'At 48 I was diagnosed with autism. It made me reassess my whole childhood.'

Dan Kerr is in a life season of re-evaluation. It all stems from a "life-changing" moment four years ago.

When Dan was 48, he was diagnosed as autistic. In stages throughout his life, there had been suggestions that he might be on the spectrum. Teachers had alluded to it in his report cards. His partner of over three decades also had a strong feeling. 

"In the lead up to seeing the specialist, I had been told by so many people that I must have autism. I always rejected it," he tells Mamamia. 

"But a quiet part of me felt like it must be true. So when I was told that I was autistic, it was such a joyous thing to be told. Because I was able to finally start making sense of who I was and why I am the way I am."

With the diagnosis though came a period of reflection, particularly on his childhood.

When Dan was young, his parents separated and they both married new partners. From the age of 11 to 22, Dan says he felt isolated in both home environments by his new step-parental figures.

In one household his "presence wasn't acknowledged at all" and there was always underlying resentment towards him.

In the other household, there was a great deal of anger and emotional hurt directed towards him.

Dan when he was a child. Image: Supplied.

"In those 10 years I lived in a constant state of tension and anxiety. My mother was wonderful, and I'd try and spend as much time as I could with her. But there was that tension with my parents' partners of not feeling like I was wanted in their homes."

Dan's response to the anger was to shut down completely. 

"It's something I still struggle with, looking back on those years. I wish I could have been more forthright, and I tried. Something that a lot of autistic people do is shutdown from emotion. It's a form of self protection," he explains.

"We are made to feel like we have to mask who we are and our innate responses to certain things. For so long I tried to be so accommodating to people, even those who didn't have good intentions. I now know that the way I reacted to those experiences in that home were relevant to my autism. I tried my very best with the tools I had."

In his late teens, Dan's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and she passed away when he was 24. 

"After her death I kept my emotions suppressed. I never got to have those conversations with mum, she was gone before I could discuss my diagnosis with her. I don't have much family left and I am still not comfortable speaking about the diagnosis with them yet. It's a very complicated feeling," he notes. 

"I just wish mum was still here."

Dan's dad has also since passed away and they were estranged in the 10 years leading up to his death. 

Dan with his mother. Image: Supplied.

Since the autism diagnosis, Dan has been learning more and more about himself. Age 50 he was diagnosed with ADHD, and he has since also been told by his specialist that he has body dysmorphia.

"It now makes sense why I struggled in school with inattention. Or why I don't like taking off my shirt at the beach or swimming with my kids, because I feel uncomfortable being looked at," he says.

"For so many years I've had to mask who I am, how I feel and how I respond to things. It's absolutely life-altering to have these new understandings, and to feel confident enough to ask for assistance or support if needed."

Today Dan, now 52, feels content. He has the puzzle pieces finally — now he's just putting them together and making sense of it all, he explains. Music and songwriting has been his therapy. He has also worked in the disability sector, and now realises why he is so good at interacting and engaging with kids on the spectrum.

Dan is sharing his story via his podcast Late To The Party with his co-host Bianca Paliaga, where the pair speak about adults with late diagnosed autism and ADHD.

"Part of this post-diagnosis journey is finding the ability to forgive yourself for actions that you have done and the circumstances that you didn't have the understanding to cope with. It is an ongoing and exhausting process at this age. But it's well worth it," says Dan.

Dan with his Late To The Party podcast co-host Bianca Paliaga. Image: Supplied.

"What neurodivergent people go through, it's no easy feat. We have created in our podcast a haven for adults just like us who remain on the fringes even within the autistic community, because kids are still the main focus be it for funding, media content or studies."

It's for this reason why Dan wants to tell his story, in the hopes that neurotypical people can learn more about autism, and for neurodivergent people to feel seen, heard and understood. 

"People with autism and ADHD, we're all so different. To hear our stories, our voices, ask questions — it's amazing."

"I also hope to clarify that whilst the spectrum is a large spectrum, you have to be on the spectrum to be on the spectrum. Only autistic people are within that spectrum. Yes, it's become bigger over the years. But our lived experiences are unique. We live in a world built for neurotypical people — it's high time we recognise that and the impact it can have on people like me."

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a national organisation that helps women, children and families move on after the devastation of domestic and family violence. Their mission is to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most. If you would like to support their mission you can donate here. 

Feature Image: Supplied.