sex

"Blood went everywhere and he fainted." 13 women confess their most embarrassing sex stories.

Let’s talk about sex. It’s hot, fun and exciting when you’re in the moment, but sometimes things can get awkward… very awkward.

Look, when you’re naked and there’s a lot of movement (and sounds), things are bound to go wrong.

Whether it’s saying the wrong thing, a surprising bodily liquid or an accidental sex injury, we’ve all had an embarrassing mishap in (and outside of) the bedroom. And someone walking in on you during the deed is really only the tip… of the iceberg.

The Mamamia team confess the weirdest places we’ve had sex. Post continues below. 

Video by MMC

So to make you feel better about the cringe-worthy moments that continue to haunt you, we asked 13 women to share their most embarrassing sex stories.

Here’s what they had to say.

“Halfway through I realised that I was bleeding.”

“I’d been on one or two dates with this guy and we decided to go to my place after a date. We were fooling around and started to have sex and about halfway through I realised I was bleeding… To my complete shock, I had somehow gotten my period two weeks early, in the middle of having sex with a guy I hardly knew. I was so confused and embarrassed, mainly because I didn’t really know him, that I just stopped and locked myself in the shower for 10 minutes. He was lovely about it and didn’t care at all but it wasn’t how I thought the one-night stand-type night would turn out.”

“I was so overwhelmed I passed out.”

“The first time I had sex I was already feeling nervous and anxious, and once it was all over (a couple of minutes, give or take) he told me that the condom had broken. Naturally, I fainted. I was so overwhelmed and just…passed out. Sexy, right?”

“I accidentally weed.”

“I accidentally weed on an ex-boyfriend when I was in a weird position and I told him I, uh, ‘squirted’. I’m not sure that’s even a real thing that ladies actually do but he believed it. I was so embarrassed. At least he could feel proud!”

“I noticed there was poo on his bedsheets.”

“Met a guy at a pub, we went back to his and ended up having a great time involving anal. Afterwards, I noticed there was a significant amount of my poo on his bedsheets. I diverted his attention, turned the lights off and we went to sleep. I left early in the morning before the morning sun shed light on my poo. We ended up dating and I brought it up months later, he had noticed the poo but didn’t give a toss, we had a good laugh.”

“Blood went everywhere and he nearly fainted!”

“My boyfriend at the time and I were getting frisky in the shower. I was quite enjoying it and for some reason told him to go ‘hammer and tongs’. He ended up snapping his banjo aka tearing the frenulum that joins the foreskin to the underside of the head of the penis. Blood went everywhere and he nearly fainted! I had to take him to get medical treatment…he had opened an artery and needed stitches to fix it, which also involved getting a needle in his willy.”

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“I got lockjaw.”

“When I was younger I used to get lockjaw pretty badly and once I got it when I was with my boyfriend at the time… He was crying, I was crying and he had to massage the outside of my jaw so I could ‘detach’ myself from him.”

“My nose was bleeding.”

“I was having a little make-out sesh with my BF, it was dark and it was getting… passionate. I thought the kissing started to get a bit sloppy ’cause my face started feeling very moist. It got to be TOO MUCH, so I turned the light on and realised my nose was bleeding the whole time.”

“He said he didn’t like the hair on my vulva.”

“I once was fooling around with a guy at his place and he couldn’t get it up. I first thought it was because his mum was around the house. After some gentle prodding, he told me that it’s because I still have hair on my vulva (I had shaved by the way but I have a feeling he preferred a nice painful wax). The most awkward part was that he said, ‘It’s OK. I know that you’re a busy woman and you have little time to take care of yourself’. Proper a**hole. Let’s just say that porn had set certain expectations for him and I never saw him again after that. But man was that awkward…”

Listen to Overshare, the podcast you really shouldn’t be listening to. Just like the best group chat with your mates, Overshare is a bit smart, a bit dumb and a bit taboo. Post continues. 

“I had a guy who shit himself.”

“I had a guy who shit himself. I’d been dating a guy for around six months. We had quite an adventurous sex life and tried lots of different things, so when he asked if I would… put a sex toy up his bum, I didn’t really mind. It wasn’t necessarily my thing but I am quite open-minded so thought it would be good to try if it was something he was into – he already had a toy in his drawer so I assumed this wasn’t his first rodeo! I did as he asked. All was well, he seemed to enjoy it. But then when the time came to take the toy out… well, let’s say as soon it was removed he made a mess of the sheets. It was utterly mortifying for me, so I can’t even begin to imagine how embarrassed he felt.”

“I broke his dick.”

“One of my friends accidentally ‘broke her boyfriend’s dick’. He was in so much pain that they had to go to the hospital, with him covering the area with a towel. It was one of the first times they had sex and they couldn’t do it for a while after as he had to recover.”

“My neighbour heard us and confronted me.”

“I once had drunk sex with my ex and it turns out we must’ve been very loud because the next morning, we had a note in his mailbox that said ‘You are very loud. Maybe this will help. EAT KILL F*CK’ and attached to the note was a porn DVD. It was a very confusing response.”

“She broke her hip.”

“One of my friends was once getting oral whilst standing up on a bed and she lost her balance, fell off and broke her hip.”

“I got my period and freaked out.”

“I had a drunken night out in Paris with a friend and met these guys at a bar. Went back to the guy’s house, not realising I was just about to get my period. He looks down as we’re about to do the deed (he also spoke MINIMAL English) and was like what. is that. everywhere. I literally got up and put my dress on and grabbed my coat (both brand new, got period blood all over them) and ran out of the apartment. My phone was on one per cent and I probably left a lot of other stuff there (dignity was gone by that point) and had to turn up to the apartment I was staying in at 6am in the morning, like a total mess.”

Have you had any funny mishaps in the bedroom? Let us know in the comments below. 

Feature Image: Getty.

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