So, um, this goes without saying — but by far the best part of this season of The Bachelor happened last night.
You see, it’s all well and good for Richie to date several women at once and try to work out which one is woman-ing the best so he can marry her. But what he really needed was a second baby challenge. This time with a toddler.
Obviously it was decided (by ingenious producers) that a grown adult man would come in and pretend to be a small child named Rory.
That man was Hamish Blake, radio host and dad of potentially the most widely adored two-year-old in all of Australia.
IT’S LIKE ALL THE THINGS I LOVE HAVE BEEN PUT IN THE ONE PLACE AND I DON’T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Ahem.
So, we’ve put together the 16 best moments from Hamish Blake’s Rory’s starring turn on The Bachelor, even though, let’s be honest, there were a million.
1. When Hamish was a baby.
HAHAHAHAHA. Ahhh, he just made such a good baby.
2. When Rory threw his toy out the car door.
Any person who has ever been around a toddler knows how much truth there was in this moment. They have their things, and then before you know it, they just… don’t. Did they drop it? Did someone steal it? Did they… eat it?
3. When Rory asked Daddy about his ‘type’, and Richie tried to act like it WASN’T blondes.
Richie went on some tangent about how his 'type' has nothing to do with physical appearances (using some odd metaphor about ice cream). Which is a little baffling, given that most of the remaining Bachelorettes could be mistaken for the same person.
4. When Rory didn’t want to sit at the baby table.
When Richie, Faith and Rory stopped to get some lunch, there was a baby table conveniently set up in the corner. But, um, Rory didn't want to sit at the baby's table. He wanted to sit with Mum and Dad. Because, obviously.
5. When Rory repeated a plaintive cry: 'HUNGRY.'
I mean, he was hungry, sooo..
6. When Rory was naughty and poured a drink out on the floor.
RORY!
He went straight to the fridge, opened a bottle of soft drink, and poured it out. When Richie and Faith insisted he wasn't allowed to do that, he argued 'no one ever told me not to.' Good point, Rory. Good point.
7. When Rory referred to himself in third person the entire time.
"Rory wants Mummy."
"Rory doesn't want to sit there."
"Rory wants to play."
8. When Rory made the bowling alarm go off, then needed Mummy's help.
Toddlers have no sense of what's embarrassing, and when Rory was given the bowling ball, obviously his first instinct was to walk down the alley and try to hit the balls. But then an alarm went off, he started yelling, he laid on the floor, and demanded his Mummy.
9. When Rory basically cock-blocked the entire date.
The awkward moment when Faith really wants to spend some alone time with Richie and she's got this to deal with:
10. When Rory made Faith take him to the toilet.
At first she probably thought it was a joke. But toddlers need help. As Rory said, he's old enough to not need nappies anymore, but he still needs some help when he goes pee pee.
She was all like: "I'm not taking a grown man to the toilet," and Rory was all like, "I'm not a grown man... I'm a toddler."
11. When Rory made Faith sing him The Toilet Song.
It went a little something like this: "Rory's going to the toilet, to the toilet..." Great melody. Great lyrics.
Then Richie added, "Twinkle, twinkle, little dinkle..."
I think we all wish we could be sung to while going to the toilet. Especially in public.
12. When Rory got tired.
Look, this is fun and all, but Rory needs to get to bed early. Can we go now?
13. When Rory asked why his room was on fire.
Clearly the Bachie pad is meant to be romantic, so Rory's room was full of candles. But, umm... Rory wanted to know where all his books went. And why his room was on fire. Very odd.
14. When Richie was too rough with Rory.
Obviously Rory needed to be changed into his pyjamas, and obviously it wasn't going to be easy. But Richie was desperate to get this man-child into bed so he could have an intense make-out session with the hot blonde next to him. So he went a bit rogue and started yanking at Rory's clothes.
Rory asked why he wasn't getting a bath. This is one neglected toddler.
15. When Rory watched Mummy and Daddy making out.
It was so perfect. Just when you think he's out of the way, and Mummy and Daddy can have grown-up conversations and do grown-up things, Rory reappears... in the creepiest way possible.
16. When Zoe Foster-Blake LIVE-TWEETED IT.
Eugh. I want Rory to come back next week.