Sarah was happily married for 16 years. Then after a birthday party, her husband turned into a monster.

Content warning: this post discusses sexual assault. 

When Sarah* first met Andy*, she immediately put him in the friend zone. It wasn’t the same for him though. He was keen and ensured they spent as much time together as possible, frequently catching up on their lunch breaks. 

"By the time I realised I had feelings for him he had friend-zoned me, so it all became a little awkward until a night out in a pub and a pash on the dance floor. Our relationship moved along at a very fast pace after this."

In the beginning, the relationship was great. They were both career focused, hard-workers, they enjoyed an active social life and a shared love of travel. 

"After we wed in 2005, we waited a few years until having children. I didn't want to be pregnant before I reached age 30. Once we decided on a baby though, they came along very quickly - three babies in 3.5 years."

Watch: Why Consent Education Isn't Enough. Article continues after the video.

Life became very hectic very quickly, and although they both adored their kids and their lives, cracks began to appear. 

"I was either at home with the children or working part time. The full weight of the mental and physical load of raising the kids and running our household sat with me. 

"He would be up and gone before the kids and I even woke in the morning and he would rarely be home before the kids were all bathed, fed, and put to bed for the night."

A sinister turn. 

Over time, Sarah decided to get her life back. She had bariatric surgery, and was feeling the best she’d felt in a long time. "I felt like the old me was back, confident and loving life."

It was after a night celebrating a friend’s 40th birthday that things changed irreparably. 

"We were both drinking, it was a great party, and it certainly felt nice for me especially to be out and about. When we arrived home from the party, neither of us were especially drunk."

They began having consensual sex, changing positions. 

"He was making actions to indicate that he wanted to have anal sex, nudging me with his penis. I clearly said 'no' and pulled away twice. The third time I said, 'It's not going to happen, stop'. 

"With that I felt his fingertips grab at my hips and he was inside me, thrusting hard and aggressively, pushing down on me to pin me. I screamed, and the tears were immediate, I was pulling away from him as much as I could. 

"Eventually I was able to get up, and I ran to the ensuite bathroom and bawled my eyes out. I was in pain, I was in shock, I was confused."

In that moment, Sarah knew her husband had raped her. 

"I felt the way his fingers dug in and the way his actions became so aggressive. He didn't even come into the bathroom to check on me."

When she eventually returned to the bed, Andy was snuggled up in one corner, apparently trying to sleep. 

"What the f*** was that?" Sarah screamed at him. "I said no three times."

"I will never forget his response: 'well, I thought that if I just did it anyway, you might like it'."

Physical and mental torture. 

Over the days that followed, Sarah was furious. She could barely look or speak to her husband, who carried on as though nothing had happened.

"I cried constantly and looking back now I think it was a case of instant hatred, for him and for what he had done. 

"Then the gaslighting started. It was like this was his only way to justify his actions. He’d say things like, 'I said I'm sorry didn't I?', 'What more can I do, I said sorry?', ‘Are you still mad about this?’, and even ‘How long are you going to hold this one over my head?’."

For a while, Sarah put her feeling aside, putting on a brave face for her husband’s 40th birthday party. She kept her experience from friends or family to protect him, leaving her isolated and alone. 

"I was just in limbo, I didn't want to end my marriage but I also couldn't stand him being near me. I was angry that he put me in this position, like it was now up to me to make things right and move one—basically forgive, shut up, move on and accept."

But Sarah couldn’t accept it. It tortured her mind, and she wanted to discuss it endlessly. But Andy didn’t. He never wanted to talk about it, and when she tried, he’d simply roll his eyes. 

"He would show his complete disdain at being reminded that what he did was marital rape or sexual assault. 

"In his eyes he was a 'good guy' who made a mistake, and he was now the victim because I couldn’t let it go. He never denied what happened, he just expected me to accept it and move on."

Sarah stayed with Andy for another three years, and during that time, she could “probably count on one hand” the number of times they were intimate. 

"This also became a sore point in our marriage, he wanted sex and I wanted him as far away from me in the intimate sense as possible."

Over the three years, Sarah knew what had happened was wrong, but she kept asking herself the same questions. 

We are married so is it rape? Would our friends think that this rape? Am I being dramatic? Why is this all I can think about? Is it really such a big deal?

Even Sarah’s own father told her she should 'get over it' and move on. 

"I sought counselling for my own mental health, I went back on antidepressant medication, I had to insist on marriage counselling, which he only agreed to once the threat of my ending the marriage was clear."

Over time, things became worse. Andy started doing drugs, and Sarah knew it was time to go.

A long road to recovery.  

Although Sarah left her husband and has found happiness with her three children, a fulfilling career and her own home, she lives with the scars of being raped by her husband. 

"My mental health has struggled. I was told that I had PTSD from the assault and have been in constant counselling and taking medication ever since. I have regained most of the weight I lost through emotional eating, after the assault, but also through the ending of my marriage. I have a huge amount of guilt that I was the one to end the marriage and resent the fact that he pushed me to the point that I had to."

Sarah is sharing her story, to encourage other women in similar situations to recognise their experience for what it was, and do something about it. 

"There is no justice for me in this case. I have no doubt that there are plenty of other women that have been through similar situations and I know how very isolating and lonely it can feel. 

"People don't know how to respond to someone when this happens and that can make the victim feel like (the rape) should be accepted, and that their trauma is not legitimate or serious enough."

In the face of alarming rates of male violence against women, Sarah wants all women to understand that these seemingly isolated acts of violence are not minor. 

"What seem like minor acts of violence, such as my situation, are still real, still painful, still traumatising, and I feel concern that the men in our lives will continue to think this is ok. 

"Men don't have to kill women to be classed as part of the problem."

Healing is a work in progress.

"Although we are divorced now, he somehow still has a way of making me go from feeling like I am on top of the world, happy and strong, to feeling completely worthless. This is what I am working on now."

Sarah is forced to continue communication with her ex-husband with whom she co-parents her children, but says she’s found freedom in knowing she made the difficult choice to live her truth. 

"I listened to my heart and knew I had no other option (than to leave my marriage). I am proud of me."

*names have been changed. 

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732)—the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

Feature image: Getty. 

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a national organisation that helps women, children and families move on after the devastation of domestic and family violence. Their mission is to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most. If you would like to support their mission you can donate here.