Dominic West is too... attractive, and 4 other thoughts we had watching The Crown season five.

About four episodes into season five of The Crown, I messaged the group chat and said: "Gosh The Crown is jolly boring!". 

That's when I... knew. I was already in too deep. I'd started to speak like them. Scones suddenly appeared in front of me and I began to judge people for being decidedly middle class. I might have been watching a show that's the TV equivalent of listening to elevator music but I was weirdly... invested. 

I'd sat through an entire episode about an old man's obsession with horse carriages. I'd even sat through Prince Charles breakdancing with the youth. And now I had thoughts. And opinions. I had... notes for the team at Netflix. 

Unfortunately, they wouldn't answer my calls, so here are 5 things thoughts I had while watching The Crown season five: 

1. Dominic West is too much of a... sexy boy to play Prince Charles. 

Look, I would never want to comment on the reigning King's appearance (because I quite like my head and would very much like to keep it) but Dominic West is a terrible choice for Prince Charles. 

They're just two very different kinds of men. 

Our good friend Dominic has a certain simmering, dirty hotness to him. You know the kind. He's the kind of guy who wouldn't treat you particularly well but you'd kind of like it?

Prince Charles, on the other hand, is a middle-aged man who says... mummy. 

NOPE. Image: Getty/Netflix. 

Yes, they're both dirty, dirty philandering cheaters but they're very different kinds of cheaters. 

Prince Charles cheats because it's his birthright. Women are drawn to him because of who his mummy is. Dominic, on the other hand, cheats because of that simmering, dirty hotness I mentioned before. 

Dominic could be penniless, living on the street and there'd be at least 10 women who would stop, look, and say to their friend, "Hear me out..." 

2. 90 per cent of this show is just people giving each other knowing and also withering looks. 

Ok there is a lot of "face acting" in this show. 

In fact, I would go as far to say it's 80 per cent faces, 10 per cent boats, and 10 per cent horses. 

Most of the scenes are just people giving each other knowing and/or withering looks with very little dialogue and it's up to us to figure out what the heck is going on. 

What am I to decipher from this? 

Image: Netflix. 

Are you mad? Happy? Do you need to poop?

3. On that, how does Diana look down but up at the same time? 

By far the biggest face actor is Elizabeth Debicki, the Australian actress who plays Princess Diana. 

She's really nailed the late princess' knack for looking down with her face but up with her eyes. 

But also... that's all she does? 

WHAT

IS

GOING

ON.

Surely Diana didn't walk around with her head at a 90-degree angle at all times? 

4. The timeline makes no sense. 

I understand they're trying to fit a lot of storyline into 10 episodes, but the timeline makes no sense. 

There's an entire episode about Prince Philip riding a horse carriage and a five-minute scene about a whole family being murdered in their basement. 

In one scene, a man coughs and in the next scene he's dead and buried in the ground. But yet I learnt a lot about horse carriages and how to ride them. 

OK???????

Which brings me to my final point... 

5. Is this just an... advertisement for King Charles? 

Again, I like my head and would very much like to keep it. 

But at the end of episode five, Prince Charles literally break dances with some "youth" for several minutes with no context nor explanation. 

And then we get several, what can only be described as... slides, about how he's done lots for "the youth". 

I sat there waiting for a voiceover at the end that would say... "This message was approved by King Charles, Windsor Castle, Windsor." 

Is Charles running a campaign to be King? Mate, you already got the job.

Season five of The Crown is streaming on Netflix. 

Feature Image: Netflix.