We weren’t exactly the closest of siblings, and there was a fair bit of tension at the best of times, but she was still my sister. While we never muttered I love you, or spoke of how we felt during those years of her health declining or the impending finality of her situation, there was an invisible bond that deep down, we both knew we’d always look out for each other. And we did.
So when her boyfriend – fiancé – told me this week that he’d met someone, that same wound quietly shattered again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for him. I’ve wanted him to take that step and find new love, maybe start a family, have a life where he doesn’t just live with his grief. But when it finally did happen, when he sat across the way from me and told me with a sense of guilt, I felt the loss for my sister. It was happening. He was moving on.
I was surprised by my reaction. He’s doing the right thing and I told him so, yet I felt instant and palpable sadness. My sister had years of up and down, destructive – emotionally and physically – relationships but this one was the other end of the spectrum. He is a loving, caring, and beautiful man. They were an incredible team, even through the darkest days of her illness his loyalty and love stayed firm.
I’ve got to know the boyfriend well over the past few years; he is an important member of our family, uncle to my kids and surrogate brother to me. And through him I’ve also learned a lot about my sister, the person that she was and the side of her I never knew. I understand now why she was so stubborn, frustrating and determined. She fought so hard to stay. She desperately wanted to be with him. It was an amazing and ultimately heartbreaking love story.
I know my thoughts just stem from my love for my sister, I guess it feels like a break-up but of course that’s not the case.
Truth be told I’m also scared of losing him now that he’s found someone. He’s part of our family and an important link to my sister, and he’s reached out to us as much as we have to him.
However it’s time for me to let him go. I know it’ll all be OK. Sam’s memory will never fade and that’s what keeps her part of us all.
Kate Wise is a comunications consultant and mum of two small children.
Top Comments
I'm late to this post but really hope that Kate has a chance to read this, as her story sounds very similar to ours.
Husband's partner of five years passed away in much the same way as your sister 25 years ago. He's a very attached person and stayed close to her family, when I started dating him I was obviously very unsure about how to play the relationship with his 'extended family'
They were absolutley lovely, welcomed me and told me that I was a part of their family now. Meant that my husband was able to stay in touch with people he loved, and yearly they have a dinner for her (which I obviously don't attend, but am glad he gets that opportunity to remember her with those who also loved her)
22 years of our marriage later our children grew up as 'cousins' (in fact the cousins in my post about our daughter 21st birthday party are not genetically related at all- they are our special extended family) we see them for Christmas, weddings, birthdays etc.
It is a very special relationship, obviously one that hasn't always been easy, but we just built from the love their family has for my husband. It means that my husband doesn't feel forced to forget a past life.
Hope that helps, email if you have any more questions
http://yveblogs.wordpress.com
Thank you Yve, your story is full of heart and love.
It does help x
My sister is my best friend & person I am closest to in life (no partner..35 so getting more unlikely I will find anyone, too!).
Her death is one of my greatest fears. Not that I don't love my parents etc but I reckon this would be the one thing that...
It's not so much that I wouldn't continue living. It is more I would no longer feel a connection to the human race. It would all happen 'outside me'.
Actually have just thought of something I could do to counter: volunteer overseas and help those who really have it tough. Anyway massive life change if she passed on, that's for sure.