Gross stuff, it’s part of the parenting job description. But something amazing happens when you have your very own mini human, stuff that you once thought was so downright disgusting just doesn’t seem so bad anymore.
In fact, gross stuff becomes part of the norm. You forget what other people deem acceptable. It can be tricky when out and about in the real world because non parents are not as immune to the icky sticky like you are and so, our natural parenting behaviour is actually really fowl.
Here are some of the gross things parents do in the course of kid wrangling.
1. Stick a dummy in your mouth to clean it.
Once considered gross, now a necessary evil if you want that kid to stop crying or go to sleep. Your sanity is worth whatever the hell that dummy landed in on the floor. Plus it’s immune boosting. Take one for the team, mum.
2. Fished poo out of the bath
Nothing gets a mum running faster than the nasal tones of "Muuuuummmmm he's done a poo in the bath". Go forth mum, find a weapon and fish that brown snake out of the murkey water. The upside is that bath time is remarkably close to bedtime, which happens to also be wine time. Hang in there. And wash your hands.
3. Eat someone else's leftovers
Every, damn. day. I'm pretty sure 99 per cent of my diet is stuff my kids have left pre-loved on a plate. The other part is wine.
4. Researched or purchased a nasal aspirator.
The common name for these little beauties is a 'snot sucker'. Hopefully you've got the idea but just in case it's a small device that you shove up a snotty kid. One end up the nostril, the other end in your mouth to suck out the goo. Yep, really.
5. Reheat a cup of tea (or dinner) more than three times
Contrary to non parents beliefs there is no limit to the amount of times one can reheat a cup of tea in the microwave. I don't know why we bother really, it's not like you're going to be able to drink it hot.
6. Examine someone else's poo
Is that? Oh, he had beetroot last night. Wait, WTF? You're telling me that sultanas rehydrate while making their way through a digestive tract? I am. It's true. Parents get all the fun jobs and examining someone else faecal matter is just the start. From the day they're born you'll be assessing the nappy produce. The game gets exciting when you're made aware that your child has swallowed something they shouldn't have. It's hide and seek, poo style.
7. Lick your finger to wipe your child's face.
I find this one hilarious. Imagine walking up to someone in the street, licking your finger and wiping their face with it. But somehow when it's your kid, they're fair game.
8. Sit with a urine specimen container (or bag) waiting to capture a wee sample.
You'll never be happier to have someone wee all over your arm.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I once had to catch wee from a 3 month old girl. And yes. That is as difficult as you think it is.]
9. Rescued a toy (or your hairbrush/phone/tv remote) from the toilet
There's no point in delaying it, your phone's in the loo and you've gotta go after it, no matter how stormy the toilet seas are. Close your eyes, go to your happy place and just get it done.
10. Nits
The very thought of it makes me want to puke but nits love kids. Show me a parent who hasn't sat in front of the T.V. with a bottle of conditioner and a nit comb (and if you haven't experienced this joy yet, your time will come).
11. Watched your child eat something off the floor
Ah the crawling stage. So cute, so adorable, so friggin' disgusting seeing them shove who knows what into their chubby little face holes.
12. Wiped snot on your sleeves
If clothing manufacturers didn't want you to use your sleeves as snot rags for your kids they wouldn't have made them so close to the children.
13. Bite your child's nails
Baby's nails are like paper. There's no point in using a nail clipper plus, they never sit still. Once you discover that your teeth are are much better option they're be getting mouth manicures from then on. Gross before parenting, just part of the job.
14. Caught vomit in your hands
There are few moments in life which really define a persons character. Catching someone else's vomit in your bare hands is one of these moments.
15. The smell test
Poo or chocolate, only you can be the judge of that one.
16. Being fully aware of your clothes being pissed on or puked on and still wearing them
You've all done it. So have it. In fact I'm wearing a delightful stain of sour milk right now and I don't care in the slightest.