In July last year, in my second week of work in a new job and three weeks before my engagement party, my partner of two years called me at 8am on a Monday morning crying.
At first he was crying too hard to get the words out. I asked him repeatedly what was wrong. Was he hurt? Was he in an accident? Had something happened at work? No.
He didn’t need to say anything else. I knew. Two weeks prior, at a small party I hadn’t attended, he had gotten black-out drunk and slept with someone. We had been engaged three months.
The next few days were the worst of my life. Obviously there was anger, and hurt and disbelief. My partner tried to assure me that yes, he was very happy and no, he absolutely did not want to lose me. But he still couldn’t tell me what had happened or why he ended up in this situation.
Over the next few weeks we struggled. I would wake up at 2am to find him sitting on the floor in the doorway of our bedroom, watching me sleep. We discussed our future, whether there was one or whether we should break up. My partner cried, frequently. More frequently than me. More than was normal, even for someone in his situation. Then he stopped getting out of bed in the mornings. He refused to go to work. A feeling of unease started to uncurl in my stomach. I started thinking back across the course of our relationship to other times when he’d refused to get out of bed, or drunk too much, or cried too easily.
I had known he sometimes ‘felt down’. I knew that sometimes he wasn’t feeling motivated to go to the gym or to do the dishes or go to work. I knew that before we’d met, he had a reasonably significant drug problem. I also knew that there was a history of mental illness in his family, of anxiety and depression.
But he’d seemed fine – things were going great between us and we had so much to celebrate and look forward to. Surely he had just drunk too much and made a really poor decision aided by someone equally as inebriated and with severe emotional baggage of her own. But he wasn’t dealing with what he’d done at all – in fact he seemed to be coping worse than I was. Almost every day he would wake up crying, and I would have to physically pull him from the bed. I would dress him and get his things together to send him to work, terrified he would lose his job.
Eventually, I persuaded him to go to the doctor. The doctor wrote him a referral to see a psychologist, and the sessions seemed to help. At the end of session five, she signed him off. His indiscretion and subsequent depression seemed situational, she said. Somehow, we moved on. We stayed together and I tried to be supportive while trying to work through my own anger and hurt.
Then about five months later, I started noticing that he’d stopped going to the gym again. He wouldn’t help around the house and was dragging his feet getting to work. One Tuesday evening, he went out for afternoon beers with a mutual friend. He came home drunk, when he wasn’t supposed to be drinking, and the look in his eyes showed me that things weren’t going right in his head. We had a fight. He started spewing out hateful, hurtful, untrue things. I treated him like he was stupid; he was worthless and he had nothing to give to anyone. He had nothing to offer a future family. I started to cry and he disappeared into our bathroom. I heard several loud thumps and some screaming as he punched a massive hole in the wall.
In the morning, I took him straight back to the doctor. This time, I made him sit down and explain everything. He was prescribed medication, counselling and a strict diet and exercise plan.
He started taking the medication immediately, and after about 10 days I could see the positive effects. But despite the improvement evident to me, he was still reluctant to take the medication. We are now two months down the road and he still feels he doesn’t need medication and doesn’t want anyone to know he is taking ‘crazy pills’. I hope that over time, he will feel more comfortable and be able to admit that medication helps him.
There is still a lot of stigma around depression and mental illness. Some of our family and friends know what we’ve been going through – lots don’t. He hates to tell people, fearing they will see him differently or offer ‘awkward half-assed pity’. I hope as time goes mental illness won’t be as misunderstood and he will feel more comfortable talking about it.
It has been a hard battle for both of us, and it’s only just the beginning. His doctor says he has probably always been battling depression, but self-medicated with drugs and alcohol. Above all, perhaps the hardest thing is seeing the way his self-worth deserts him when he’s feeling down. He cannot see through the fog to remember that he is caring, he is smart and he absolutely has something to give. This sense of worthlessness is perhaps the scariest part of all, and what leads so many people to take actions that can’t be undone. If there was only one thing I would want him – and anyone who is struggling – to always remember, it would be this: you are loved. You have worth. And the world is absolutely better with you in it.
Would you forgive a cheating partner because of their mental state? How would you cope with a partner who has depression?
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I really needed to find someone else who has had something similar to me.
