A completely ridiculous guide to being in your 30s. You're welcome.

Your thirties are a time when everything you did in your twenties now looks pathetic to an outsider: crushing on a shirtless Zac Efron, losing your iPhone, drinking West Coast Coolers.

No longer can you drink too much and spend the night hugging a toilet bowl without looking tragic. No longer can you go from job to job with no real plan and escape judgment. No longer can you go to a bar without clocking the room for someone – anyone – who may be older than you.

And if you’ve gotten this far without having children, everyone – and I mean everyone – is suddenly interested in what you and your womb’s intentions are.

By now, you’re supposed to have ‘it’ together: your finances, your alcohol intake, the relationship, the career trajectory.

You’re old enough not to be considered young anymore and you’re young enough not to be considered old. You’re basically life’s version of a middle child.

At the ripe old age of 34, I’m regarded as the resident ‘old’ person in the Mamamia office (when Mia’s not in). Which is as ridiculous as it sounds, because a) I’m not old (right? Hello?) and b) I’m one of the most irresponsible people you’ll ever meet. Being older (not wiser) the task of writing a guide to being in your 30s naturally defaulted to me. I’d like to apologise in advance, and please know that this is intended to be read with a huge helping of sarcasm. Being in your 30s is actually ace. See? No one else in their 30s still uses the word ‘ace.’

Here goes:

Age 30.

By your 30th birthday, you’ve already lost 10 percent of your muscle mass. Congratulations!

Age 31.

This is the age where – according to ‘science’ – women start turning into their mothers. Coincidentally, this is also a time when women reach the peak of their sexual confidence.  Make of that what you will.

Age 32.

Sadly, you’re now passed your peak beauty age (31 – seriously who does these surveys anyway?) but it’s not all bad news. J.K. Rowling published the first volume in the “Harry Potter” series just before she turned 32. Remember Mr. T from the A-Team (you won’t if you’re sub-30)? At age 30 he played the villain in “Rocky III,” so that’s something, right? Ok, maybe not. How about the fact that no one (apart from friends and family) knew who Oprah or Jane Austen were before they turned 30? There’s still time!

Age 33.

Move over twenty-somethings, 33 is the golden age for fashion, according this ridiculous (but definitely true) survey. Apparently we become comfortable with our personal style only at the age of 33. That or we have more money to shop from places other than Sportsgirl and Asos. So say goodbye to the fashion faux pas’ of the past. Before you get all smug about this new-found fashion fabulousness, say hello to sleep deprivation. A third of 33-year-olds say they the struggle to balance our busy work, family and social activities at this age leading to an average of only five hours sleep a night.

Age 34.

If you’re in the acting game, I’ve got some bad news. Female movie stars make the most money on average per film at age 34, but that’s it, then it plunges. Let your muse be Meryl Streep, who commands $7-$8 million per film.

Age 35.

I dunno, it’s possible that you may not have heard that your fertility declines after age 35. So I won’t go into that. On the bright side of things, a UK based study found that women are actually in their prime at age 35. This has to do with gained confidence in your style and image. I’d like to ask it also has to do with confidently deflecting comments asking you when you’re going to get married/have babies/have more babies.

Age 36.

I’m sorry, all I could find at this age is about your chance of conceiving naturally halving. MOVING ON.
Age 37.

Finally some good news, 37 is the happiest age. A study revealed that we’re the most contented we’ve ever been at age 37. This is because we’ve smashed most of the top ten life goals we set for ourselves. Like being financially secure (no more two minute noodles!), travelling the world, owning a home and having a success career.

Age 38.

Apparently this is the year you should cut a fringe because it will take years off your face. This is completely based on one person’s experience with being asked for ID at a bar. So…

Age 39.

According to a truly awful survey, age 39 is APPARENTLY the age you should give up wearing bikinis. Seven out of 10 women confirm this to be true. I call bullshit. I say rock the body you got, no matter what age or size.

So here we are. A more stylish, possibly fringed version of ourselves who closely resemble our mothers. Is that such a bad thing? Not at all. Your thirties are one of the best decades of your life. You can look forward to better sex, more money, not being a lowly assistant at work, getting along with your parents – well when they’re not sending you chain emails or asking how Facebook works. By this age, you feel confident in letting go of the friends who aren’t good for you. A Saturday night spent alone at home, seems less tragic because it is.  And besides, if you do happen to drink too much and vomit in public at least it’s with better tasting alcohol. (I still can’t drink sambucca or bourbon for this exact reason.)

One more upside: we’ve got decades before we get hit with the hot flushes of menopause, and according to Joe Hockey 70 is the new 60. So even if you don’t have your shit together? There is still time.

In your 20s? 30s? How’s that going for you?

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