A very serious analysis of why Gwyneth Paltrow rated Ben Affleck as 'technically excellent' in bed.

Gwyneth Paltrow has finally answered the question that no one has wondered about for 20 years: Out of her very famous ’90 exes Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck, who was better in bed?

It was a “really hard” question to answer, she told Alex Cooper, host of the Call Her Daddy podcast.

Difficulties aside, she didn’t hold out. She went on to tell the world: “Brad was like the sort of major chemistry, love of your life.”

Aww, isn’t that such a sweet way to describe your first love? She and Brad first got together when she was just 22, and he was 30. They broke up after three years together, only a few months after getting engaged.

And what about the Argo star, who she dated, on and off, from 1997 to 2000?

“Ben was, like, technically excellent,” Gwyneth said, then laughed, “I can't believe my daughter’s listening to this.”

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Technically excellent. 

It’s a term that’s been dubbed akin to “conscious uncoupling”, a new Gwyneth-anointed phrase for a new era. But unlike conscious uncoupling, which we all get, thanks to the very real example of her divorce to Chris Martin, “technically excellent” is dividing the internet. 

What does “technically excellent” even mean? Was Ben stashing his sister’s Cosmo magazines (does he even have sisters?) and then memorising the instructional sex how-tos until he had a step-by-step formula ingrained into his very being?

I used to edit these types of articles back when I was working on women’s mags and they were all very perfunctory. Not very sexy. 

“Insert this bit of anatomy into here”, “circle tongue in an anti-clockwise motion there”, “hold this bit like you would a phone, NOT like you’re crushing a Coke can before you throw it in recycling”, etc, etc. 

Is that what Gwyneth meant? He had the moves but not the feels? Was she throwing shade at him? 

Like someone else commented: “Technically excellent but figuratively awful?”

And then there’s the other corner of the internet who thinks being “technically excellent” is a very, very, very good thing. 

As one person commented on Instagram: “I mean, I kinda figured? JLo wouldn’t be going back to any old boy after two decades lmao.”

LMAO indeed.

Then there's this... According to our investigation (read: googling their relationship timeline), the last time Gwyneth and Ben got it on was around 23 years ago. If he was “technically excellent” back then, what does it mean for Present Day Ben? See? Lots of questions.

“Technically excellent” sex versus the “love of your life” kind.

We needed a professional to weigh in, so I asked therapist Christine Rafe, a sex and relationship expert for Womanizer.

Rafe tells Mamamia: “My interpretation of the statement that someone is 'technically great in bed' relates to the physical acts within a sexual experience such as positions, techniques and a knowledge of pleasure anatomy that can support orgasm. It almost alludes to someone who can follow a sexual script or engage in sexual activities that are pleasurable in a physical sense." 

Sexual script! See? I was on to something. 

Sorry to interrupt. Rafe continues...

“When we consider overall sexual satisfaction, it's much more complex than knowing certain positions or specific techniques, and research continues to reiterate that sexual communication, feeling connected, being present and present play a bigger role in sexual satisfaction than physical technique.”

Listen to The Spill discuss Gwyneth Paltrow's sex rankings. Post continues below.

Intriguing. So what about love-of-your-life sex? 

Here’s what Rafe has to say about that.

“Describing something as love-of-your-life type sex could be interpreted to mean the sex is more about the whole-person experience and likely includes chemistry, deep connection and ongoing communication.

"Chemistry is a word we use to describe an attraction to someone that is felt and experienced in a physical sense, but can (and often does) present without any physical contact. This type of attraction to someone causes a release of high levels of the hormones dopamine and norepinephrine which physically present with dilated pupils, increased heart rate, butterflies in the stomach, increased circulation to the genitals and sexual desire. 

“There remains a lot of uncertainty around exactly why we feel chemistry toward certain people and not others. In sexual experiences where chemistry exists, the pleasure and satisfaction can be derived from being intimate with that person, regardless of the physical positions, activities and 'techniques'.”

So there you have it. The expert's interpretation. 

The final word.

But we should leave the final word to Gwyneth, who in a game of F**k, Marry, Kill with Brad, Ben and Chris on the podcast, chose the following:

F**k? Brad.

Marry? Chris. “I would do that all again.”

Kill? “Ben, yeah, God bless him.”

Image: Getty + Mamamia.