'Uncharted territory.' The reality of grief as a young widow with a toddler.

On Brooke Bretherton's first date with her future husband, Joel, she knew there was something special about him. He was endearing, creative and often described by friends as 'handsomely awkward'.

After a successful first date, Joel told Brooke there was something she should know.

"We were in the back of a taxi, and he said he had to tell me something. My first thought was 'Oh god you're married'. But instead, he told me he had a brain tumour," Brooke said to Mamamia.

But despite the scary diagnosis, the couple continued seeing each other, and fell in love. 

"When we met in 2013, he had already been dealing with the brain tumour for seven years. He had undergone radiation, and the tumour was stable for quite some time. I decide to step forward with him knowing but also not knowing what I was in for. I chose love," Brooke said.

Watch: 5 things about grief no one really tells you. Post continues below. 

Seven months into their relationship, doctors confirmed that Joel's tumour had once again grown. But despite the chemotherapy, the surgeries and the seizures the tumour caused, Joel and Brooke "got on with it".

In 2018, they married in Byron Bay. A year later, they welcomed a daughter named Peachy. She was everything they'd hoped for. 

But just a few short months later, Joel received the news that his cancer was terminal.

"I took on everything for Joel so he didn't have to feel suffocated. He never wavered from his true self. I had to pull my big girl panties up," Brooke said. 

In July 2020, Joel was put in palliative care, his room overlooking a farm filled with sunflowers. 

"There's this memory that plays in my head all the time. Joel was holding Peachy as she lay on his chest. He was calmly patting her bottom, tears streaming down his face. She tugged at his beard as that is what she did when she wanted to play. It's probably the most beautiful but also the most heartbreaking moment of my life watching that."

The next day, Joel passed away.

"In the grand scheme of things I'm 'lucky' that Peachy won't remember the intensity of that time. The deep sorrow that was felt. The instinct for me to mother her helped me glide through those days," Brooke said. 

"I was afraid if I opened up and allowed myself to feel all the thoughts rattling around upstairs I simply wouldn't survive the pain."

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Brooke Bretherton (@peachysmum)

But Brooke had no time to process her grief. Just months after Joel's passing, Peachy got sick.

By then, 18 months old, Peachy had been experiencing frequent constipation and UTIs, making her unsettled and cranky. Then one day Brooke's mum noticed a firm lump on Peachy's lower back.

Peachy was diagnosed with Ewing's sarcoma near her tailbone. 

Once again, Brooke was forced into auto-pilot. Peachy underwent one year of treatment, including chemo, radiotherapy and three invasive surgeries. 

Fortunately, Brooke made it through. 

Now three, she is six months into remission.

The day she got the all-clear was "pure nirvana", Brooke told Mamamia. 

"There was a huge sensation of feeling lucky. Many don't get that. I hugged Peachy so hard she almost squeaked like a little toy. My amount of kisses to her over the next 24 hours were concerning," Brooke said. 

"I'm so glad I had my parents, my brothers and sisters and a few chosen angels for me during that time. I still feel in a constant state of fight and flight now. I don't think that will ever leave me. Although Peachy is 'cancer free' she still has scans very regularly which is absolutely terrifying but it's needed to ensure the cancer has not returned," Brooke noted.

"In hospital they talk about the 'chemo crash' that happens to any carer or parent or anyone invested in someone's cancer journey who has been deep in the hospital ward trenches."

After two huge traumas, Brooke knows the depths of grief incredibly well. She also knows how precarious things can feel amid the body's trauma response. 

"At times I feel like right now is my crash. It's difficult because I don't have someone that lives with me to bounce ideas off or a partner who is my soundboard. When Peachy was getting treatment, I was surrounded by families that had a mum and a dad there. For us, it was just me in that room," Brooke reflected.

"Now I'm starting to think about things more rationally and be my own soundboard."

Becoming a widow at just 38 has been a lonely journey for Brooke.

"I wish there was more content out there for people in a similar position to me. I hate the word widow as well, it just makes me sound like an old maid from the 1800s," Brooke said.

"I remember when it hit me was soon after I registered Joel's death, I got an email from Centrelink saying: 'You are no longer married. Your status is widow'. Talk about brutal. Now I'm a 'cancer mum', a 'widow', a 'wife', a 'helicopter mum', it just feels like such a weird mix."

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Brooke Bretherton (@peachysmum)

So often for people who have gone through a big trauma, it's left up to them to help those around them feel comfortable around grief. It's an experience Brooke says she knows all too well.

"I can say with absolute certainty that as a society we have a very unhealthy perspective on trauma and grief. It's no one's fault, it's just a conversation we've struggled to have. Maybe we don't feel equipped to 'go there' as in digging deep. For many that's uncharted territory and scary to consider mortality," Brooke said to Mamamia.

"I remember a family friend saying to me: 'I am so sorry about all that's happened. It is so f**king sh*t.' And it was the best thing someone said to me — to be real, honest and empathetic."

It's hard to imagine how Brooke has coped with such immense trauma in her young life. The answer is complicated.

"I am in my grief and at the same time I am comfortable with my grief. I'm not scared of it. How I move through tough times is totally within me. And I want Peachy to feel that light and love from me too," Brooke said.

"I have to say I've hardened and sometimes I lack a bit of empathy for stupid things. Things that would have touched me before or made me emotional don't anymore, probably because of what we've been through. It's a new normal."

Although Joel has passed on, Brooke still feels his energy nearby and tries to keep his memory alive for their daughter.

"Shortly after his death I had a book made full of photos of all of us and it sits by her bed. Every night we say 'goodnight to daddy in the stars'. I may sound like a typical Byron Bay hippy, but I take comfort in believing the veil is thin between the physical and spirit world," Brooke said.  

"These days I feel happy and also a little pissed off. We made it beautiful for our Joel in the end and that is all I can reflect on. I am lucky to have those beautiful memories. I also feel lucky to have my daughter with me, now healthy and smiling. She brings new life to me. I just want to take Peachy to every space in the world her Daddy dreamed to go."

For anyone that is in the depths of grief right now, Brooke wants you to know this. She sees you. The darkness won't last forever. Accept help, even from strangers if you feel lost and overwhelmed. And accept and acknowledge the feelings and the pain. 

"Something that helped me was the analogy of 'no mud, no lotus'. It doesn't work for everyone, but I took comfort in it," she said. "I just want people to know who have gone through or are going through similar that you're loved. Grief is complex, it can feel isolating. But you're never alone."

If you would like to get in touch with Brooke, you can send an email to submissions@mamamia.com.au which Mamamia will then pass on to Brooke.

Feature Image: Supplied/Instagram @peachysmum.