My husband *Mark had always fantasised about a threesome. It wasn't a red flag to me, threesome porn had always turned me on too. I mean, we all have our fantasies, right?
Over the years we'd talked about it a fair bit in the bedroom, where all sorts of crazy ideas always seemed way more exciting than in the cold light of day.
When it came to actioning it, neither of us really had to guts to go through with it. I mean, how do you even find a person and ask them if they're keen?
We watched a show about swingers and knew that's not what we were into, but over and over again our dirty talk in the bedroom involved what we'd do if we ever brought in a third.
Mark's birthday coincides with our wedding anniversary, and when we were approaching the 10-year mark, the idea of turning his fantasy into a reality began to take hold and I looked into how to make it happen.
I downloaded an app, went through what felt like a thousand profiles, and found someone who seemed perfect for us both. I was nervous as hell but tried to tell myself the butterflies were a good thing.
We left our kids with my mum, checked into a hotel about an hour from home with less chance of running into someone we knew, and made our way to a local bar.
I had arranged for our new friend, *Dani to meet us there, and after a few drinks and a lot of flirting, I saw the realisation dawn on my husband's face that tonight was the night!
Watch: MM Confessions: The weirdest place I've had sex. Post continues after video.
"Happy birthday babe, I hope you like this present," I whispered as Dani ran her hand down his thigh.
And oh, he did. He was over the moon, giddy even. Watching him enjoy something he'd dreamed of was a special kind of thrill for me, too, but then… well, there's the part people don't tell you about, the part where the fantasy fades, and reality is standing there, ready to smack you upside the head.
Truth is, the whole experience made me feel vulnerable in a way I wasn't ready for. I couldn't shake this weird sense of insecurity, one I hadn't anticipated. For the first time in years, I started questioning my body, the way I moved, whether he'd noticed all those little imperfections I obsess over. I mean, logically, I knew he loved me, but there was this sneaky little voice, pointing out everything that felt, I don't know, less than perfect about me.
It didn't help that Dani was a total fox and very skilled in the bedroom.
There were moments that I got caught up in the good time, too, but the insecurity lingered, nagging at me. I shoved it down, buried it. One-time thing, just one special night, I told myself. Mark didn't need to know how I felt. He was on cloud nine, and I loved him enough to let him have that.
For a few days I was awkward as hell around my husband. He was grinning like the Cheshire Cat, but I was wondering if I had killed something in us.
In the weeks that followed, Mark was talking about it all the time. Like, it was an idea that somehow, in his mind, had graduated from a birthday surprise to becoming a regular feature. That wasn't something I was keen on. I had done the 'just push through it' thing once, and I didn't want it to become a staple of our life.
Eventually, I couldn't hold it in. I told him, not angrily but just honestly, that the constant talk about threesomes was overwhelming. It made me feel like one surprise had opened a door that just wouldn't close.
I told him if he'd cool it with the threesome talk, I'd think about surprising him again sometime. He took that seriously, and to his credit, he respected what I asked for. No more jokes, no more hints.
"Babe, I'm so happy for this to be all on your terms, if it ever happens again, I'll be a lucky man!"
I felt like we'd found a balance. But of course, the next birthday/anniversary came around, and I felt like the best way to show him I cared, to keep that special spark alive, was to go for it again. So, I did. This time, selfishly, with someone I deemed less physically attractive than me.
Again, I was a willing participant, obviously, but too in my head to really enjoy it. He, on the other hand, was thrilled.
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The following year, and the year after that, the same thought process kicked in. It was as if I'd set myself an annual tradition I hadn't planned for.
Now, here I am, another year gone by, staring down the barrel of another birthday and this year I'm dreading it. I've built this expectation, one I can't seem to get out from under, and I hate the way it feels. It's like I'm acting a role I don't even want to play. I find myself wondering: why am I doing this? Who am I trying to please here? If I'm honest with myself, the answer isn't as simple as I want it to be. I thought I could separate my own insecurities, tuck them away. I thought if it was 'just for him' then my own feelings didn't matter as much. But turns out, they do.
He has never intentionally put any pressure on me, but I know he freaking loves it and it kills me to think I could take that away from him. I also know, if he truly knew how it made me feel he would be disgusted with himself for putting me through it and I don't want to put that on him.I have made this mess myself! So now I'm stuck. Every time I try to talk myself into one more time, there's this little voice that keeps saying, What if you just don't?
It's a voice I might need to learn to listen to because maybe, just maybe, I deserve a little honesty with myself. I've come to realise that if I'm not genuinely excited about it, then what's the point? If the thing I'm doing to keep our spark alive is dimming my own light, maybe it's time for a new plan.
Looking back, I'm not sure what the answer is. I do love surprising him, and making him feel like he's got the best partner in the world does give me an ego boost. But I also know that real intimacy doesn't come from stretching myself thin just to keep his fantasy alive.
Maybe this year, instead of a surprise that feels like a sacrifice, I'll find a way to give him something that feels real - and maybe that starts with a conversation we've been putting off.
I guess, if I've learned anything from this whole kinky adventure, it's that surprises are wonderful, but so is realising when you need to draw a line and honour what you need, too.
Feature Image: Getty.
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