I never wanted to yell at my kids. But of course, I did. Here’s how I learned to stop.
I grew up in a house filled with shouting. We shouted when we were happy, sad, angry, hungry. Yelling was part of everyday life.
Except it never failed to terrify me. I never became used to it. It always startled me because yelling could be so scary, especially when mum and dad were mad and I was in trouble. To this day, shouting upsets me. So you can imagine how horrified I was when I found myself yelling at my own children.
I'm not sure how or why it started. It was the culmination of financial stress, their constant verbal sparring, tension, being busy... it was a tension relief. The kids would do something naughty, the tension would build, I would yell and feel immediate relief.
Then intense guilt would take over. The looks on their faces upset me so much. They were scared, startled, fearful. I was horrified that I had become the kind of parent I dreaded, the kind of mother I swore I would never become. It turned out to be a hard habit to break.
I made a conscious effort not to yell and although I often felt the urge (programmed into me from my childhood), I managed to stop myself most of the time.
Weeks later, I called out to Philip to please bring me the phone charger. Nobody was in trouble, he was just on the other side of the house and I couldn't be bothered getting up and walking there. My little girl started hysterically crying. I explained to her that I wasn't angry, that nobody was in trouble and hugged her tightly. She kept saying, "You scared me Mum, you scared me."
I knew as I held my daughter that I was NEVER going to raise my voice around my children again, unless we were watching a sporting event and even then I'd be care what I said. Swift action was needed. I refused to be the kind of mother who yelled in anger and scared her children.
I staged an intervention, on myself, and came up with 8 things to do instead of shouting. I still feel the urge to yell, I still feel angry and upset, but I always turn to these actions instead. They work, every time:
Do you shout at your kids?