beauty

'I was filled with shame.' For 10 years, I didn't show anyone my natural hair or eye colour.

Watching the docuseries from Oprah and Tracee Ellis Ross, The Hair Tales, and listening to the stories of so many black women I admire, I felt as though, for the first time in my life, I was not alone. 

For years, I have silenced my inner thoughts and dismissed my experiences around my hair and existence as a woman of colour. But after hearing their stories, I now see they're not only my experiences, but those of us collectively as women of colour.

We're not meant to be filled with shame or silenced. We need to wear our natural hair as the 'majestic crowns' they are.

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All my life I have tried to assimilate and fit into the profiles I saw in magazines. 

Being a South African so-called 'coloured' woman, who left her home country as a six-year-old, I have spent my life unsuccessfully trying to blend into a land where very few girls look like me. 

Whether it was going back to South Africa on holiday as a young girl and walking between my inter-racial grandparents, or strangers coming up to me asking, "What are you?", I’ve spent my life running away from being placed into a box.

By the age of 10, my mum had taught me how to blow wave my hair to look like a fresh salon blowout.

When I looked at the hair of the women around me, straight was better, and blow waving my hair to look the same gave me a sense of belonging. 

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At the age of 16, we moved to Dubai.

During our time there I was finding myself, and I decided to try coloured contact lenses for the first time. In the first week of wearing them I entered a modelling competition to be the face of Nivea in the Middle East. I won. 

Watch the trailer for The Hair Files, the show which inspired this piece. Post continues after video.


Video via Hulu.

It was the first time in my life anyone other than my family had suggested to me I was beautiful. In that one moment, I felt acceptance in my new identity. 

This woman of colour with straight, long, dark hair, tanned skin and grey eyes, finally felt like she belonged. And it was a shield I never let down, even for myself. 

I wore grey contact lenses and blow-waved my hair straight every day from that point forward. 

It became my identity until one defining moment - I had been booked to walk in Australian Fashion Week, in the first size inclusive runway in Australian history, "The Curve Edit". 

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I was so excited; this was my moment. 

I’d blow waved my hair the same way I always did, but it was rainy and warm that day. 

Backstage was hot and humid, and with every look change, my hair started getting frizzier and frizzier. By the end of the show, my hair had completely lost control.

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I was so filled with shame that I didn’t want to go to the after party - an event filled with people who had supported and empowered me to achieve successes like this. All because I was too embarrassed to show my true self.

From that moment forward, I felt uncomfortable in the identity I'd created for myself as a 16-year-old girl. That sense of belonging that I previously felt had morphed into shame. 

Shame for having abandoned myself while seeking to belong. 

I hadn’t worn my natural curly hair or seen my natural eye colour in over 10 years. I never allowed myself to embrace the beautiful features my ancestors gave me.

I knew in that moment that to not only find myself, but become the best version of myself, I needed to embrace all facets of me.

By that stage, I had begun my journey of self-discovery and embraced my natural curves. Now it was time to step into my light and wear my crown. 

It was time to learn to love myself, to lean into what being a woman of colour means, and that included my natural curly hair and deep brown eyes.

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To truly belong is not to conform and try to look like the majority or seek external validation. Rather, it’s about self acceptance. 

Because it's only once we love ourselves that we believe in our right to be there. 

Terri-Leigh Jacobs is a South African business coach, podcaster, model and creator based in Melbourne. For more from her, follow her on Instagram and TikTok.

Feature image: Supplied/Carmen Rose Photography.

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