HOLLY WAINWRIGHT: 'This week, everyone's mad with Harry and Meghan for all the wrong reasons.'

Everybody's mad with Harry and Meghan.

That's Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan.

Which is part of why people are mad. It's their titles. Harry has two, you see — Prince and Duke — despite his (many) public declarations that the royal family is a corrupt institution in cahoots with a morally bankrupt media. Meghan has one, Duchess, despite her (very) few public declarations that her time in the bosom of the royal family was disastrous for her mental health because of the relentless scrutiny, lack of support and racism.

Watch: All the highlights from Harry and Meghan's royal tour to Australia, Fiji, and New Zealand. Post continues after video.

People are mad at them for their money. The Prince-Duke and Duchess have been savvy enough to cut massive deals with the world's most prestigious content brands, including Netflix, Spotify and Penguin Random House, which has made them millions and millions of dollars, buying them a very big fancy house down the road from Oprah.

People are mad at them (this week) for being on tour in Colombia. Not "on tour" in a Taylor Swift kind of way, but on the kind of tour that only royal people undertake — the kind where you watch cultural performances and visit organisations doing good works, and wave at people in the streets and wear a lot of diplomatically selected local designers to receptions held in your honour. A royal tour without the titles. Oh, sorry, with the titles. Like an ALDI version of a brand-name royal tour. People seem really mad at them about that.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle during their visit to Colombia, August 2024. Image: Getty.

People are mad at them for not talking to their grumpy siblings. For falling out with their sick fathers.

They're mad with them on Twitter, sorry, X, where violent Meghan-hate trends daily. They're mad with them on the pages of the Daily Mail, which isn't surprising considering how many times Harry has sued them. And on Sky News, Fox News and anywhere (everywhere) where outrage sells.

They're mad at them for wanting police protection, for worrying about their safety as if they're, I don't know, famous or something.

They're angry with them for being political or not being political, too 'woke' (inclusion! equity!) or not 'woke' enough (mansions! private jets!).

All this fury at Prince-Duke Harry and Meghan Duchess overlooks one, very important point. One that is possibly the only real reason to be mad with two people trying to do good in the world. Trying to direct their spotlight in the direction of worthy causes. Trying to live something like a private life with their cute little kids and their pretty chickens down the road from Oprah (oh, and Katy Perry).

The jam.

You remember the jam. American Riveria Orchard jam.

Where is it? Where is the jam? Why are we still waiting for our jam?

One hundred and fifty-eight days ago, an Instagram account appeared. It had those clever blank tiles that, viewed as a grid, made a jigsaw of a logo. A logo for American Riveria Orchard, which looks flourishingly royal. And underneath, it is says Montecito, which is the place they live, down the road from Oprah. And underneath that it says 'by Meghan, Duchess of Sussex'.

Listen to this episode of Mamamia Out Loud where we discussed Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex and the suspicious timing of her new brand launch. Post continues after podcast.

And then there was a little story video, and we got a glimpse of Meghan in her kitchen, stirring a pot, and maybe running down a hallway, barefoot in a ballgown. You can't see that video anymore, which makes me nostalgic for a simpler time. But we know Meghan was making jam in that giant pot because a very small, select group of powerful friends started posting pictures of their promotional jam, with hand-written numbers on the jars.

Now I know it takes a long time to write numbers on jars, but it doesn't take 158 days.

And I am certain that there's no jam-related news, because I, like many others, went to the site I was directed to, where I entered my email address to be "added to the waitlist". Nothing. One hundred and fifty-eight days is a long time not to send a hot jam list anything at all.

Those of us eagerly awaiting the royal jam line are left making do with Cottees and pondering if, perhaps, all this hate has soured the royal appetite for the condiments business.

Because if you can't get an appreciation for trying to save the mental health of Colombian teenagers via social media education programs, how can you hope to be loved for selling sugar?

Now, I have a friend who's a very clever and successful businesswoman. You might have heard of her, she sits next to me on a podcast called Mamamia Out Loud, and she says that long-lead marketing is a thing. She told me about lead magnets and "top of the funnel" brand work. Build FOMO, she says. Create scarcity, she says.

Scarcity? 614,000 people are following American Riveria Orchard. And how many of them have jam? I've tried to do the maths, but I keep coming out at three. And that doesn't seem right. Because Oprah lives down the road, and surely, she has jam.

But wait. There is some news. Jam, apparently, is not just jam. It's a cypher, a symbol, of something much bigger. "Reports" in one of the Sussexs' favoured outlets suggest that next year, maybe in April, maybe never, Meghan's Netflix "lifestyle show" is going to launch. Like the jam, the show is a mystery wrapped in a riddle, but it looks like it's a Martha Stewart-meets-Goop, aesthetically-pleasing, kitchen-focused accompaniment to American Riveria Orchard (ARO, let's just call it ARO, FFS). That it's already been filmed. And that jam is far from the limit of Meghan's ARO ambition. There are whispers of yoga mats, picnic blankets, and dog biscuits. Cookware, linen, vibrators (I made that one up, but we can dream). It's all part of the plan. And one day, hopefully, part of that intriguing Instagram grid that's been sitting there, taunting me and 613,999 others for 158 days.

So, to all the people mad with Harry and Meghan. Do not direct your ire at the ALDI royals, who are trying to make us talk about important issues when all we want to do is snipe.

Just keep calm, carry on, and wait for your damn jam.

Read more stories about Harry and Meghan:

• A flailing charity and a disappearing act: What Meghan and Harry's life looks like now.
• 'Mate. Get your d*ck sorted.' A very honest recap of the most bizarre parts of Spare.
• 'I see the texts, and I squeal.' A very honest recap of Netflix's Harry and Meghan.

Feature image: Getty.