"I got an erotic yoni massage, and had the best orgasm of my life."

I have a weird relationship to tantra. I find the spiritual or new agey side of it a bit off-putting. But people promoting tantric principles or lifestyles take sex and sexual pleasure very seriously, and because of that I can’t resist looking into it once in a while.

Masturbating while visualising balls of energy? No thanks.

Open and sexually liberated people bringing focused attention to sex? Yes, please!

Recently, my research led me to yoni massages — massages focused on the vulva and vagina.

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It promises a number of benefits. Getting familiar with and learning your body. Overcoming shame surrounding your vagina. Healing from trauma. A transcendental experience. I also saw a few references to “releasing tension in the vagina.”

Sounds great, but I was a bit skeptical. Still, I proposed it to Mr. Austin.

Worst case scenario, I’d get my pussy rubbed for an hour. Even with no healing or revelations, that’s bound to be a good time.

Being a good sport, he did some research of his own, studied a few techniques, and we scheduled a night to try our hand (well, his hand) at a pussy massage.

I expected it to be pleasant. Maybe even a bit relaxing.

I didn’t expect it to blow my f*cking socks off.

Pussy massage 101

We adapted the yoni massage to our purposes by stripping it of all its spiritual elements. That was surprisingly easy, since it changed almost nothing to the technique.

Here’s the basic approach we used.

Set the intention

We clearly laid out our intentions before embarking on this little journey. This is a critical step because the thing that really distinguishes a pussy massage from your run-of-the-mill fingering is the purpose behind it.

Instead of rubbing the clit or attacking the G-spot to try to deliver an orgasm, the pussy massage takes a more holistic approach. The point is to explore — to slowly touch, stroke, and massage every part of the pubic area, vulva, and vagina. The orgasm is supposed to be besides the point (though I was definitely going to ask to be finished off if didn’t get there by the end of it — not very tantric, I guess, but I didn’t want this to be just one long teasing session).

To make sure we got the experience right, we made it clear to each other that the point wasn’t for me to have an orgasm; that I was supposed to just feel, breathe, and enjoy; and that I wasn’t going to even think of touching or pleasuring him at all.

Yep, no matter how horny I got, I had to keep my hands inside the ride at all times.

Get in position

The standard position for a yoni massage is for the one giving it to sit cross-legged in and the one receiving it to have her legs spread and her pelvis propped up with a pillow.

The first time, that’s what we did. Mr. Austin found it quite tiring after a while (he’s a trooper though — he only mentioned it after it was over). The second time, we didn’t think too much about position.

He moved about the bed a few times, shifting to get comfortable. Likewise, I let my legs drop down whenever I started to feel a bit of fatigue setting into my muscles.

Being loosey goosey with the position didn’t seem to affect the results, so it seems as long as everyone is comfortable and the person giving the pussy massage has good access and a clear line of sight to the goods, everything should be fine.

Set a timer

A pussy massage is very much a marathon, not a sprint. It should last about an hour.

But the last thing you want to do is repeatedly look at the clock or worrying about the time. Whether you’re giving or receiving it, you want to stay in the zone and lose yourself in the experience. The best way to do that is to set a timer for an hour.

Even with a timer, we could still see the clock, and it is easy to get a bit distracted by it. The first time we did it, I spent far too much time peeking and thinking things like “Oh, wow, it’s only been 20 minutes!”

Have lots of lube on hand (and a towel)

You’ll be at this a while, so make sure you’re well prepared and don’t have to interrupt everything to go open a new bottle of Uberlube.

Most of the resources I checked out recommended using massage oil, but I know my privates love a good splash of lube, so I stuck with what worked. Since we weren’t using any toys (again, having an orgasm isn’t the point), we went with a really slick silicone lube.

And we learned the hard way after the first time that you don’t want to have to be sans towel at the end when both of you are covered in lube.

Start with a (different kind of) massage

Once you’ve got everything ready, you’re undressed and in position, the next step is to make sure the one getting the massage is feeling comfortable and relaxed.

We sort of zoomed through this step the first time. Mr. Austin rubbed my thighs and pelvic area for a few minutes before moving into the pussy massage proper. That worked alright — it was relaxing and arousing and got me in the right mood for what was to come.

The second time, we took the preparatory massage more seriously. I laid on my stomach and let him rub massage oil into my shoulders, down my back, and on my ass for about fifteen minutes. By the time I got in position for the main event, I had already released plenty of tension.

Keep a slow, steady pace

Once you start massaging the labia, keep things slow and steady. There’s no need to vary your speed, but it might be tricky at first. Mr. Austin told me that he found it hard not to go faster when my breathing indicated that I could climax if he pulled the right moves.

He used a rule of thumb to hold himself back: go about half the speed you normally would. It worked. It wasn’t quick enough to deliver a fast orgasm, but wasn’t so slow that I would feel like falling asleep.

Explore everything

During the massage, you want to explore everything thoroughly.

Spend time massaging the pubic mound. Make yourself familiar with every fold of the labia. Gently stroke around the clitoris.

Once things get going, gently circle the vaginal opening with your finger. About ten to twenty minutes into the massage, introduce penetration. Start with one finger and keep it shallow. Depending on what the one receiving the massage enjoys, you can move on to two fingers and add more depth as things progress.

Some articles I consulted advised that you should also massage the perineum. I’ll chalk that one up as a maybe. It felt unpleasant for me, no matter how gently Mr. Austin touched me, but I’m sure some women might enjoy the sensation.

Find the right balance between getting to really know every part of her body without lingering for too long. The vulva and vagina are complex, so you have a lot of ground to cover — and you’ll probably want to return to some parts of it a few times.

