Brutally honest. Not very accurate. Mamamia Horoscopes.

We probably could have hired a professional to bring you Mamamia Horoscopes, but we assumed they were all too busy winning the lottery and helping policemen almost solve crimes.

So, you’re stuck with me.

Last night, I spent the evening knee-deep in star charts, connecting with the universe.

I understood none of it.

I am merely the vessel.

Here you go:

Aries March 21 – April 20

The rising moon on the tipped axis of Uranus says you were once born, and at some point in the next few days or weeks you will meet someone else who was once born. You will exchange words that may or may not be interesting. Also – Uranus. Ha.

Taurus April 21 – May 21

You will find your soulmate this week. Look to your left. You will be passionately kissing that person by the end of the year. If there’s nobody sitting there…Well, sucks to be you I guess. #sadface

Gemini May 22 – June 21

Geminis are known for their incredible wit, astounding intelligence and breathtaking beauty. Just keep being awesome, Hot Stuff.

Cancer June 22 – July 23

You are very astute. You figured out that I’m a Gemini. Unfortunately, those detective skills will fail you this week when – actually, you figure it out Sherlock. Stop being so cocky.

Leo July 24 – Aug 23

Remember how that movie Inception ended really ambiguously and the director was all “I want you to decide if the thingy stops spinning” and we were all “um no you’re the director it’s your job to make a decision”? I totally get why Christopher Nolan did that now. It takes away heaps of the work and makes you seem really insightful. Watch, I’m going to do it now to Virgo…
 

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23

Your week will be determined by how you interpret this spinning top. There’s no right or wrong answer. Don’t get it wrong.

Libra Sept 24 – Oct 23

This week, the stars indicate that you need to stop being so jealous all the time. Don’t deny it – I know you’re peeved about that inside joke me and Leo just had about Virgo. Oh and by the way, I forgot to give Leo a prediction. Just tell them that they’ll have to make a big decision this week or some crap. Thanks man.
 

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22

The equilibrium of Saturn’s seventh moon alignment with Pluto puts the sun in your water axis this week. That could go either way, so try not to do too much speaking or walking or living.
 

Sagittarius Nov 23 – Dec 22

This week, everything will become just as clear as it is unclear. Because when a blind man holds the key to life’s acorn tree, purple monkey dishwasher.
 

 Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20

It’s imperative that you spend the next 7 days learning everything there is to know about the migration habits of the North African YellowStone Frog. It has to do with you winning a lot of money, so just do it.
 

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19

Things get adventurous this week. You know how you always want to order that other dish at Thai but then you’re like “what if I don’t like it and then I’ve wasted all this money when I could have just ordered Pad Thai which I already know that I like”? Well this week Aquarius, you take the plunge. Also, get a more interesting life. That is grim.
 

Pisces Feb 20 – March 20

You will encounter frustration this week when you come across a Capricorn trying to research an animal that I made up. Just remember: snitches get stitches.

Now, I know it’s ‘bad luck’ to read old horoscopes, but I am the vessel and I say it’s ok, because my ones are funny. So click here to see more starry wisdom.

Like Mamamia Rogue on Facebook

Rogue is Mamamia’s space for fun, viral and random content, with everything from feminism to pop culture. We scour the internet so you don’t have to, and bring all the best bits back.