This is the day. The day that changed everything.
One year ago today, after much inquiry on my part as to why you hadn’t been acting like yourself, you looked me in the eye, teeth clenched, our children playing near us in the back yard, and muttered, “I have been unhappy for a very long time. I’ve been asking myself if I have been staying because I want to or because I feel stuck. And lately, the answer has been because I feel stuck.”
I was taken aback; my heart pounding. Time stood still and my emotions froze. In response, I told you I had been unhappy too and had been trying to express that to you for a while. As hard as it was to have that conversation, I felt relieved and hopeful that we were communicating about it. Finally, a door had opened!
We got interrupted and went about the business of eating dinner and getting the kids to bed. I remember being so nervous that I was shaking and had trouble swallowing my food.
As we resumed our conversation a couple of hours later, it quickly became clear you were already in the mindset of divorce, with one foot out the door. When you had learned I was unhappy also, you immediately began planning your exit. Surprised to hear it, I stated unequivocally that I was in the mindset of working on our marriage.
Sadly, it didn't seem to affect you. Twelve years together, nearly eight of them married, and that one brief conversation meant a permanent split in your mind ... despite the fact that we had young kids ... despite the fact that you had never expressed your unhappiness previously and that this was an absolute shock to me. I was stunned to realise you had no interest in trying to repair the marriage, a marriage that was founded on love (I will always believe that, despite your skewed view of the past).
You just wanted out - as soon as possible.
I found myself questioning reality.
To top it all off, you ended the conversation by leaving to meet her. Your "friend." The one I had been suspicious of for a long time and who later proved to be the real reason (or, at best, the catalyst) behind it all. My heart shattered when you walked out the door.
The moment you dropped the bomb that Tuesday is forever burned in my brain. I still struggle with understanding it all...wondering if I ever knew the "real" you; why you never had the courage all of those years to talk to me and get through to me that you were that miserable. Divorce-level miserable. And for not at least trying to pick up the pieces and work on the marriage with me when we hit rock bottom, rather than throwing in the towel.
I felt worthless...unwanted, undesirable, disposable.