They are something that 44 per cent of women have, but only 19 per cent of men admit to. I’m talking about regrets. Specifically, relationship regrets. Whether you let a good one get away, stayed in a bad one for too long or hurt someone you loved, a US study has revealed many of us are having trouble letting go when it comes to our love lives.
It’s probably no coincidence then that Adele’s “Someone Like You” has been on the top of the Australian charts for over 16 weeks. The soulful and melancholic lyrics refer to the artist revisiting an old love, only to find he’s moved on. One verse in particular sends shivers down my spine every single time I listen to it:
“Never mind, I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don’t forget me, I beg, I remember you said: ‘Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”
So, why do we dwell over our old relationships? One of the authors of the study, Neal Roese believes the reason it is because we take on more personal responsibility in them.
“It speaks to something psychologists have known for a long time. Women are typically charged with the role of maintaining and preserving relationships, so when things do go wrong, it’s very spontaneous for women to think, ‘I should have done it some other way,'” he said.
I really only have one relationship regret, I stayed in a two-year relationship, two years longer than I should have. It was a long time ago and looking back it taught me a lot, for one I probably wouldn’t have realised how great my now husband was. I think you have to go out with a few duds to know when a really good one comes along.
Roese says that regrets can be bittersweet and painful but it’s near impossible to live a life without any.
“Regret is an essential part of the human experience. You should listen to the lessons your regrets tell you, which is quite often how you could have done things differently or how you could change things,”
Do you still think about the one that got away? Or is there a relationship you wish you’d never had?
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Not exactly on topic but along the same lines. My uncle has been with his wife for about 15 years. They have the sort of relationship where they are the best of friends as well as still very much in love. I was talking to him once about finding the right person for you and how he seemed to be such a great husband.
He told me about the three serious relationships he had before her (one a marriage), about how all three women were completely different, but all three ended so horribly, were so toxic, all ending with them breaking his heart in the most cruel ways. He said eventually he was wondering how he always managed to attract the "crazy bitches" who seem perfect at the start and end up proving to be horrible. All three women were so different.
Then he realised the one thing they had in common: him. After that he decided to look at little closer at his own behaviour, see what he was bringing to the relationships. Maybe he wasn't completely innocent in the relationships?
Through looking into all of this he became the partner he is today for my aunt. Now he says going through those other three relationships was completely worth it because otherwise he wouldn't know what he really wanted in his life partner. But more importantly, if it weren't for what he learned from those other three, he wouldn't have learned how to be a good partner himself.
I know it sounds cliche but regrets are what makes us appreciate what we have.
I recently ended a three and half year relationship that like many others have said, in hindsight, I view as something I should never have gotten into. In the post break up period of finding somewhere new to live, treading lightly around communal friends' events and generally getting my own life back, I was plagued with regrets. I felt as though I had wasted my mid twenties in a dead end relationship and had missed out on many opportunites.
A few months down the track, I feel I am a little more realistic. The long list of things that I 'could have done instead' in that time has now become my to-do list. Realisitically, it was not my partner who stopped me from doing those things, but my own self doubt. In reality, boyfriend or not I still would have been insecure and these things would probably still remain undone irrespective of my situation.
It is so easy to get caught up in the past of how things should have been, it is much more important to push past it and live for the now. Who knows what regrets you might have in years to come for spending time pondering your regrets of lost love.