what we broadly call a 'public intellectual', an academic who gets paid to have opinions – and arguments.

While you're here, come on an intimate first date with the amazing Holly Wainwright. Post continues after video.

In Mamamia Out Loud circles, like everywhere else, he's a divisive figure. My co-host Jessie Stephens and I like to argue about Peterson. Jessie thinks the good professor talks a lot of sense, with a spattering of dangerous nonsense. I think he talks a lot of dangerous nonsense, with a spattering of good sense.

Hear us debating: Does That Jordan Peterson Have Some Really Good Points? on a special subscriber segment of Out Loud, here.

Prof Peterson was back in a big way in 2022, and in celebration of one of my and Jessie Stephens' most potent respectful disagreements I have written my own 12 Rules For Life to go alongside his in the canon of self-aggrandising self-help. I am hoping to attract a book deal that will see me sell five million copies and no longer be able to hear any of Jessie Stephens' very good points because my ears will be stuffed with diamonds. 

Before we begin, for reference, here are Prof Jordan B. Peterson's 12 Rules for life, conveniently fitting on an online-ordered framed picture. It is also available on a women's t-shirt, if you're so inclined. 

Image: etsy.com

Which brings me to rule number one:

1. Be very suspicious of anyone who thinks they can summarise the complexity of human experience - and the smudgy parameters of right and wrong - into a few pithy sentences that conveniently fit on a t-shirt. 

But also please, keep reading. 

2. Be absolutely certain about as few things as possible. 

Hand-in-hand with Rule Number One. Life is complicated and people are more so. It's not possible to accurately sort people into neat piles of Good and Bad. You will have a more interesting life, and much more interesting conversations, if you keep your mind open to the chance you are wrong.

What's that? This sounds suspiciously close to Peterson's Rule No. 9 – Assume The Person You Are Listening To Might Know Something You Don't? 

Yeah, that too. 

3. That pile of hand-wash only? No, it won't happen. 

That pile of 'delicates', waiting for you to decide to wash them in the sink, rinse them in the sink, tenderly lie them flat to air-dry on a towel? That pile is doomed. You will take it with you when you move house. Stop buying s**t you can't take care of.

4. Never say "I will never...".

Yes, you will. 

This rule is particularly pertinent to parents, and parents-to-be, at every phase. Yes, you will use technology as a babysitter. Yes, you will threaten consequences you won't follow-through. Yes, you will reach for the chicken nuggets. Yes, you will shout at your children in anger instead of whispering firmly with solemn empathy. Yes, you will sometimes find yourself using exactly the phrases your parents used, the ones that you hated so much. Let it go. 

While we're at it...

5. Have a child. Or really, really, don't.  

Babies change everything. Don't buy the lie that they won't. 

Once you are a parent, you have officially immigrated to another country. And it's confusing there and the time-zones are bats**t and you don't understand the rules and customs and all the guidebooks are ridiculously idealistic and judgemental. But your home there will be bigger, broader, fuller, funnier, more bursting with love. 

It will also be terrifying, full of risk, more expensive, devastatingly unpredictable and frustratingly uncontrollable. So if that doesn't sound like your bag, don't do it. We are way past the point of anyone having to.  

6. Get a dog. 

Peterson says you should pat cats in the street. This is clearly the advice of a madman. Cats don't want your pitiful pats. Dogs do. They want your pats, and your kisses and your cuddles and your ear-scratches and your chin-chukkers and your chases and your throws. They want your time and your attention and they will make you get outside more and they will make you care about something that makes no sense at all and they will allow you to play, wildly, stupidly, way past an age when it is socially acceptable to do so. Go get a dog. Preferably one that needs a home. 

7. Listen.    

When you don't know what to do or what to think – listen. Almost every problem can be eased by listening. Big ones – listening to voices who are usually silenced, telling their side of familiar stories. Small ones – yes, listening to your mum tell you what she had for lunch today will make her less grumpy. Listening more than talking makes you better at your job, at relationships, at understanding the world's most complex problems. Listen. 

8. The third drawer down is where your life unravels. 

Everyone has one. Don't be fooled into thinking it's only you. Who has that drawer, you know the one – the one with the things too big to go in the second drawer, plus mayhem and chaos.

School reports. A ladle that spills soup directly down your front. Three pens that don't work. An essential receipt for that thing you don't know what it is. A pineapple corer. Shoelaces. A medicine syringe. Two guilty single-use plastic bags.

If you gaze into the third drawer down and allow its clutter to define you, as I have done, many many times, you will feel your self-esteem plummeting, and the edges of your personality unravelling. Close the drawer. Step away. Next door has someone just the same. It's where we keep our shameful insides.

9. Books are good. 

Even bad ones are good. Anything that lifts you out of your own immediate experience is good. Anything that gives you flashes of recognition or inspiration is good. Anything that brings respite, a laugh, a howl, a tear, a gasp, a realisation. Good, good, good. 

Even 12 Rules For Life. Good. 

10. Implement a series of small treats. 

A series of small explosions of joy – an afternoon orgasm, a mouthful of cheese, an ocean swim, a belly laugh with your person, the first sip of a cold beer on a hot day – is crucial to getting through the inevitable grind of being a human. You are allowed to do things that make you happy. Don't pile those things up with guilt. 

11. Don't be a dickhead. 

This is really Rule Number One, the only one that matters. Not sure if you are a dickhead? Here are some tell-tale signs: You say, "I'm just telling it like it is". You say, "Those who can't do, teach". You say, "You can't say anything without upsetting someone these days". You say, "I felt so guilty, I just had to tell you". 

Everyone makes mistakes, but dickheads don't care. Don't be a dickhead.

12. Don't buy that white linen shirt. 

Who do you think you are? It's a coffee magnet. 

That's it. Thanks. If you need me, I'll be over there, eating a steak and waiting for my royalty cheques.

Feature Image: Instagram @wainwrightholly/Booktopia/Mamamia.

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