I drank to excess for 20 years. The hardest part of quitting was 'emotional sobriety'.

It’s commonly believed in sober circles that your emotional development is put on hold from the very first time you drink to black out. If this is true, it would suggest that when I finally got sober at age 32, I had the emotional intelligence of a 12-year-old. 

At first, I was horrified at this suggestion and even somewhat insulted. I’d always considered myself to be great with people, considerate of others' feelings, and even go as far as to say I was an empath. But a closer look at my behavioural patterns both in and out of relationships would suggest otherwise. 

By the time I made the decision to get sober, I had left a trail of chaos and carnage in my wake. Twenty years of drinking to excess had rendered me hopeless and unable to connect with myself. 

I was incapable of sitting with uncomfortable emotions and had learnt from a young age that drinking alcohol would allow me to escape from unpleasant feelings. As a result, I spent two decades running from my problems and never developed the necessary tools to engage with life as an adult.

Watch: Your body, one year without alcohol. Post continues below.

A demonstration of this played out in my romantic relationships. Having grown up in an alcoholic home where there was a lot of yelling and raging, my response to an argument with my partner would be to shut down and withdraw. When a conversation became heated, I would feel my nervous system activating a fight-or-flight response and my prefrontal cortex, the rational part of my brain, would shut off.  

I simply didn’t have the tools to engage in a healthy disagreement. Instead, I’d abandon my partner and create intensity outside the relationship. Mostly this would be in the form of acting up by staying out late partying, there was also infidelity on occasion. The following morning I’d wake to intense feelings of guilt and shame, a weight so heavy, it felt like I was suffocating. 

Unable to be honest and face reality, I would compensate for my terrible behaviour by morphing into "the perfect girlfriend" for a period. It was an attempt to not only repair the damage but more so, ease my guilt, while the dishonesty continued to eat away at me like a parasite. 

You see, the problem with ignoring your troubles is that they don’t magically disappear. 

Imagine for a moment that we all carry with us an invisible backpack. Now imagine that every unresolved disagreement or resentment you hold onto is represented by a rock. Each time you choose to avoid the challenging conversation or ignore the bad behaviour, you’re putting a rock into your backpack. Over the years, the weight of the backpack becomes too much to bear and you end up hitting an emotional rock bottom. 

Which is exactly where I found myself in February 2020, when I checked into rehab.     

It was about one week into my rehab stay when the concept of emotional sobriety was first outlined to me. My therapist explained that to develop emotional sobriety, I needed to learn how to regulate my negative feelings and sit with uncomfortable emotions. 

Since most addicts use substances to self-medicate their emotional distress, learning how to process emotions in a healthy way would be essential if I wanted to stay sober. It was made very clear that the success of my physical sobriety was intrinsically linked to the development of my emotional sobriety. To be successful with one, I had to be successful with the other.     

Developing emotional sobriety requires a deeper level of work that goes beyond the physical removal of substances. For many, this work is much more challenging than getting sober. I’ve spoken to a range of people who experienced their compulsion to drink being removed relatively quickly, however the difficulty arose in learning how to live life without anything to blunt the edges.  

It's very common for people in early recovery to substitute one addiction for another, in an attempt to fill the hole in your soul, and distract from uncomfortable feelings. For years I used alcohol as my solution, to fill the void and ease the discomfort. 

Listen: On this episode of The Quicky, Mamamia's daily news podcast, we explore what life is like for a recovering alcoholic. Post continues below.

When I got sober, alcohol was no longer an option, so my brain searched for other externals to alleviate my internal condition. Excessive sugar consumption, spending and over working were all ways in which I attempted to avoid my feelings in the present moment. Other common process addictions include sex, relationships, exercise, gambling and gaming.  

No one’s recovery journey is linear and the instability in my emotional sobriety was highlighted towards the end of 2021, when at almost two years sober, I found myself smoking cigarettes. I was deeply ashamed that I’d started smoking again after quitting when I went to rehab, but my need to disconnect from my feelings was like a force field. 

At the time I was in a relationship that was causing a high degree of emotional distress and while I didn’t want to pick up a drink, I was searching for something to take the edge off. 

Thankfully, I was able to kick the habit within six months and I was relieved to have not broken my sobriety during this time. This experience was a lesson in both self-compassion and awareness. 

When discussing emotional sobriety, it’s important to point out that being "happy" all the time is not an indicator of healthy emotional sobriety. Demonstrating healthy emotional sobriety is about tolerating what you’re feeling and not needing something external to take you away from your internal world. 

It’s also important to note that emotional sobriety isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. Yet, it’s no surprise that my emotional fitness is most often directly correlated to my spiritual fitness. 

Certain spiritual tools, such as meditation and journaling, practiced consistently over time, have enabled me to strengthen and enlarge my emotional sobriety. When I’m actively using these tools in my life, my capacity to handle challenging emotions increases. 

Meditation in particular has taught me to practice the pause and in doing so, I find I now have more space between a stimulus and my response. When I’m emotionally triggered, instead of reacting in fight-or-flight, I can pause and respond mindfully.  

Today, I gauge my emotional sobriety by my ability to no longer be ruled by my emotions. I focus on progress not perfection and I remind myself that no matter how challenging or painful a situation might be, my feelings won’t kill me. 

And when life throws up its challenges, I hold on to the mantra "this too shall pass". 

Ashleigh Butterss is the executive producer and host of Behind The Smile – a recovery podcast designed to expose and remove the stigma around mental health, trauma and addiction. 

With a background in journalism, Ash is passionate about sharing people’s stories and fearlessly believes that we can normalise the conversation through awareness, education and participation. 

Feature image: Instagram/@ashbutterss

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