'Hi, my name is Emily Vernem. I'm 25 and I'm looking for a best friend. Please apply.'

This article was originally published in The Lonely Girls Guide newsletter. You can subscribe, right here. 

Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang.

Leslie Knope and Ann Perkins.

Alexa and Katie (yes I watched the entire series, don't judge me).

Cher and Dionne.

I, and I'm sure you as well, grew up believing in the value of having a best friend. A singular person who knows everything about your life, who talks to you every day, who knows all your secrets and who is your life partner.

Watch: Best Friends: Translated.

I do have to say that I'm very grateful for having extremely close friends who in certain ways are the best. I've broken them down into distinct categories:

The Cousin Besties

Grew up together, connected by blood, understands the intersection between culture, family, heritage, relationships, work and lifestyle like no one else. 

You probably wouldn't be friends if you weren't related which just makes the links in this friendship unbreakable. (I also have a feeling that the cousin besties might just be an Indian thing, so if you can’t relate, I’m sorry). 

The Sibling Besties

They just.. get it. You know what I mean.

The Circumstantial Besties

Came into your life through school or work or during that one university subject where neither of you had any idea what was going on, and they're here to stay. 

You couldn't live life without them and they shaped you into the person you are today. The Circumstantial Bestie is also a collector's item; you'll pick up a few more along the way depending on your direction in life. 

Very valuable and priceless.

Listen to Emily (that's me!) talk about her search for a best friend on The Undone. Post continues below. 

However, although I have all these amazing people in my life, I am an extremely selfish and egotistical person. 

I want a best friend. Just one person that fits into every category of my life. As I've grown older, this task has been pulled further and further away from reality, as my life and personality shifts and changes in different directions. 

The concept of having a best friend seems to be less possible every day. So why do so many people have one? Talking about this concept to a few people I realised that when someone refers to their 'best friend' they really mean 'one of their best friends'. 

They have multiple 'best friends'.

This is wrong and it is confusing and now I'm annoyed.

Not everyone can be the best.

You get one best.

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A post shared by Emily Vernem (@emilyvernem)

In order to sort this messy situation out, I suggest you get all your "best friends" together and make them fight. The one who wins is LITERALLY the best, therefore becoming your one and only best friend. 

The others will then take on the label as "good enough friends". They tried their hardest, which should be counted for something.

When I suggested to a few of my “good enough” friends that they should compete to be my best friend, they very kindly told me to go f**k myself and to also stop referring to them as "good enough". 

Makes sense, and I apologise.

So, I decided to open up the floor to everyone else. I'm looking for a best friend and I think you should apply.

To make things easier, I made a form, where you just have to answer a few questions to move the process along. 

I wish I could also do this with my dating life but I'm scared that I'll be reported.

Unfortunately, friendship is a two-way stream so I took the liberty of filling in the form myself so you know what you're working with:

Emily Vernem's best friend form.   

You can fill in the form here. (But remember the rule if you succeed: You have to be my best friend and I have to be yours.)

I’m well aware that no one asked for this, and I am also aware that no one has given me any indication that they want to be my best friend so if anyone chooses to apply to this absurd request, thank you. 

I appreciate you.

If you're not looking for a best friend, just someone to talk to, I also appreciate you. 

Feel free to still DM me and we can have a little chat.

If you have plenty of good enough best friends, make sure you give them a call or a little check-in and let them know how much you appreciate them. 

They feel the exact same way.

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