You know that feeling when the perfect comeback pops into your head a minute too late? The French even have a term for it: l’esprit d’escalier.
Well, we’re experiencing that on a massive scale right now, because we’ve just seen what is quite possibly the best response to an unsolicited dick pick. Ever.
It’s a formal rejection letter.
Penned by British woman Sarah-Louise Jordan, it begins with what ought to go down as possibly the greatest opening lines ever strung together:
"Thank you for the unexpected and unsolicited submission of your penis portrait for our consideration. We regret to inform you that it has failed to pass our most basic standards of quality control at this time."
What follows is the offer of a report - available at a nominal free - that might help the candidate improve.
Within it, the purchaser will find handy booklets like "Why genitals are not an acceptable conversation opener (A step-by-step guide to saying hello)" and "How to dress your dick for social media (A rough guide to pants)".
Should any further portraits be received, Jordan kindly offers to supply - free of charge - an "inventive critique of your pride and joy" and a "surprise consultation with your closet available family member".
Oh, and did we mention she included a crest at the top?
We're prepared to set aside our why-didn't-we-think-of-that jealousy and applaud this for what it is: absolute genius.
And social media is doing the same.
Shared a couple of days ago by an impressed Twitter user, Jordan's letter has since attracted more than 4000 likes and 3000 retweets on that post alone.
No word yet on whether the happy snapper has resubmitted his portfolio.
But we're going to assume not.
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Top Comments
Who would go to the effort of copy/posting that? Far easier to write back: "seriously? Its quite small" Or something like that. Too much info, it loses it's punch and effectiveness.