According to a recent survey, we take an average of one month to recover for every year the relationship lasted.
One in 12 of us never get over our past lovers – but research also suggests there are five factors that keep us stuck in the past.
Identify yours and say goodbye to the lover that’s long-gone but refuses to leave your heart and head.
1. The sex was amazing.
If you’re still fantasising about an old lover months or years on (come on – no-one’s that good!), try the following.
Solve it:
Write down – specifically – why the sex was so great with them. What you did, where you did it, why it felt sensational. It’ll lean heavier on one of two sides: the physical act was irrelevant and it was the person that turned you on or you did things with them you haven’t done with others.
How can you recreate it? If it was the person, think about the circumstances of your life at the time. You can’t compare dating John in humdrum, daily life to sex with Jake on holiday in Bali. Put Jake in your real life and sex would seem just as mundane.
Convinced it was a case of chemistry? If it’s that important to you, wait until the sparks fly before settling down with someone else. But if you’re pining over what you did during sex, what’s stopping you doing it with your new partner? Being ‘faithful’ to the sexual memory of the two of you, could be what’s keeping you stuck.
2. The relationship drifted apart for no apparent reason.
If you’re not quite sure what caused the break-up, you can’t help but keep dwelling on it. Apart from not being able to learn from your mistakes, curiosity alone can drive you crazy.
Solve it:
Contact your ex. Explain you’re having trouble moving on because you don’t have a clue why you split. Ask them to tell you, straight out, without sparing your feelings, what it was that caused them to leave. Take it on the chin, analyse it for a week, then drop it.
If you can’t contact them, ask a friend to be brutal: Say you want their take on what happened without sparing your feelings. If they won’t or can’t help you, go to a therapist for help to make sense of it all.
3. The break-up was your fault and could have been prevented.
The relationship was going wonderfully well and you had a one-night stand and got caught. Or the timing was wrong for you. You can’t stop thinking, If only I’d done this or that.
Solve it:
Give it a second go, if you can. If you honestly think it could work if you changed your behaviour, call your ex and ask for another chance. Explain the reason why it didn’t work last time for you and your reasons for thinking it might now.
If you cheated, chances are they’ll hang up in your ear. If it was something forgivable, they still might hang up in your ear (their new lover is listening).
Or they’ll agree to try again. Whatever happens, you’ll get rid of that ‘if only I tried harder’ feeling.
4. Reminders are everywhere.
You’re still living in the house you bought together. They’re still best friends with your best friends and you run into them constantly. Even worse, you work together.
Solve it:
Take drastic measures. Remove any reminders you can. If it seriously is ruining your life, it’s worth changing jobs, selling the house, even changing cities if you have to. Drastic but necessary if it finally gets you over them and into a fresh, new life.
5. You can’t stop spying on them.
You know it’s ridiculous but you find yourself parked outside their flat, watching the window. You walk three miles at lunch time to watch them eat a sandwich in the park. Every time you see them, the pain hits you again.
Solve it:
Keep a diary. Write in it before you’re tempted to play Sherlock and - if you can’t resist - when you get back again.
One of three things will have happened: a) you’ve seen something that’s upset you (that is, they’ve found someone else); b) they caught you and you feel like a complete idiot; or c) nothing happened and you just feel empty and lonely.
Record all these feelings and when you’re tempted again, use the old smoker’s trick of putting it off for five minutes. Spend that five minutes reading about how awful you felt after the last episode.