Two parents, in conversation. Hilarity ensues.
Bec: We’ve still got so many things to buy for the baby.
Matt: I know, right? What is the baby going to do on Saturday afternoons if he doesn’t have a seven metre yacht to sail on?
Bec: You’re not getting a yacht. We can’t afford a yacht.
Matt: I meant sailboat. I said “yacht” so you’d think I was rich and you would love me more.
Bec: I have access to your bank account, you can barely afford a Paddle Pop, and I still love you more than anyone else appears to, so we’re not getting a sailboat. We need important baby stuff. Like a baby monitor.
Matt: Why do we need a baby monitor? Isn’t he just going to sleep in the same room as us anyway, like our eleven-year-old dog, and your 31-year-old pillow?
Bec: I suppose. Maybe. How do we know when it’s time to put the baby in his own room?
Matt: Going by your record of separation anxiety, I imagine when he’s starting to bring girls home.
Bec: Seriously, there are so many things we need. According to this list in Platinum Parenting Magazine, there are 157 essential must-have baby items, and we only have five.
Matt: We’ve already got a cot, car seat, stroller, Baby Bjorn, and that shipping container of disposable nappies your aunt bought at Costco. I never had disposable nappies. I think we’re already splurging there. What else could we possibly need?
Bec: A change table for a start.
Matt: What’s wrong with the normal table?
Bec: The one we eat dinner from?
Matt: Yes.
Bec: Have you ever changed a baby?
Matt: No.
Bec: On that note, we’ll need a high chair.
Matt: Why?
Bec: So the baby can eat at the dinner table with us.
Matt: I thought babies just ate breast milk. Which I’m all for. If you want to feed the baby at the dinner table that’s awesome. It’ll be the first time I will have seen your boobs in nine months.
Bec: We’ll need a feeding chair.
Matt: How is that different to a high chair?
Bec: I’ll sit in the feeding chair to feed the baby. And you can too, when I’ve expressed and you’re doing the 3am shift.
Matt: Define “expressed”. And, while you’re at it, define “3am shift”.
Bec: You will be doing a “3am” feeding shift to assist me. And, I will be “expressing” to assist you to do this. And, according to Platinum Parenting Magazine, we’re going to need bottles, nipples, breast pads, a breast pump, nipple cream, and nipple guards.
Matt: Are you reading Platinum Parenting Magazine, or the classifieds section of Playboy Magazine?
Bec: I don’t think you realise what we’re up against here. We need ‘baby’ everything. Baby bath, baby towels, baby books, baby nail scissors, baby swing, baby booties, baby gym.
Matt: How are baby nail scissors different to normal nail scissors?
Bec: They’re ‘baby’.
Matt: What’s the difference between a “baby towel” and a “hand towel”?
Bec: Baby towels are made especially for babies.
Matt: Are they made from different towel material?
Bec: No. They’re just child-sized.
Matt: Like a hand towel then?
Bec: No, like a towel, for children.
Matt: Do they cost more?
Bec: They cost as much as a normal towel.
Matt: But they use 10% of the material.
Bec: I’m starting to get the feeling you don’t want to properly look after our children.
Matt: I’m starting to get the feeling you don’t want to properly look after my dreams of owning a sail boat. Also, I object to paying extra for things for small children – just put what we’ve got in the dryer and it will all be baby-size.
Bec: Oh, very good.
What is the one thing that you bought for your baby that you found completely useless?
Rebecca Granfield claims to have been pregnant for the last 14 months. She and her husband write a blog about family life called www.thegranfields.com In her spare time she carefully plans worst-case scenarios and outcomes; takes photos of unplugged irons so she can leave the house, and tries to learn everything she should have by now given she’s an adult.
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