"My sister died but I don't want your pity."

I am not a writer, not a psychologist and am certainly no life coach but when it comes to being a coper, unfortunately I have recently become an expert.

Twelve months ago my 42-year-old sister fell off a roof at her home in South East Queensland and despite the best efforts of paramedics and doctors, she didn’t survive her injuries and left behind a husband and two daughters, aged six and four. Life doesn’t prepare you for receiving “that” phone call that there has been an accident, for having to call your parents to tell them there has been an accident and for then having to fly with your parents not knowing what the news will be when you land. It certainly doesn’t prepare you for having to tell your nieces that their mother is dead and then to have to take them into ICU to say goodbye to their mother and then spend time with your deceased sister, grieving parents and young nieces and make special memories with my sister’s hand prints and footprints. Life certainly didn’t prepare me for how to be a daughter to grieving parents.

It was once we left the hospital and got back to a hotel in a strange city, in the middle of the night when the world was asleep and I was wide awake with no one to talk to, just my own thoughts that I realised that this experience could take me to a deep, dark place. I could choose then and there to fall apart or I could heed the lesson of my sister and realise that life is too short and fragile.

"I realised that this experience could take me to a deep, dark place." Image via iStock. 

As my mind was hurtling through that dark tunnel, all I could picture were my three beautiful children, my amazing husband and precious dog. I chose them then and there, and knew I owed it to them to lift myself up and make the most of what I have and embrace life for all that it throws at you. I owed it to them, my parents, my nieces and myself to be strong. I always knew I was strong but I suppose you don't know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Not only did I lose my sister, but a few months later I also lost my husband's grandmother who was a very big part of my life. Then almost twelve months to the day of my sister's accident, my father who was a strong, independent, highly capable man (well except for all domestic chores) suffered a massive hemorrhagic stroke. Life was certainly throwing punches and I was not going down without a fight. So instead of looking at how much I had lost, I looked at how lucky I am. My father survived, he had his mind, he could communicate and with the right rehabilitation he has made an incredible recovery in three months.

Shortly after my sister died, Sheryl Sandberg's husband passed away and all of a sudden the language people used around me changed. People were more aware of not asking how are you, rather how are you today?

Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and writer of "Lean In", lost her husband last year. Image via Getty. 

It was incredible the impact that article had as grief makes people so uncomfortable as no one knows what to say. Everyone knows it is stupid to ask someone grieving how they are, but now, people could reframe the question.

Another piece of advice I can share is from my beautiful friend who has also suffered loss. She warned me early on to watch out for the pity face. And boy have I seen my fair share of pity faces. Don't get me wrong, I know it comes from a good place, but I can tell you from experience there is nothing more patronising and dispiriting than the pity face and the pity voice. Every time I see it or hear it, it makes me so much more determined to put a smile on my face. I want to scream to people, just be normal around me, don't show me pity, show me compassion and empathy through having a normal conversation with me.

Mia Freedman talks about feeling lost after having a miscarriage. Post continues below. 

Another reaction that also fills up my glass very quickly, is when people keep telling me how bad things are for me. I promptly remind them that yes, things have been difficult, but amongst all the negative, there has been so much positive. In amongst the hardships and loss I have experienced, I have also been on great holidays with my family, had lots of laughs with friends, celebrated a big milestone for myself and my daughter and had many cuddles from my nieces and nephews and of course my dog!

My journey over the last eighteen months has taught me a lot about life and about myself. I am definitely not that same person that I was before but I am okay with that as I like the new version of me. I don't sweat the small stuff and as cliched as that sounds, I really can't and don't care about all those little issues that are annoying but in the big picture, not important.

I have become a huge advocate for yoga. Yoga has been the best therapy for me as it has allowed me an hour on a mat, with no one to talk to, no phone, and it has taught me to turn off the noise in my head and clear my mind of all thoughts and the only place my mind needs to be is on the mat in the here and now. It is an incredible coping mechanism and skill to have. I am also more aware of those around me who are going through hard times.

"I have become a huge advocate for yoga." Image via iStock. 

I have seen firsthand how people were amazing immediately after the 'dramas' and would call, cook meals and offer to help with my kids but very soon after life goes on and people move on. That is normal and to be expected but what I realised it is not only in the aftermath of a tragedy that the support is needed, it is often three or six months later when reality sets in that the offers to make meals and help with kids are most needed.

So next time you have a friend going through a hard time, remember they might just want to have a normal conversation and not have to endure the pity face and awkward conversation. They may be desperate for an offer of a cooked meal or some help with their kids. I can tell you they don't need to be reminded how hard things are for them, they are well aware. Help them fill their cup so it can be half full, rather than half empty.

So is my positive glass half full approach the easy route? No. Do I sometimes feel like I should have a day to feel sorry for myself? Yes (but I never let it happen). I have faced that slippery slope and I never want to go down that dark path of depression. I figure it is easier accepting and making the most out of my situation, than picking myself up at the end of the black hole. One quote (and believe me there have been many), that has resonated me is "the happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the best out of everything that comes there way".