Approximately a month ago I found out my boyfriend of 6 months was texting other girls. He has depression and could barely leave the house a few months ago, but with time and medicine and a lot of love, we moved past that. He used gambling and drinking, as well as online chatting, as a form of escapism. I found messages about a month ago and we had a serious chat about it. After all, it was just messages. I know it isn't as bad as actual cheating, but I did know he was sick and his depression had not passed yet. I only found this out because he was distant. So distant. Phone off. Lack of goodnight wishes. When he was with me, it was all ok but when he was away from me, it was like another person. Anyway, we had our long chat and got through it. He said he needed a break so I arranged a little getaway and it was really nice. The day after we got back, I was transferring images to his phone from the holiday. I found messages from before we had gone away. They were with the appearance that he was chatting to other girls as if to meet them but this girl was angry that he never actually did. This was kind of a relief to me as even if he had the issue that he was still trying to 'escape' online and chat, at least nothing was happening. We had had our little break away and we came back, refreshed. He said it was what he needed and everything was a clean slate. Benefit of the doubt given, let's move on. I still had a niggle in my head. Something wasn't right. I cooked him a three course meal on Saturday night. Originally planned for Friday as his parents were going away, but they had apparently delayed their plans til Saturday morning and so our Friday night moved to Saturday. Friday night, I told him how happy I was. And that as long as everything stayed at it was, then I was positive for the future. I thought we were in a good place. He said that was such a lovely message and he thanked me. He said he loved me too. So much. But after about 9pm, his phone was off. Thought he must be down the local social club with his dad on the Friday or something, so just said goodnight to him on an undelivered text (til the morning) and worried myself to sleep. So anyway, back to the niggle. I needed to see that phone again. Call me a psycho girlfriend, but he has access to my phone at all times, but had become shady about me touching his. We had our lovely meal. I saw his phone on charge. I opened it as if to play a game. He asked what the fascination was with his handset. I said to let me read it. He tried to take it off me. So I grabbed my car keys and ran to my car and locked myself inside with it. I read the messages from the girl. Thanking him for last night. He had actually met her. Even invited her to his house. His brother knew. And his brother didn't try to say anything about the fact he had me. She thought he was single. They had kissed. They had cuddled. They had slept in the same bed. With every intent and purpose, he went out with another girl and even asked if she wanted to see him again. Had it been offered to him, he would have slept with her. How long did he think he could keep this up? I'm the girlf his family knew. This was crazy. Head spinning. We had come back and he said it was all a fresh slate. So why do this to me on the day after we got back? The day after?!?! Over the course of the weekend, I have since found out that there was another girl, who he is adamant he only went out with a couple of times and only kissed, before I found the texts when we had our chat a month back. I'm not convinced he hasn't slept with her but he swears down that he hasn't. There have been various nights he hasn't responded to me. I need to know the truth and will try and find out directly from her. But this is crazy. Over the course of this weekend, I have been betrayed so royally. My heart has been taken from me, and stamped on. My plans for the future have completely been obliterated. I could quite honestly close my eyes and never want to wake up because I know that everything I have given someone who was so adamant that cheating was wrong, was not enough. To kiss another girl and know he has kissed me soon after makes me feel dirty. I'm contaminated. My relationship is contaminated. I don't know if it is that he is just a soulless bastard or if he is battling depression so much that he just isn't himself. This isn't my Michael. What could push someone to betray someone they say they love. Times he has been so sad that I have jumped in my car and turned up at his to comfort him - sometimes in my pyjamas and at silly o'clock in the morning. He has said he has to face it all now. He is going to tell his family everything. He has let everyone down with a lot of things and needs to face up to it. I think I have taken it quite well and not been the vindictive bitch I have the potential of. I cry myself to sleep. I am crying as I write this. I have lost everything. And lost a piece of myself that I will never get back. My family and friends welcomed him in. I was well aware of depression and wanted to do what a good partner does and that is be there. He promises that he loves me. That he can make it right. He admitted I will always have it in my mind, maybe I can't move on. Maybe we should break up for good. But I can't not be with him. I love him so much. What he has done cannot be undone. Can I move on? Ever? I can't bear to not be with him but he is toxic. I didn't know whether to admit this online as I am actually embarrassed. I'm a mug. Total mug. But hiding it might be more stupid. Maybe I need to open it up. And grieve this loss of trust publicly. Would he have done this if he wasn't depressed? What did they have that I didn't? What did I do? Why doesn't he want me? Did he think of me? He said that the hardest thing is that he was thinking of me all the time. He can't stop thinking about me. But he did it. I feel so wronged. I miss him so much. I miss the old us so much. The fact he did it after we got back killed me. The fact I found out he had done it twice killed me. The fact he did it more than once with one girl killed me even more. I'm going to find out if he slept with this other girl. If he did, then that's it. It is definitely over.
