Don’t you hate it when people know more about you than you’ve told them? What about when someone you know is telling YOUR news? Mamamia reader Kate writes:
“I suffered a miscarriage a little over 2 weeks ago at 14 weeks pregnant. I have read about this topic on Mamamia since my own loss and it has brought sorrow and surprise at the amount of women in this “secret club” and made me feel less like I was on my own. It didn’t entirely help with the pain I was experiencing over my loss but none the less was glad to have the access to other people’s stories.
So today I received a text from a friend who I had not told yet saying she was sorry for my loss. I had another friend who I had told tell her and it has greatly upset me.
I wonder when is it appropriate to tell others of news that isn’t theirs to share good or bad? When you’re pregnant and want to tell people yourself and others feel its ok to do it for you is it right? (as happened to us with my first pregnancy of our now 2 year old daughter, we didnt get to tell lots of people we wanted through others doing it for us).
Is it a specific time frame thing? I am upset that this friend told others when its only been 2 weeks, maybe if it was 2 months ago and she had people asking “hows Kate doing?” and had put off the question before would that have been ok?”
Top Comments
Hi Kate,
This exact thing happened to me. I was 11 weeks pregnant and had a miscarriage. A few days after my D&C a great friend picked up that I was a bit low and offered a listening ear if ever I needed it. I decide to take her up on the offer and over a coffee I told her what had happened - asking could she please keep it to herself as I was struggling to get my head around it all. Plus during that time, quite a few in my group of friends were pregnant with their first babies and I didn't want them to stop sharing their experiences with me because of my miscarriage.
A week after confiding in my friend I received an email from a girl I barely knew telling me how sorry she was to hear about my miscarriage and that if I ever wanted to talk about it I could phone her.
I was shattered. I rang my friend and asked her how this girl found out - and she told me she had told one of her good friends who had obviously told others. I felt betrayed and lonely - mainly because to me it felt like she did not value my friendship enough to keep something so sensitive private - especially when I had asked her to.
The gossip that followed made me feel like a leper - not because people were talking about me - but because they stopped taking "to me" or hearing the news from me. It started to make me feel angry that people knew about my miscarriage but no one actually asked ME about it. Friends assumed that I would be too upset to talk about their pregnancies so they shut me out - I stopped being invited to morning teas and other girlie gatherings. I became so anxious & paraniod during that time.
But you know what - it was a crucial life lesson for me. It made me realise that I now know who my core group of girlfriends are. And they are so precious to me now.
Over the years a few of those girls who gossiped about me have since confided in me about their miscarriages......I have become a stronger person because of the experience.
Kate - it was a terrible thing that happened to you - But it really is a life lesson that you will learn from. As odd as this sounds - my miscarriage (and the 5 since) have been the best thing to happen to me as a person. Those shattering experiences have made me wiser on being a mother, being a woman and being a friend. It has enabled me to help my friends who have gone through similar experiences and to say the right things when required - or just to shut up and listen. It has made me more in tune with other women and other people.
I wish you all the best Kate :-)
I am very sorry that you had to go through this. I really feel for you.
A similar thing happened when my husband became ill.
I needed to take some carers leave when he was getting treatment (once a fortnight) and I had to rescind my work resignation (long story).
My boss wrote to management (and cc'd some other colleagues) and told them that my husband was very ill (and gave them the wrong diagnosis) and that I'd need some time off.
Whilst it was okay that he wrote to one of the managers, I would have prefered that he'd asked me first before "spreading the news," and I asked him in future to ask me first before telling a bunch of people about the diagnosis. It's something extremely private.
I then had to deal with people coming up to me and showing concern (which was okay) but then not believing me when I told them my husband's prognosis was okay/good.
I didn't have the energy to try and convince people that he wasn't going to die. I should not have had to waste energy trying to convince them this. I asked my brother in law to also keep his parents informed of what was going on. I asked him to call his parents a few times and give them updates if we'd spoken. He never did this despite me practically pleading for him to help.
Instead, I'd have my mother in law calling me a few times a day freaking out and not believing me when I told her things (I have outlaw issues), I had a family friend of theirs who works at the hospital constantly poking her nose in and getting angry with me because I was not showing my feelings enough (I was not going to break down in front of her, it's not like there was any support there) and on top of it all, I had to deal with my manager and my colleague constantly telling me that "everything happens for a reason".
*Sigh*
My manager used to regularly ask me how my husband was going. Initially I would confide in him but I eventually stoped as he kept on going on about the "everything happens for a reason" bullshit.
When he would then ask me in future (and now), all I tell him is that he is doing really well. He presses for further information but I don't share anymore.
I've witnessed a really ugly side to human nature. Two other colleagues recently got seriously ill (one with a heartattack, another with kidney issues) and he started telling the whole world despite them asking that it be kept confidential. He then started telling me and other people that "it's very convenient" that they both got sick at the same time and how they planned this (how you plan a heart attack or kidney issues I don't know). He would then gossip about it with people on the phone and get's angry with me when I don't contribute to what he's saying about them to people.
I told him once day that he should respect people's wishes when they say something is confidential. *Sigh*
So to end this reaaaaaaaally long winded post.... I don't tell anyone much these days if it's confidential. It's not easy because sometimes you'd really love to have a friend show concern about what you are going through but on the other hand, I don't like how people just gossip about things that are so hurtful to you.
Sending lots of hugs your way. xo