What to do (and not do) when your friend is being financially abused.

I don't know how much money most of my friends earn, what their bank accounts look like or how they choose to manage their household spending. 

Discussing finances, even among friends, often remains taboo. Unless it's specifically brought up by someone as a topic of curiosity, it's not something you would regularly discuss with a mate during a coffee catchup. 

But that's why financial abuse can remain a hidden pattern of coercive control; often beginning in small and subtle ways, and can worsen over time. It also commonly happens alongside other forms of violence. 

Financial abuse is a form of domestic and family violence, and one of the most powerful ways to keep someone trapped in a violent relationship. It can happen to anyone — according to the 2023 YouGov survey commissioned by CommBank, it happens to almost one in four people in Australia, which means it's likely that someone in your life is experiencing it right now.

To help shine a light on this hidden epidemic, it's important to normalise talking about it, because knowing the signs of financial abuse can make a huge difference in someone's life.

Here are some dos and don'ts to keep in mind, if you're concerned that a loved one is experiencing financial abuse.

Don't ignore the warning signs. 

If you suspect your friend might be in an abusive relationship, and you think financial coercion or control is playing a part, there are some clear warning signs to look out for.

If they suddenly give up their job or their source of income and you know them to be someone who enjoys working, or has never shared any desire to stop earning; that may be a red flag. 

If someone is restricting them to a small budget every week for basic necessities like groceries, petrol and transport, or your friend is expressing money concerns because they don’t have access to their personal or joint bank accounts, this could also be a sign that someone is controlling their finances. 

It is common for perpetrators of financial abuse to interrogate their partner's purchases and/or provide 'spending money' rather than access to a wider bank account.  

If loans or debts are only being put into your friends' name within their relationship, this could be another sign of control or coercion. 

Financial abuse commonly occurs with other forms of coercive control such as isolation, so considering the above, if your friend is also reaching out less and only spending time with their partner — it could be a warning sign to watch. 

Be a safe space.  

If you suspect your friend is experiencing financial abuse, it's important to be a safe space for them. 

Ask them openly and gently if they need your help, and listen actively if they share their story. 

Your friend might not be ready to talk or may not yet realise the situation they are in is considered abusive. Try not to jump to conclusions on their behalf, or force them to have a conversation they feel uncomfortable with or don't want to have with you. 

According to Are You Safe At Home, these are some good questions to start a conversation if you are worried that your friend is experiencing financial abuse. 

• Are things okay in your relationship?

• I'm worried about you. Is everything okay?

• Are you safe at home?

• What can I do to help support you?

Point them in the direction of professional support.

There are a number of helplines you can suggest that offer professional crisis support and counselling, with 1800RESPECT being a great place to start. They're a free and confidential national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service, available 24/7.

There's also other support available. CommBank has a bank-wide commitment to address financial abuse through CommBank Next Chapter. For anyone experiencing financial abuse, the CommBank Next Chapter Team can provide free and confidential support and referrals — no matter who you bank with.

Their Next Chapter team specialises in assisting with immediate financial and banking needs, like opening safe new accounts, removing unauthorised access and providing hardship support.

CommBank can also connect and refer people to a number of organisations such as crisis support services, who can help with counselling, safety planning, emergency accommodation and employment services to help victim-survivors regain their financial independence. 

Through their partnership with Good Shepherd's Financial Independence Hub, anyone can access free and confidential support to help them regain control over their finances, feel confident with money and move forward.

Directing your friend to the right professional support could be what helps them leave an abusive relationship. 

Don't blame or shame.  

It can be frustrating to see someone you love in a situation that is hurting them. But blaming them or chastising them for their choices is only going to drive them further away from you.

One of the most dangerous times for a person in an abusive relationship is when they leave. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline says it takes, on average, seven attempts before a victim-survivor is able to leave for good. 

According to CommBank research, 93 per cent of Australians believe there are barriers in seeking support, and of those who have experienced financial abuse, only 54 per cent have sought help. 

It's important to be patient with your friend. By initiating the conversation and directing them to the support services they need, it could very well give them the confidence to take that next step and move towards financial independence.

We can all play a part in helping to end financial abuse. Never underestimate the power of opening up the conversation, and letting your loved ones know you're there to help.  

In an emergency, or if you're not feeling safe, always call 000. For immediate crisis support relating to domestic violence or sexual abuse, you can call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.

If you are experiencing financial abuse or know someone that is, the CommBank Next Chapter Team can provide free and confidential support and referrals – no matter who you bank with. Contact them on 1800 222 387, Monday to Friday, 8am to 6pm (AEST), excluding public holidays. An interpreter can be arranged to assist you. Alternatively, check out CommBank Next Chapter to learn more.

YouGov Community Attitudes to Financial Abuse 2023 Survey, sample size of 10,000+ Australians aged 18+ (19 May 2023).

Feature Image: Getty.