The old Tina is telling me to dump him. Move on. There are plenty of guys out there, even though no one else has loved me in years, and not be taken for a mug. But I have invested so much time in him. I don't want it to have been to waste. I don't know what to do. I just wish this wasn't so soul destroying. The old Tina has gone. I can never come back. I don't even feel like my life is worth living if I don't have him. I just wish so damn hard that he hadn't touched these other girls. The thought of him being with them in any sort of way makes me sick to my stomach.
He is meeting me this morning with intent of giving me a letter and talking things out.
Would anyone ever consider taking back someone who did this under these circumstances? I don't think he is a generic bastard. I just think he is depressed a bit but I don't get how even someone depressed could do this. He isn't a bad person. I know that. Deep down.
Would depression do such a thing? Make you so unlike the old you? I wish I could meet someone who has had a similar situation. I'm so lonely.
Hi Tina, I know that a reasonable amount of time has passed since you wrote this, but I was wondering how you got on?
It sounds like a similar situation to what I'm in, I just found out my depressed/anxiety afflicted/ADHD boyfriend who 'loved me so much' has been messaging other girls and even slept with one of them. I did notice toward the latter part of the relationship he was not as attentive toward me, and not talking about his future with me so much. That said, we loved our time together, had great banter and was by all other measures in a truly loving relationship, albeit tumultuous at times. The reason I found out about the cheating is because one of the girls messaged me to tell me she had slept with him, which I did not believe on face value, but it lead me to checking his phone and finding out for sure that he had been cheating on me with her, as well as engaging in some long distance affair with his overseas ex. When I found out I just got all my stuff from his house and left, I will never talk to him again. That was 2 days ago, and I can honestly say he will stay blocked out of my life forever, or at least for a very very long time.
I believed in him and tried to help him with all his mental health issues but he just threw them back in my face by lying and cheating. I do think it has a little bit to do with the depression/anxiety, because I know he continually sought attention and love to reaffirm his self worth. His own mother died when he was very young and the rest of his family were disengaged from his life so he did not have that support structure to fall back on, which I think is why he needed a continuous stream of intimacy in his life. One of the things I found out a few days ago is that he slept with one of the girls during a short period of time that we had been broken up, because he was "so lonely, he thought we were done" (even though the whole time we were talking about making it work). Who sleeps with someone after 2 days of being broken up, supposedly heartbroken, because you feel lonely? I remember just feeling lost and wanting to be alone - going off to have sex with someone else was the last thing on my mind. And I do know that he 'loved' me, but then again, talk is cheap - when you love somebody you also don't do things that you know will hurt them.
So, I hope for your sake you had the strength to leave that toxic relationship. You have so much love to give, and it hurts me to think how much pain you have had to endure over someone who does not appreciate that. Right now I'm just going to focus on self growth, healing and moving on (cold turkey, no contact). I don't want to focus on the hate, the doubt, on my own insecurities, as I know I'm better than all that.
Oh my God I understand too. I don't know what to do either. My boyfriend (anxiety/OCD/bipolar?/depression/personality disorder?) is unstable and told me last night that he doesn't know if he can stop himself from cheating. I'm very confused. I'm trying to do what I think is right and be by his side and support him and help him through but when do I leave? Do I leave? Can I leave? I don't want to. But how can I go about this? I'm stuck.
Hi, thanks for sharing this.
My partner has been battling a severe depression for about a year and I recently found out that during one of his drinking sessions, he cheated on me. I don't think depression is an excuse, nobody does, that's not the point. He made a bad decision while surrounded by a number of contributing factors- depression, drink, girl who'd been trying it on before.
Only you and your partner can know how it happened and the remorse that comes after. Nobody can tell you about your own partner. I'm taking time out to take stock and heal myself before we try again, but I hate hearing the bashing he gets from my friends about what he's done. I know if I take him back (and I want to) they wont be supportive, but he's been my best friend for 6 years and I know how low he's been.