"Why I don't miss having a newborn."

There is NOTHING I miss about having a little baby.

I’d had the name ‘Bobby’ chosen for 5 years so I was dying to use it. After I gave birth, I grabbed his slippery body and most memorably, I grabbed his chunky bum in my hands.

The next few weeks were a nightmare. What had I signed up for? I’d mentally prepared myself for a baby but I struggled. I still do. Can a mum ever say she’s NOT struggling? If so, I’m jealous.

Breastfeeding hurt like a motherf*cker. Why did no one tell me this? Your nipples turn into bleeding-blistered messes, and I compare it this way to a man: if your knob was completely split and cracked, covered in blistered and bleeding everywhere – would you want someone to continue sucking? No. But they need to, sometimes 12 times a day!

I was quite lucky in the sense that from about six to seven weeks of age, Bobby slept well. I’d be looking at seven to eight hours straight, which is actually more than I get now.

Up until six-months-old, Bobby never slept during the day. He may have slept his 12 hours over night, but day times were just plain yuck! Unless he was being pushed in a pram, in the car, or laying in my bed with me, he would NOT sleep during the day. I lasted six months and then the controlled crying had to come in. Within a week he loved his cot for day sleeps and now sleeps two times for two hours a day.

All of a sudden I’m three days away from my baby turning one. One part of me says, "Where the hell did that go?!?" whilst another says "Thank f*ck that’s over!"

You continually hear women saying that they don’t want their babies to grow up and that you shouldn’t wish them away too soon.

Well, hate to break it to you but I’m the Wicked Witch of the West who wanted to say goodbye to a newborn as quickly as I say "no, I’m not having another baby soon" to those who ask.

Why am I like this, you ask?

I LOVED my boy Bobby, he was my baby, I did everything in my power to care for him no matter how tough it got, but I HATED having a newborn. Other than the beautiful cuddles I would get in bed, there is NOTHING I miss about having a little baby. 

I spoke to a good friend of mine who had a baby within weeks of me, and we spoke about this ‘lack of connection’ with our newborns. I thought I was alone in this, but apparently not. The love is there from the start, but neither of us had the overwhelming sense of love that is so often spoke about.

I know I have fallen more in love with Bobby the older he has got. The character, the cheekiness, and the little personality I see coming out in him – I fall in love with that everyday.

I struggled to fall face-first in love with a screaming baby who made me get up four times a night, who hurt me – both physically and emotionally, who made me question myself day in, day out.

You almost turn bitter towards them, and although it’s not nice to admit that, it’s a reality in my world.

I do NOT miss the self-doubt I had as a first-time mum.

I never understood how challenging life can really be until having a baby. Not just for his needs, but for my own as well.

Personally, I’ve battled through a highly emotional ride. One I’ll never forget. I definitely don’t miss the anxiety I’d get when trying to get a newborn to sleep.

Mums – you know when you’ve been up doing a night feed and you’re anxious to put them down again in case they aren’t full, or they aren’t asleep, or that they might do a poo as soon as you get them to sleep? As you creep in to your room and quickly jump back under the covers, you are desperate. You have never been so desperate in your life that you don’t hear your baby shout back out to you. You pray with everything you’ve got that they stay asleep, ideally for more than 45 minutes.

But while they aren’t crying out yet, you are so desperately trying to fall asleep that you are in fact worrying yourself more. And you waste a good 20-30 minutes of what could be solid sleep time stressing that you aren’t asleep and before you know it it’s time for another feed.

THAT is a nightly feeling I DON’T MISS! I don’t miss feeling desperate for something everyday – whether it’s for sleep, for a cuppa, for an uninterrupted shower, for a stress free day – I don’t miss any of it.

Now the love I have for Bobby is weird. It’s not as happy as some people make it out to be. It hurts. It hurts my heart at how much I love him. It’s true, I fall more in love with him everyday now as a little person. He is a crack up. He dances, he does silly faces, he copies actions that I do. He is fun! A newborn for me wasn’t fun.

I like that I now have routine in my life. I certainly don’t miss the unpredictability of a baby.

And although I can look back at my thousands (yes, thousands!) of photos and go “oh look at him!” I accept that life moves fast and I am quite content to now have my one-year-old. Perhaps my opinion on this will change in a few years when my one-year-old Bobby is seven and naughty, or 16 and starts smoking, or 28 and marries a gold-digger – who knows!

What I do know now is that I have just about gotten through by far the toughest year imaginable for me – my first year of motherhood. It had its many good times; it had its many dark times.

But I’m now excited for the next chapter. I’m excited to have a little boy holding my hand, a little friend with me everyday. A boy who can continue to teach me valuable lessons about life, and make me laugh everyday in the process. 

Do you miss having a newborn?

This post originally appeared on The Young Mummy.

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