Watching a dear buddy fade away before your eyes is one of the more distressing experiences a person can have. Not knowing how to help someone who clearly needs you, it’s debilitating.
This darling girlfriend of mine – one of my closest soul buddies – was really struggling about a year ago. She wasn’t eating properly, she was sleep-deprived and she was perpetually busy. She was truly zombie-like, wandering around her own life as if it were someone else’s.
Just as an FYI, you should know that this post is sponsored by mindhealthconnect. But all opinions expressed by the author are 100 per cent authentic and written in their own words.
But she had this eerie superpower and that was the power to make people believe she was completely fine when she wanted them to. She had this impenetrable professional armour that she wore to work every day, like nothing could touch her and everything was just dandy. So, for a really long time, anyone who came into contact with her professionally just thought she was breezy, strong and totally together.
She could juggle the many conflicting aspects of her life so deftly; other women would look to her for advice on how to get their lives together. She was untouchable, which is why it was so damn hard to broach the subject of how unsustainable her life was.
Even around acquaintances, she was vibrant and excitable and sweet. In front of certain friends, it was like she couldn’t help but project this sparkly, perfect persona. Maybe I have a superpower too, and it’s seeing through all her put-on sparkle. Or, you know, maybe I became mildly obsessed with monitoring her moods and checking how much she was eating, sleeping and looking after herself.
It wasn’t really until she stayed with me for a couple of weeks that I truly began to see chinks in her armour. I noticed that she would leave the house with no breakfast, go to the gym at dinner time and sleep for a maximum of four hours a night. She would pace the living room wringing her hands rather than sit in front of the TV and zone out like I did. She was constantly checking her mobile, not letting it out of her hands or her sight for a minute.
I knew it had to be anxiety, or depression, or extreme stress. I knew that if she continued living her life the way she was – strung out, breathless and lying to her inner sanctum of friends so we wouldn’t intervene – that she would end up having some sort of breakdown. I just knew it. What I didn’t know… was how to bring it up, or how to behave around her. Because ultimately I knew this whole act – the smooth, happy juggling act – was a coping mechanism. I didn’t want to be the one to distract her with confronting questions and cause her to drop all the balls she had in the air. That just didn’t seem fair.
So I started to worry, incessantly. Do I gather her friends and her parents and her siblings into a room and have an intervention? Do I slip the business card of a psychiatrist into her wallet surreptitiously? The only option I couldn’t entertain was letting her go on like she was. So I staged what you might call a mini intervention. I took her out to brunch at our favourite place, ordered two coffees and gently coaxed her into eating something, and said those daunting but powerfully important words: “I’m worried about you.”
It was scary, confronting her like that over scrambled eggs and lattes but it was on our turf and in a non-threatening, delightful setting. She was more receptive than I’d expected too. She knew her life was unsustainable, she knew she was living on the adrenalin of being permanently anxious. I think she just needed someone else to say those words out loud for it to seem important.
The whole experience taught me one of the most important lessons of my life. When you think someone is suffering with a mental illness, speak up. Helping someone you love confront their own issues is too important. Don’t put it off because you feel awkward; book in an “I’m worried about you” brunch date.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to live with a mental health issue, this cartoon is a great example:
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Top Comments
I think when I was struggling I was angry and hard to be around. Some of my close friends just walked away. They had known me for a long time and knew that I wasn't always like that. No one ever said anything directly to me, just to each other behind my back.
It has taken a long time to move past feeling like I must have been a really bad person to lose so many people that I loved...
Now, my pet hate is the motivational slogans that say things like "remove people from your life that don't bring you joy...."
Bullshit. A friend sticks around when the going get's tough and knows that life isn't all rainbows and butterflies.
My friends that are still around are strong and loyal.
You are a good friend Kate.
What about a friend who you think may have schizophrenia who is having delusions & has absolutely no insight that what she is talking about it not real? I talked to her parents but feel that they are in some sort of denial - they basically didn't want to talk to me. No-one ever tells you how to deal with that one :(
Luella, there is help out there for you and your friend. You need to contact the mental health unit at your local hospital, or even your GP, for advice. They can help you and your friend, I promise you. It seems like there's no help, but truly there is. Thank you for caring enough about your friend to want to help.
The system doesn't kick in until someone is a danger to themselves or another person, so sadly there isn't much help.