Keep her in charge

Giving a pussy massage is all about ensuring her comfort and allowing her to just go through the experience. To keep her in that state, you have to pay attention to her reactions and listen to her feedback. Make sure you’re not doing anything painful or that feels weird to her.

It’s your hands at work, so you’re taking the lead, but that doesn’t mean you’re taking charge. Keep her in a position of power.

Breathe, cuddle, talk, f*ck — whatever!

The experience is meant to be an intense one. People report crying, laughing, feeling at peace, or having felt like they’ve gone through an otherworldly experience.

Once the pussy massage is done, listen to her breath as it settles back to its normal rhythm. Then, ask her what she wants from you.

She might just want to cuddle. She might have to process what just happened by talking through it. She might be so revved up she wants nothing more than to f*ck you.

She might be so hungry she wants you to make her a sandwich or bring her a plate of cookies.

Whatever she needs, give it to her. This come-down is part of the whole experience and it should make her safe and cared for.

Repeat

Two pussy massages in one day might be a bit much, but go ahead and schedule the next one when you’re done. The day after Mr. Austin gave me my first one, I told him I’d really like to make it a weekly thing. And, so far so good on that front.

What getting pussy massages felt like for me.

I was a little skeptical when I read about the benefits and outcomes of a yoni massage. When I settled in for my first one, I told Mr. Austin “Alright, let’s do this. But don’t expect me to cry at the end of this or anything like that.”

The initial massage was nice and soothing. Then, I felt his hand slowly rub my pubic mound. The slickness of the lube made it such a nice sensation.

As his palm and fingers slowly moved around the outer edges of my vulva, I felt the sensations building up.

That’s when I started worrying about the clock.

I know I wasn’t supposed to even remember the clock, but I was so sure I wouldn’t make it the whole hour. At this rate, I thought I’d have an orgasm within fifteen minutes and couldn’t keep going.

But then the fifteen minute mark came and went. And I realised that the slow pace and the gentle touches were giving me something I had experienced before — I was being edged. I kept getting close to an orgasm, but there just wasn’t enough stimulation to bring me over the edge, and I’d lose it when Mr. Austin’s fingers moved on to another part of my body.

I had been edged before. In fact, it was responsible for some of my strongest orgasms. And now I was going to find out what happens after being edged for a prolonged period of time. I know the orgasm isn’t the point and I’m not really supposed to think about it — but I really couldn’t help feeling a little excited.

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I tried to just focus on the feelings instead of getting distracted by the massage’s happy ending. And it was really, really interesting to say the least.

The pussy massage gave Mr. Austin an occasion to do things he rarely did, and it gave me the opportunity to really feel what was going on. He would gently rub each lip of my labia minora between his thumb and index finger. He would softly rub different spots in my vagina. He would massage the outer lips like he was trying to relax them.

Everything just felt really good, but there were a few standout things that I never stopped and gave my full attention to when the goal was to rub my clit into climax.

There were the times he’d slowly rub up and down both sides of my clit, not touching it, but stimulating everywhere around it.

I loved feeling him spread my lips open, exposing my clit while giving it a twinge of pleasure from the skin being pulled around it. Exposing my hot pussy to the cold air in the room also felt nice.

A few times, he would place his palm flat against me and glide it up my labia and over my clit, spreading slippery lube everywhere as he repeated the motion.

And I almost forgot to keep breathing when he used two hands to massage my clit and labia at the same time.

I was just melting into the sheets. As the minutes passed, I thought there was no way I’d have an orgasm before the hour mark, but I was more than happy to bask in these feelings.

I was wrong about that. At one point, I felt myself getting closer and closer to a climax, with one of Mr. Austin’s fingers slowly stroking me inside and the other gently and slowly circling my clit. Then I realised I wasn’t coming back down.

I felt heat coursing through me and I lost control of my muscles. My whole body tensed and spasmed and I couldn’t stop it. I have no idea how long the orgasm lasted, but it lasted longer than any other orgasm I could remember.

I collapsed and felt them on the edges of my eyes — tears. I burst out laughing — I told Mr. Austin I wouldn’t cry, and here I was giggling like a fool, wiping my eyes as tears streamed down my face.

Once I managed to settle down, Mr. Austin held me and said, “Well, you lasted 45 minutes. Not bad.”

So now my curiosity was satisfied. I knew exactly what happened after 45 minutes of edging: the best orgasm I’d ever experienced.

We’re making pussy massages a regular thing.

After experiencing the pussy massage, I wanted to write about it. But I wanted to make sure nothing I felt was just a fluke or a coincidence. So, a few days later, I asked Mr. Austin to give me another one.

You know, for science.

The orgasm I got that time wasn’t quite as strong, but it was damn close. And everything else still felt really f*cking good.

I didn’t experience transcendence (whatever that even feels like). I didn’t heal from trauma or undergo some kind of catharsis. But on both occasions, I did feel a lot better the next day and I had more mental clarity than usual.

I’m not entirely sure whether that’s due to the pussy massages or not, but I’ll keep testing it out. This is one form of self-care that I can definitely get behind.

And lucky for me, Mr. Austin is behind it, too. He’s agreed to make it a regular event.

I thought getting a pussy massage would just be a slower, longer version of getting rubbed and fingered. In a way it is, but it’s also so much more than that.

It’s an amazing way to learn your body and discover exactly what feels good. For the one on the giving end, it’s a great way to really hone in on how to pleasure your partner.

And if you just so happen to have the best orgasm of your life while doing it, so much the better.

This story originally appeared on Medium and was republished here with full permission. 

Emma Austin is a mum, wife, and writer. She writes about sex, love and everything else that matters to her. You can follow her on Medium @emma.austin.writer