Group therapy: "My father is a high functioning alcoholic and I don’t know what to do."

My Dad is a wonderful, smart and loving man. He has always been my strongest supporter and I know he would do anything for me.

I can’t remember when I first became worried about my Dad’s drinking because alcohol consumption has always been normal in my family. Both my parents have always enjoyed a glass of wine with dinner and when they went out for lunch, they always liked to have a drink then as well.

I think it was around 2004, when I was in Year 12 that I realised that my Dad was going to bed awfully late for someone who had to work the next morning and that he was always unsteady on his feet. He drank more and more over the coming years, rarely during the day, but in large quantities every night. He always got up and went to work the next morning though and he seemed to be able to do his job normally.

Then he got bladder cancer in 2010 and that changed everything for a while. He was extremely ill, but luckily he did recover. He stopped drinking for several months following treatment and did not seem to miss it. Then suddenly he started drinking again, only in even larger quantities. One bottle a night turned to two bottles, plus port until he could barely stand.

He drinks every night, yet amazingly he still manages to get up and go to work 98% of the time. Last night he fell over several times and managed to cut his head and his hand. I don’t know if he went to work today because I left early to go to work myself, but I have a feeling that today is one of the rare occasions that he didn’t make it in. I managed to sleep through it, but my brother (who has only recently moved back home) and my Mum had to deal with Dad’s injuries and get him into bed which was no easy task.

I am writing this while I should be working because I feel like this has gone on long enough and something needs to change. The trouble is I just don’t know what to do.

Things could be a lot worse, as I said Dad is still managing to hold down a job, he is not violent, he doesn’t shout or cry or anything like that when he has been drinking. However his language toward Mum can get quite abusive when she (in frustration, I can’t say I blame her) starts telling him off for drinking too much again.

I am sure I don’t know most of the reasoning behind my Dad’s drinking because he is a very quiet/private person, but I think it is a combination of his brother committing suicide a few years ago, the fact that he hasn’t maintained any of his friendships/social networks, his sister dying much too young and in awful circumstances, his illness and his difficult relationship with my Mum. I won’t go into detail about my parents’ marriage because that really is a whole other article on its own, but they have had issues for years and most of those issues are unresolved and fester in the back of the background. My Mum has her own fair share of problems too and she has turned to Christianity to deal with them. As someone who is not religious, I have mixed feelings about this, but at least her beliefs aren’t threatening her health.

Back to Dad, I used to have it out with him every night about his drinking, but all it did was lead to very unpleasant arguments. The next day it would be like nothing had happened (largely because Dad had absolutely no recollection) and the next night the whole cycle would start again.

I disliked those arguments so much that it has been eight or nine years since I last said anything.  I might be imagining this, but I think that Dad’s memory isn’t what it was. He also seems more unsteady, even when he is sober. The other rather large issue is that when my father drinks, he also smokes which is how he got cancer in the first place. Let me put it this way, if he wants to get cancer again, he is going the right way about it.

I am sure most of this sounds very depressing, but honestly most of the time it isn’t. I love my parents and I am extremely close to them. I spend a lot of time with them, I talk to them, I don’t make decisions without consulting them and I see daily the tremendous pleasure that I bring to their lives. This is why at 29 I am currently living at home, (I have moved out at different times, mainly because my work has taken me elsewhere) because my parents love having me there and because they seem to drink a little bit less and function better when I am around. However I can’t stay at home with my parents forever and I don’t think the fantasies I am currently harbouring about moving to another country are a solution.

I am writing this because it has been good therapy to put my thoughts on paper, but also because I would like some advice if there is anyone at all out there who can relate to this situation. As I said I haven’t yet found a way to talk to anyone about this in person, but I am afraid that things will only get worse not better.

In your life, has a loved one been affected by alcoholism?