Farmer Wants a Wife recap: 6 farmers, 24 women, one sneaky pash.

Last week on The Farmer Wants a Wife, we learned six farmers from around Australia want woives in their loives.

This week, each of our men (because only men are farmers, apparently) is taking his four chosen ladies home to the farm to see how they cope with country life.

Strap in, people. I feel some animal excrement montages coming on.

Host Sam McClymont tells us “Across the outback, love is returning to the land,” which implies that it was once there and went missing. Where’d it go? Walkabout?

All the farmers are preparing their homes for the advent of the ladies, which involves basic washing and cleaning. Chicks dig that stuff.

Oyster farmer Jedd from South Australia is preparing some prison bunks for his four chosen women with the help of his mother whose aid doesn’t come without cost. “I’m looking forward to a grandchild,” she tells him ominously.

Farmer Matt replaces his toilet roll and thoughtfully removes the insects from his house.

Anna reckons she’s got it in the bag with Matt. “I’m visualising being his wife,” she says. “Maybe we can move these -” she points at rings on her middle finger “to here -” and points to her ring finger. So wait, she doesn’t even want an engagement ring? Too easy!

Law student Amelia might take them all down though. Her application was Matt’s favourite and he had “strong feelings” when he met her.

Now we head to “Farmer Lachie” (aka Lachlan from Married at First Sight) and his farm in Camden. “I’m scared of being hurt,” he says. “I’ve been hurt before.”

Your move, Clare!

Marketing exec Kate arrives wearing jeans, cowboy boots and a flannie, which I’m sure Lachie is incredibly impressed by. All she wants? “To be married to Lachie with two kids.”

She barely knows this man.

His other three girls arrive and Lachie puts them straight to work herding cattle. It’s not clear if he’s after a wife or a media career, but perhaps it’s neither: it could be he just needs a few extra farmhands.

Up north at cowboy Lance’s farm, he tells us he’s so nervous he’s gone to the toilet several times more than usual.

He’s so excited at the idea of eight pairs of breasts on the farm that he runs full-pelt at the car containing said breasts.

Erm…. I can only count three women. That’s only six breasts — what’s happened here? Where’s his fave girl Lorraine? The other women don’t seem to know or care.

Back in scary Coffin Bay, we learn Jedd has a cool dog called Greg. His harem of blondes arrive and one of them Shanell, a stay-at-home mum, has brought a chew treat for Greg. She is wise. She knows if she wins over the dog, it’s in the bag.

Over in Tumby Bay, SA, Julz, 33, and his daughter River are cleaning the house. It’s going to be interesting how the women get along with the seven-year-old, and how many have evil-stepmother written all over their faces. As the child of divorced parents, I can spot this trait a mile away.

Julz puts on a manly wood-chopping exhibition for the ladies; everyone’s forgotten about the kid.

Wait a second — we’re missing another one! The Liberal! Oh wait, here she comes. Megan arrives late, but makes up for it with sheer electric chemistry with Julz. The other women are not pleased.

Meanwhile, Lance is showing the ladies the ropes. Stay tuned for later, when he shows them how to play pool. “He’s very touchy-feely, isn’t he?” notes Karen. Very astute, Karen.

A fourth woman finally arrives — but it’s not Lorraine, it’s host Sam McClymont. Lancey learns Lorraine won’t be coming this week, or ever — due to personal reasons.

“She didn’t rob a bank or something did she?” Oh Lance. Something tells me she’s going to be just fine.

Finally we get to Adam’s place in Gippsland. His favourite was Haley, but she’s proving to be a big whinger who doesn’t want to walk through mud.

“I hope I wasn’t a princess,” she says. You were, Hales. You were.

As evening falls across the farms, our farmers get into the kitchen. Julz is doing steak. Lance is trying to juggle potatoes. Lachie is burning something.

“It’s probably quite important for me to have a wife who can cook,” he says. Or perhaps he could just… learn to cook? The girls step in and explain to him how to boil vegetables.

Jedd has a heaps better idea. He’s got fresh oysters, crumbed whiting and — oh god, one of these chicks doesn’t eat seafood. I’m sorry, she should just leave. You can’t marry an oyster farmer and not eat seafood. Nope. Not a thing.

Adam bestows Kelsea with the honour of helping him in the kitchen which she takes to be a grand romantic gesture.

Next day, he cruelly turns on the girls’ light before dawn and instructs them to meet him at the dairy.

There, they’re all expected to find the morning bowel movements of cows amusing, even account manager Taryn, who got poop on her face. Yeah, she got POOP on her face.

Up at Lance’s, there’s more poop, which he’s throwing at the women in between spanking them on the bum. You made a wise choice, Lorraine.

“How can a horse-shit fight be romantic?” asks domestic engineer Susie. Riddle me that, Lance!

Matt’s body is passing muster in WA as he does various things with cows. “He’s really hot. It’s awesome!” says brand ambassador April.

To each other’s faces, Matt’s women are all nice as pie. “I would like to grab Matt, and shake him, and say, ‘I’ve been waiting to meet you for my whole life,'” Emma tells us. “All the other girls can [expletive].”

In Coffin Bay, Jedd watches his blonde harem slip into wetsuits. They return the perving and for once, he doesn’t have anything poetic to say about it.

“I’m assuming this is the first time you’ve ever hung an oyster bag?” he asks the blondes. “Well, well hung.”

“I hope so,” says resident wag, make-up artist Samantha.

Adam takes poop-face Taryn on his first one-on-one date during which she praises his openness about being ready to be in a relationship. Girl, he’s on a show called Farmer Wants a Wife! He really couldn’t be much clearer.

They begin eating the picnic Adam packed but find the sandwiches are somewhat spicy.

“Maybe he was seeing if I could handle his hot salami?” asks Taryn, without a hint of a smile. “I can handle it.”

I’m sure you can, sweetheart.

Julz takes Megan on his first date. We’ve still seen no sign of River since before the women arrived. Clearly one of them has packed her off to boarding school already.

Megan comes clean with what will surely go down in history as one of the dullest secrets of all time.

“I’ve got to tell you… I’ve been thinking about starting my own turkey farm,” she says. Probably you should tell him that he’s going to be a political husband too, no?

The other girls are pretty mad about how long they’ve been gone and lie on the couch bitching about this fact. Even more controversial: he’s covered in hay. Make of this what you will.

In the Pilbara, Matt takes Amelia, whom he’s taken to calling “Milly” on a horseride. She’s extremely smug about this coup. They hold hands and smile moonily at each other.

Farmer Lachie takes naturopath Belinda on a date to the back of his ute. They drink beer and she tells him she thinks he’s “really brave for inviting four, essentially strangers” into his house. Again, this show is Farmer Wants a Wife. It’s not like he went down the local busstop and took a bunch of transients in.

ZOMG then they make out! Is this the first FWAW pash for the season?

It’s here. The moment I’ve been waiting for all episode. Adam has a cow having a calf, but she’s in trouble! This means someone is going to get elbows deep in a cow.

Goddamn it. They’re making me wait until next week. Until then, friends.