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Farmer Andrew and Farmer David are walking around with their groups of eight smiling, high-heeled women and in the nicest way possible, it looks a bit like a cult.
We learn that Farmer David is looking for a positive, adventurous partner.
More importantly, we learn that FARMER ANDREW HAS A PUPPY.
Farmer David is an apple farmer who loves waking up in the morning to the sounds of the birds and the bees.
Each to their own.
He says he usually falls for women who don't want to move to the country, so what better way to get around that than with a show solely for people who want to move to the country?
His speed dates begin with Elle, who "loves a bit of a farm".
Across the property, a lovely woman named Monique is already thinking that Farmer Andrew "may be the one" based on... idk, his blue shirt and the way he holds a cold beer?
FINALLY, THE MAN'S INTRODUCTION PACKAGE IS PLAYED.
We learn he is more than just... a dancer. He's been single for nine years, he's looking for someone who is adventurous and into self-growth, and HE HAS A PUPPY.
His first speed date is with Jessie, who consults creatives on creative things.
He's got no idea what that means, and to be fair, neither do I, so the man's first question to her is: "If you were going to be arrested for anything, what would you be arrested for?"
She answers "skinny dipping" because this woman is a (creative) genius.
Cassandra, who dressed like a pink highlighter, talks a lot about Farmer David's eyes. And I've just realised that 80 per cent of this show is just discussion by and about people with blue eyes.
And gumboots.
And having lots of country children.
The other 20 per cent is the animal camera shots, which are my personal favourite part.
Andrew's harem group of women discuss their favourite attributes about him, and one woman says she is into the way he reminds her of Indiana Jones.
It's time for Farmer David and Farmer Andrew to select five women to remain in their cults/harems/journey to love.
Farmer Andrew chooses creative Jessie, "this man doesn't like me" Claire, Maddison, Kelly and Lucie.
Farmer David chooses Lorelei, farm-loving Elle, dancing Elle, Emma and Leah.
So long to five women we don't know, and Monique, who has just realised Farmer Andrew was not the one after all.
Ooooh.
Now the farmers must choose one woman each to take back to their farms a whole 24 hours early.
A 24-HOUR SOLO DATE.
Kinda terrifying, actually.
The farmers must awkwardly walk towards their group, in front of everyone, and personally select just one woman. It's the human equivalent of having to rummage through the pile of avos at the supermarket and it makes me squirm.
Farmer David selects Elle.
Farmer Brenton selects Sophie.
Farmer Andrew selects "this man doesn't like me" Claire.
Farmer Brad selects Morgan.
And Farmer Matt selects Chelsea, without either of them OR production using the word 'twin'. Incredible progress.
FINALLY, IT'S TIME TO SEE THE FARMS/ROMANTIC BACKDROPS/FUTURE CENTRES OF THE DRAMA.
The farmers show their maybe-wives around, which is nice, but not as nice as us seeing all the dogs.
Farmer Brenton and Sophie go for a romantic, dog-free walk on the beach and I MIGHT BE A SUCKER BUT I LOVE THEM ALREADY.
End it here! Brenton and Sophie 4ever!
Farmer Brad and Morgan ride horses to a conveniently set up picnic spot and WOOP!
WE HAVE OUR FIRST KISS.
BEAMED STRAIGHT INTO OUR LIVING ROOMS FROM 30 DIFFERENT ANGLES.
Farmer David (quick question, how long till I can drop the 'farmer' title? We are stuck with this all season, aren't we?) is passionate about food.
And this man is quickly becoming the Brooklyn Beckham of Farmer Wants A Wife. Farming, apples, moustaches, music, cooking... is there anything this man is not passionate about?
He's prepared a romantic picnic for Elle.
They talk and drink and hold hands and it is lovely but–
KISS.
KISS.
KISS.
Elle takes the lead and DOES IT AND I KNOW THIS IS LITERALLY JUST EPISODE TWO AND THEY ALL HAVE FOUR OTHER WOMEN TO GET TO KNOW BUT I'M DIGGING THESE MATCHES SO FAR.
She does a little 'we just kissed' dance and I LOVE HER.
Claire is preparing to grill Farmer Andrew over dinner.
"Have you been married before?"
"No."
"Engaged?
"No."
"Nothing?"
"Nothing."
"Why not?"
GOODNESS. AT LEAST TAKE A FEW BITES OF YOUR MEAL FIRST.
It's a lot, but it works, because they bond over having been single for a long time and Claire thinks it's hot that Farmer Andrew is comfortable with himself.
They have eaten absolutely none of their dinner when suddenly, it's time to dance. Or like... walk. In the pattern of dance steps. But without any of the... flow... that makes it dancing.
Farmer Matt has also made Chelsea dinner and talks a lot about making her feel 'enough', after she said that was an insecurity of hers.
Stop.
It's so cute.
They also kiss and bless, Channel 7's weird twin thing is paying off!!!
Farmer Brenton has – gasp! – prepared a picnic for Sophie.
Ya know what? I would love to know this show's fairy-lights budget.
He says he was always going to choose her for the 24 hour date, from the moment he first saw her application. And they pash. Obviously.
The next morning, the rest of the women arrive at the farms and we instantly have somebody shade Sophie, who is asking Farmer Brenton lots of questions about sheep.
"There's definitely some different personalities in the group – there's quieter, like myself and Rach, and there's some more that like more attention and have to be out there and loud."
HOY BOY.
Meanwhile, at Farmer Andrew's place, Claire is NOT GOING WELL because she likes Andrew and also likes the other women and TURNS OUT THIS IS A WEIRD SITUATION WHO WUDDA THUNK IT?
"I think I'm ready to go home," she says.
And then she not-dances her way out of the shot.
GOODNESS. Let the drama begin.
See you tomorrow!
Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer and co-host of The Spill. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
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Feature image: Channel 7.
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