The Voice Grand Final. Discuss.

By EM RUSCIANO

This is it kids; our last outing for Season 1 of The Voice. Never fear, I will be turning my attention to other things that you can all get involved in, so stay tuned to this website for details.

The theme of last night’s show was THE JOURNEY. They took that word and bludgeoned us to our bloody, terrifying deaths with it. Did you even know that there were other words available to define the progress from one stage to another? I know, right?

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For instance:

Adventure, campaign, expedition, jaunt, odyssey, outing, passage, peregrination, pilgrimage, promenade, quest, ramble, route, safari, sally, saunter, sojourn, transmigration, traverse, trek, trip, vagabondage (ha, ha bondage) venture and voyage…

The emotive male voice over told us that this episode was about sadness and happiness and colour co-ordination and highs and lows and most importantly… breasts. Sorry, my retinas are still dented from the impression Mahalia Barns’ bountiful norgs made through my television screen… But I digress, we will cover off Mahalia’s cleavage and her father’s catastrophic choice of boot/pant combo later.

Obviously I was in a state of suspended animation just WAITING to see what Seal would be wearing.

Would it be a suit made entirely of mermaid virgin hair with unicorn teeth rings? Dragon scale boots with a belt made of the finest Valerian steel? Or perhaps an all in one Lycra body suit painted to look EXACTLY like the red spinny chair thus allowing our great leader to fade into the leather like a fabulous chocolate chameleon?

As the host “what’s-his-face” delivered the opening monologue, I held my breath with anticipation. Would my reaction be as strong as when I saw the lady-parts-pink velvet skivvy with matching drop-crotch slacks ensemble? WOULD IT?!

Alas no, it was a disappointment of epic proportions. He was in head-to-toe black, with only a hint of dominatrix glam in his harnvest (harness/vest). From the man who bought us the “glirt” (shirt with attached gloves) this was truly a let down.

Delta on the other hand, was resplendent in a Star Wars fan’s wet dream. Her dress, according to twitter, was C3PO meets a gold Logie, meets a bottle of J’adore by Christian Dior. In other words RAD.

Joel was uncharacteristically subdued in head-to-toe black and Keith looked fine as well. Just fine. Not AMAZING, just fine. Fine.

Group number alert! The final four took to the stage singing a classic. Wait no that is what should have happened. The final four took to the stage singing a song I have never heard of, call me old-fashioned but I want to be able to sing along to a reality TV show group number finale. Again the real winner here was colour co-ordination. All of the contestants joined the final four onstage in various shades of blues and purple. The stylist clearly has a mad case of OCD and I bloody love it.

The they talked about the judges’ JOURNEY. Delta informed us of some of her nicknames for Seal: “Man-usa” because he is a man and reminded her of “Medusa” – I’m not sure how that one ties in with Seal but I suggest we don’t look too deeply into it, KAY? Delts also calls him “Lord Seal” and “Jedi”- both making slightly more sense than referring to him as the male version of the snaky haired monster of greek mythology who turned people to stone should they look directly into her eyes..

FINALLY we had some singing and first up was what would happen should the Eurovision creative team be asked to stage a pyromaniac gothic wedding, AKA Joel and Sarah de Bono singing a duet. Sarah looked pretty ace in a floor length black frock, it was cut out at the waist and fishtailed at the bottom. I did see a hint of cheek in the sheer side panels but sister has it, so she totally got away with it. Joel made a fine attempt at keeping up vocally with De Bono but the song, which was It Will Rain by Bruno Mars – was a little out of his range. The birthday cake sparkler rain was breathtaking and the fire lit around the edges to ward off evil spirits was also impressive.

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Up next was an explosion of awesome in the duet to end all duets. Karise feat. Seal. He didn’t even know half of the words and it was still grouse. Large exhaust fans set the scene with the majestic choir parked behind them. They sang Many Rivers to Cross with Seal ending up on bended knee holding Karise’s hand awkwardly. Nuff said.

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Delta and mini-Delta, AKA Rachael Leahcar, thought they’d have a crack at The Prayer by Andrea Bocelli. As expected dry ice was a main player here, along with sexy violinists and ethereal facial expressions. It seemed a little creepy. It had a mother/daughter vibe going on but not in a good, supportive way. More in a “grey gardens” type of way… Rachael’s voice sounded strained and sore, Delta’s soared. It was almost as thought they were singing along side of each other, not together. Delta and Rachael seem to have forged quite a strong bond, which I think is a lovely outcome for both of them.

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The final judge/contestant duo gave us the musical equivalent of clean sheets, a hot shower and a kiss on the forehead. Keith and Darren sang Keith’s Without You and it was glorious and warm and comforting. There is obviously a lot of mutual respect between the two of them. It was kinda weird how they didn’t make eye contact once during the entire DUET but after the host inferred any kind of affection would indicate they were having a love affair, I guess they refrained so as not to give hope to the gay community that they were obtainable. What? Where am I? MOVING ON!

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Prinnie Stevens and Mahalia Barnes took to the stage to deliver a POWER HOUSE performance of River Deep, Mountain High, which Mahalia’s father Jimmy also famously covered. Mahalia had done AWAY with the decorative moo-moo and in it’s place she totally poured herself (and her admirable frontal region) into a tightly fitting corset. It was a flesh shelf of EPIC measures; she looked like a different woman. I was picking up what she was putting down. Then JIMMY busted out on stage… It was ten different kinds of goodness, until I saw his leather gumboots with skinny leg jeans choice. That, coupled with close proximity to his daughter’s impressive cleavage, made me a little uncomfortable. Then I got over myself and loved the whole thing sick.

Finally it was time to announce the winner. Seal showed his great love for our country by painting his little fingers with our flag. I felt as though he did that just for me you know. Not you, me…

In 4th place: Sarah de Bono

In 3rd place: Rachael Leahcar

In 2nd place: Darren Percival

In 1st place and the winner of The Voice: Karise Eden

In the end it worked, the system worked. The person with the best VOICE won.

Karise Eden is truly talented, unique and I hope to God she is treated kindly. If they do it right, I truly believe she could be an international superstar of Adele-like levels. I am sure her album masterfully entitled “My JOURNEY” (I couldn’t make that shit up if I tried) will go on to sell a bazillion copies.

I have loved every second of this show and in my head Delta will go back to her stallion ranch where young men feed her grapes and brush her hair.

Keith will resume fathering his children and calling Nicole baby in their house made of warm toast.

Joel will go back to working in his hair salon, which Benji lives underneath and is allowed out into the natural light on days that start with T.

Seal. What can I say about Seal? Oh God I am actually chocking up here… Seal gave me more joy, content and fantasy worlds than I could handle. He has been a fountain of awesome, smooth and velvety goodness. Don’t EVER change Seal, not ever.

I hope you have enjoyed this JOURNEY with me. I have loved sharing it with you, I’ll be back… Just you try and stop me.

In the meantime you should all totes come and see my cabaret show, well maybe not all of you as there is only about 50 tickets left! I know, I am as shocked as you are.. GET TO IT!

www.emrusciano.com.au

Finally, The Voice worked because at no point was it ever negative. I have attempted to do the same here, I *SPORTING ANALOGY ALERT* tried to remember to play the ball and not the man.

Thanks for your patronage.

Em xx

Were you watching last night? Did you pick Karise as the winner? What were your favourite moments from the series? And would you be tuning in next year?