ASOS releases clip-on man buns. Oh my giddy aunt.

WARNING: THIS IS A CRUEL AND TERRIBLE THING.

ASOS.  You already do cruel and terrible things to our credit card.  You, with your shiny things and your ease of use and your ability to suck hours of screen time at night as we fill the lonely hole in our life shopping cart with your things.

BUT NOW THIS:

That’s right. The Clip On Man Bun.

Hipsters unable to cope with the ugly growing out phase of their hair were salivating.  Women who for SO LONG have imagined love making to Jared Leto instead of their short-back-and-sides-boyfriend were running to their computers, ringing their friends, logging on in droves.

The online retailer announced this fashion game changer in a breathless statement, claiming “overwhelming demand”.

If you fancy upping your man’s credentials on both the fashun and success scales without having to wait months and months, we have the answer: the clip-on man-bun. Imminently launching on-site, it is an easy way to get the look without the hassle or maintenance of growing long hair.

And then they sat back and laughed into their lattes. Because the whole thing was a joke.

An APRIL FOOLS JOKE.

That’s right. Cruelness reigns at ASOS headquarters. Because the clip on man bun is a fat knob of a hairy joke and NOW WE HATE YOU, ASOS.  YOU’RE GIVING CANDY TO A BABY AND SNATCHING IT AWAY. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A HAIRY CANDY SNATCHING BABY GRABBING CRUELNESS MACHINE IN A SCREEN.

Why is it a joke to think men might like to purchase a hair accessory? Oh I see what’s going on.  Women are allowed to spend thousands a year on hair upkeep but the idea of a man doing the same thing is a joke, is it?

It’s double standards, ASOS.  It’s reverse sexism, ASOS. I’m pulling that card out. Just like you pulled the man bun out from under me.

PUT THE MAN BUN BACK UP. LET US BUY IT. And you watch them hairy balls fly, fly away from your warehouse and onto the heads of men who might FOR ONCE want to pretend they are as successful and attractive as Jared Leto or Shia LeBouf.

(Plz include some industrial-strength-bobby-pins for those that want to bend it like Beckham with their bun securely fastened).

2014 was the year of the Man Bun.  2015 is the year of the Man Bun too. I just called it. And like you say yourself, it is a universally acknowledged fact that men with buns are not only more attractive but also more successful. Shouldn’t EVERY MAN have the chance to feel that way, no matter their follicular fate?

Why, back in January, you yourselves launched an informative tutorial for men looking to style their locks into a top knot:

For too long we have watched as greasy long haired men were decried as slackers, rockers, geeks and losers. We have suffered through low ponytails, undercuts and yellow-bleached tips.  Now the bun and beard combination is unbeatable. It’s something to be encouraged, not mocked. When a man rakes his hair back into a bun, you should BE SO LUCKY to lend him the hair band from your wrist.

Screw the low-carb diet, ASOS.  Because we want all the buns. Real, fake, sesame seeds, we’ll take a bloody bap. BUNS. ALL THE BUNS.  NOW.