'It's okay to grieve.' What I wish I could have read, the day I found out I was having a boy.

Listen to this story being read by Isabella Ross, here.

"Do you want me to tell you the sex?"

I remember exactly where I was when I got the phone call with my NIPT (non-invasive prenatal testing) results. I remember lying flat on my old couch, nauseated and exhausted, with the scent of grass cuttings from the gardening work on the nature strip wafting up through my window. 

I remember all of it, because it was the moment before I was hit with such a disarming surge of negative emotion, I still startle when I think of the shock. 

Not at the news I was having a boy, but at my outsized reaction to it.

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Have you ever been so completely blindsided by your own emotions that you almost step outside of yourself, take a look at the hysterical mess in front of you and think, "Geez, she’s a bit much, isn’t she?"

That was where I was nearly two years ago today. And if I ever find myself with access to a time-portal, I would use it to travel back and tell my poor pregnant self not to worry her nauseous little head about it.

Non-invasive genetic testing is an absolute medical miracle of our time. The simple blood test is offered to pregnant women in their first trimester to detect any chromosomal abnormalities and to determine the biological sex of the foetus. It replaces the need for much higher risk, invasive procedures to detect foetal abnormalities and gives women with access to it, peace of mind early on in their pregnancies. It also boasts 100 per cent accuracy when determining the biological sex of the foetus. 

Like most women, I was most anxious about whether I’d hear an all-clear when it came to the potential for genetic disorders, and I thought that was all I was worrying about. So, when I got the good news, and the medical receptionist asked if I wanted to hear the baby’s sex over the phone, I said, "Sure!"

"Are you certain you don’t want to save it for another time or do a gender reveal?" she asked me. 

"Nope! Fire away," I said, still relieved at the news of a healthy foetus.

But when she told me I was having a boy, my stomach did a funny little drop. The walls of my throat seemed to thicken, and I had to get off that phone call, like – now!

When I hung up, sobs rushed out of me as I scrambled to work out what the hell was going on. Hormones? I thought. Maybe, but it was pretty intense, even for that.

The worst part was, after the initial shock had passed, I continued to lament the fact that my baby was biologically male. It made no sense to worry as much as I did but I’ll tell you with complete honesty; it was all-consuming at the time, and it was still on my mind the day before I gave birth.

It’s okay to grieve the loss of something you dreamed of having.

I grew up with a big sister whom I idolised, and as adults, we are still inseparable. I also have a very close relationship with my mum, and I suspect, deep in my subconscious, I’d created a fantasy that I would build the same deep bonds with my own daughter.

It’s obviously not logical to place a fantasy world that never existed in higher standing than your reality, but it’s completely natural. Don’t push your feelings of disappointment down and pretend you’re not bothered by it. 

I was honest with those around me I’d wished for a girl and felt sad that it would not be, and I was met with compassion and honesty from so many women who had felt exactly the same way.

When people said "it won’t matter once you meet him" I didn’t believe them. But I hope you can believe me when I tell you they were dead right. 

Now that I have my beautiful little boy, my initial gender disappointment feels like a blip. A small moment in time, lost deep in the rubble of so many more important moments since. But at the time, it was all-consuming, and it deeply troubled me.

What if I always feel this way? What if I don’t love him because he’s not what I wished for? How unfair. What a horrible mother I’m turning out to be.

I wish I could shake those self-destructive thoughts from my mind and given myself a big ol' hug and say, "You’re doing just fine." I know it’s hard to see through it when you’re still stuck inside the big feelings, but I can tell you that as soon as I met my tiny little angel, he was nothing short of exactly who I wanted him to be, and still is and then some, nearly 18 months on. 

At the time, I couldn’t believe I would ever feel any other way about it. But I can say now with full confidence that the feelings don’t hang about once you’ve met your child. Like a painful party guest who’s overstayed their welcome, they’ll just slip out the back door with some of your good dinnerware in their bag.

You might still have small flashes of disappointment, but they don’t last.

I do sometimes still feel a pang of jealousy when friends reveal that they’re having a girl. It’s weird. I don’t wish that my little one was a girl. I want him to be exactly what and who he is. He is perfect. I no longer dream about having a girl as my second child either, I would be just as happy having a second boy, since I’m so deeply in love with my first. 

But for some reason, when people announce they’re having a girl, it pulls me ever so briefly back in time to moment to sobbing on the couch, as the freshly cut grass smell announced the start of spring.

Parenthood has a knack for revealing the most beautiful parts of us, but it also shows us where we’re most lacking. Feelings like regret, disappointment or longing don’t make you a bad mother, they make you a human mother. And while our emotions may not always be logical, they are powerful. Even their memory can have real staying power. 

Try to remember that it’s okay to invite them in, even when they’re the unpleasant kind. They won’t stay around for long, I promise.

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