By: Divorced Moms
I’ve asked myself hundreds of times, why didn’t I divorce the ex years ago.
What was the struggle for me, a typically practical and decisive person in most other areas of my life. I had thought about divorcing him for at least a decade as my love, trust, and certainly respect for him eroded. (My self-respect had diminished as well.) Was it as simple as I wasn’t ready, as many people have offered as an explanation? Now divorced, it’s only with time and distance that some clarity is being clarified, but it doesn’t help the regret I continue to experience every time I think about the many years wasted in a marriage. I now see as four distinct periods: happy, less happy, not happy, and miserable.
My ex was not a “reader” (as he would say) but, nevertheless, his fanciful version of himself as a devoted husband and father was a highly fictionalised story. It was essential to the facade he concocted for his public persona. (He’s a person that reinvents himself repetitiously to accomplish two things – hiding himself from others and hiding from himself.)
As the years wore on, his bullshit was getting harder for me to swallow and my inner turmoil continued to build up to the point of constant anxiety. (Denial is a powerful, but exhausting emotion to sustain.) By the end of our marriage, contempt had developed into a pronounced language between us. It was becoming more difficult for him to keep me compliant in the story he was spinning and I went back-and-forth between hurt and hate and back again. (Turning into a passive-aggressive person is not a memory I enjoy having about myself but, unfortunately, that’s what I became the last couple of years of our marriage.)