Opinion: "A PIE SHOULD NEVER BE COLD. Mince pies are 100% the most disgusting Christmas food."

How good do mince pies look?

Crumbly, flakey pastry, an oozy delicious looking filling and a light sprinkling of sugar.

Never has the saying ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ been more true.

BECAUSE THIS BOOK LOOKS GODDAMN DELICIOUS….EXCEPT….it’s not.

It’s not.

It’s the worst.

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Mince pies are the worst, and every Christmas I get sucked in by the gloriously decorated book.

I would go as far as to say that a mince pie is a waste of pastry. Pastry is a glorious invention and it’s offensive to then fill perfection with a weird cold fruity mixture.

Even the ingredient list is deceptive: apples, lemon, cinnamon, dried fruit, spices, brandy, sugar. I mean I like all of those things, so why the hell does the end result taste like trash?

Fruit doesn’t deserve this. What did fruit ever do to deserve being mixed together in this way?

Every year I forget how disappointing a mince pie is, and I get sucked in by the execution.

They’re among the first Christmas themed things to appear in the supermarket, and I think I get caught up in the excitement.

I also forget that a fruit mince pie is more often than not served cold.

Um. Sorry.

A PIE SHOULD NEVER BE COLD.

I think I also get sucked in by the descriptor of “mince” because a traditional actual meat pie is bloody great. But why are we calling mushy fruit…mince?

Just no.

Over the years I’ve been known to try and drizzle an extra serve (or five) of icing sugar on top to help mask the weird flavour. I really don’t understand why I keep going back in and trying to force feed myself this disaster of a food. I just want to be a part of the Christmas-ness of it okay.

Even this year I thought to myself: ‘Hmm, maybe it’ll be different this year?’

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NO. IT WON’T BE BETTER. BACK AWAY FROM THE COLD FAILURE OF A PIE.

Next year when my brain inevitably snaps once again, and I start throwing wild statements around the office like: “maybe my palate has matured, you know?” somebody please slap me.

Fruit mince pies are the absolute pits, and are deserving of one place: the bin.

Do you agree that fruit mince pies are the very worst Christmas food? Let us know in the comments below.