"A letter to 'Greg', the reason I got absolutely no sleep last night."

Dear Greg,

I don’t know if that’s your actual name but that’s what I’m going to call you because Greg sounds like the kind of name of someone who ruins people’s lives.

That’s what you’ve done to me today, Greg.

See, last night I had finally, finally reached optimum comfort levels in my bed, with the perfect ratio of covered/exposed leg by my doona.

Then you decided to show yourself.

I was just about to happily doze off when I heard a rustle by the side of my bed. It was the kind of 'meh' sound that could be nothing, or it could be something HUGE.

Then it came again, and again.

Treading carefully, I turned on my light and instantly saw you. I stifled a scream and did the only thing I could do - run.

Listen: Tricks to get more sleep (when you're cockroach free.) Post continues after audio.

Eventually brain cells kicked in and I grabbed the only weapon we had in the house. I closed my eyes and used it with all my might until you were defeated, lying flat on your back. Still.

I allowed myself to catch my breath before running to my only other housemate who was still awake. "Can you help me get rid of him, please?" I begged. She agreed with no hesitation (Legend.)

But even though you were gone, I still felt your presence, heard that clicky, hissy noise. Every tickle on my skin, every unfamiliar sensation jolted me back into that initial state of fear. I barely slept a wink.

So this is me this morning, Greg. Eyes puffy, face tired and already counting down the minutes until I can sleep again.

Image: Supplied/Brittany Stewart

If anyone asks me how my night was last night, I'll just be telling them one thing...

I bloody hate cockroaches.

For more passive aggressive letters (and other stuff), you can follow Brittany Stewart on Facebook.