I started writing my book “How to Survive a Miscarriage – A guide for omen, their partners, friends and families” after I lost my very first child in 2011 to a missed miscarriage.
Here are my top five tips:
1. Pick a ritual.
A miscarriage is a complicated loss. We have lost someone we love so much but have never met. It leaves a special void in our hearts and souls. There are often not many memories to hold on to and to find comfort in. Therefore, it is very important to find a ritual to remember this little life and to create memories. Miscarriage is often not considered a ‘real’ loss, which is highly inappropriate and plain wrong. It is a real loss. So we are more than entitled to pick a ritual to honour our little ones. This can be lighting a candle on their due date, planting a tree or creating a garden or making a scrapbook to reflect your journey and emotions. The one rule to follow is – do what feels right for you.
2. Self care.
After a miscarriage, many women experience a number of conflicting emotions. It is not only the question ‘why me?’ or ‘why my baby?’ that plagues us but also disappointment, anger and maybe even disgust at our own bodies for having failed us. While these thoughts and emotions are normal, it is important to keep them in check. We did nothing wrong. Self care is absolutely crucial after a loss like miscarriage. We have been through a traumatic experience, often unnoticed by the outside world, and we deserve a break. So go and have a spa day, get a massage, buy something nice for yourself. You deserve it. Beating ourselves up over our loss will only take us so far. Instead, to begin the healing journey, we need to focus on ourselves and recognise that we deserve to look after ourselves and do so in a way that suits us.
Top Comments
I've never had a miscarriage, so when friends and family have had them, I've always thought the best policy would be to gently ask how they're going and if they're okay (or no okay), but not push the issue - I figure I'll leave it to them to bring up the subject if they want to.
The thing is - they never do want to talk about it. Is that only because they only want to talk about it with other women who have had a miscarriage? I've experienced other kinds of grief (loss of a parent, divorce) so I would like to think that they know I would approach the topic with sensitivity.
I'm sorry to hear that the author of this article (and book) had bad experiences when mentioning her miscarriage to others. I guess I'm wondering whether the 'silence' around miscarriage - where people don't talk about it - actually comes more from the women who have experienced it, who keep it private and don't bring it up, than a general reluctance for people in society to want to acknowledge it or discuss it?