Getting to third base is WAY different for adults

by “MONTY” DIMOND

When it comes to the boudoir I’ll admit, I’m pretty ‘straighty one eighty’. I’d like to say that I transform into some wild sex contortionist in the sack, but that would be a lie. I just assumed all my friends were kind of tame in this department too. The other night at a dinner with the girls, I found out how wrong I was when one of my friends detailed her very explicit bedroom activities. Now I used to read ‘Dolly Doctor’, and often listened to Dr Feelgood on the radio when I was 12, so I’m not completely naive. However, I had no clue half the gadgets and gizmos she experiments with even existed. I sat there mesmerised as she talked about her sex life. Her stories were intense, intoxicatingly entertaining, and borderline dangerous. She hadn’t always been this advanced when it comes to her lovemaking but over the years her boundaries had slowly begun to shift, one trip to Sexpo at a time.

These raunchy tales made me think about how in high school sexual experimentation was neatly categorised into ‘bases’.   At my school, first base was a kiss, second base was a boob touch, third base was a little action ‘below the belt’, and then there was the pretty self-explanatory ‘home run’.

At school I spent quite some time sitting on the bench desperately wanting to make it to first base.  It’s fair to say I was a kinda ‘frigid’ as the thought of kissing a boy made me feel sick with nerves. Fast-forward to grown up land and it seems we are playing a whole different ball game now.  To help simplify things, my friends and I decided to develop a new set of bases for adults.  This way we can all know exactly where we are positioned on the sexual pitch.  So here they are for you to enjoy, compare, and aspire to… the Adult Sex Bases:

1. First Base
First base kicks off where the high school home run ended. It’s the entry to the game, a straight forward ‘bow chicka wow wow’ between two people. Most people sit happily (or bored out of their minds) here forever. It’s nice and comfy, nothing too wild or adventurous, but good times can still be had. This is the base where you would most likely find the cast of 7th Heaven hanging out.

2. Second Base
If simple fornicating is no longer rocking your socks off, second base might be more your style. This base has many options for those who are looking to spice things up a little. Specifically, things that buzz, role-playing, dress ups, viewing porn together, making porn together, phone sex, and horizontal dancing in adventurous locations all live here. There is plenty to be explored on second base and most desires requiring a little more adventure will be satisfied quite adequately. However, when life becomes mundane on second it’s time to make a sprint for third.

3. Third Base
Welcome to the base where three ain’t a crowd, it’s a party. An extra set of legs, arms and ‘bits’ are invited along for the ride. In hetero land this most commonly consists of one lucky gent and two females. Third base is only for those who are very good at multi tasking. New players beware, a ‘ménage a trois’ might seem like a fabulous idea after a few beverages, but once the drunken haze wares off you may find yourself laying naked in awkward town.

4. Home Run
Only the very brave and extremely sexually adventurous make a home run. People who partner swap, swing and indulge in fetishes (did you know armpit sex is a real thing?) party here. I both admire these people and am equally petrified of them. If the gossip amongst my friendship group is anything to go on, you can never tell the people making their way to home base.  The local kindergarten teacher might have a bigger whip collection than an equestrian club.  Your boss could have an appetite for foursomes or moresomes. Who knows?

So there you have it; The bases of adult sexuality.  Next time you are at dinner party with your friends, I invite you to indulge in a little baseball chat. You may wish to add to, or change some of the bases depending on how adventurous you are.  Game on!

Katie “Monty” Dimond is a broadcaster and media personality. She has appeared on Channel Ten, Channel Nine, and Nova FM. She is currently busy being a full time Mum and loving it! You can (and should) follow her on Twitter here. You should also like her Facebook page which you can find here.